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4 years ago  ::  Mar 23, 2010 - 4:10AM #1
carol
Posts: 3

I found out my spouse cheat on me last year and he admitted and trying to make good. He is very loving now. The hardest thing for me now is to forget the past.. I have been crying and broke down everytime I think of what he did to me. I have made so many sacrifices to the family, children and him. but he has the heart to cheat on me.  I am very sick sick of myself. How can I not let go of the past. There is always something deep down my heart that I wanted to revenge .... I just do not what to do... I really need help.... Plse plse

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4 years ago  ::  Mar 23, 2010 - 12:00PM #2
SatanicStalker
Posts: 719

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. 


You have two real choices. Unfortunately at this point, neither choice is easy and neither choice is perfect. On one hand, if you choose to forgive, you may be opening yourself up for not only further emotional hurt, but also physical danger in the future. You may set the example for your children that respecting women is not necessary. You may be selling yourself short. You may be doing what you think you're "supposed" to do instead of what you actually want to do.


On the other hand, if you choose not to forgive and decide to end your marriage instead, you may be throwing away what could be a rewarding marriage that could have lasted for years or decades in the future. You may be teaching your children to give up when things get difficult. You may put yourself in a very economically vulnerable position. 


I can't and won't tell you which one to choose, and though others on this board may try, I urge you to make up your mind for yourself. What I will say is this: Whatever you choose, do it because it is what you want to do, not because it is what you think you are supposed to do. There are those that would tell you that divorce is evil and amounts to disloyalty, and others who would tell you forgiving a cheater just leads to more cheating. Neither is true in all cases, and no one here but you knows your specific situation. 


From the title of this thread, I suspect that you have been trying to forgive. If, after thinking about it long and hard, you decide this is still the way you want to go, just keep a few things in mind about forgiveness.


Forgiveness is a path, not a bridge. It's a process. If you find that after a month, or a year, or ten years, you still haven't fully forgiven, it doesn't mean that you have failed. Forgiveness is like healing; it has its own time-table and trying to rush it will just make you frustrated without actually helping the process along at all. 


Feeling hurt, angry, and betrayed are normal, healthy feelings in this situation. There is nothing wrong with your for wanting revenge. I wouldn't even judge you for taking it... but taking revenge and healing your marriage are probably mutually exclusive, so only go for revenge if you decide not to try to repair your marriage. 


Trust is earned. He has to earn it back from you. If you don't give him anything to work with he can't do it, but still make him earn it. Like forgiveness, trust is also a process, and nothing is going to happen overnight here. 


 


If you decide to end your marriage, do your research. I'm not qualified to advise you here since I've never been divorced (or married for that matter), but talk to people and don't rush. Do it smart. Protect yourself. 


 


I would like to say more and I may do so later, but I must go now. Good luck.


~Stalker

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4 years ago  ::  Mar 23, 2010 - 1:34PM #3
Erey
Posts: 18,450

I think what Satanic Stalker is saying about forgiveness being a path is true.


I do think any of us are capable of almost any behavior including cheating.  I do tend to side with forgiveness - assuming the guilty party is truly remorsefull and seeks to make the changes necessary to see that it never happens again. 


 


You probably need a good therapist to help you through this regardless of how it ends.  It sounds to me like you have been through so much that I would like to see you give your very best effort before making a decision. 


It is possible to get past this as many, many people have done before you but you will probably need some help. 

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4 years ago  ::  Mar 23, 2010 - 5:40PM #4
Wendyness
Posts: 3,013

It is important to have some understanding in what lead your husband to cheat.  What gives a married man the right to go against everything he knows to be right?  Every married man knows that it is wrong to cheat.  How did he justify to himself that it was okay?  And he cannot blame you!  


Once you have a better understanding of how this happened you will not be so overwhelmed by fear, whether you stay married or divorce. 

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4 years ago  ::  Mar 23, 2010 - 6:59PM #5
appy20
Posts: 10,165

I am opposed to forgiveness because I believe it puts you at risk for continuing to have the cheater's offspring.  You stay with him, you could have his child.  You just bring more cheaters into the world.  The world already has a bunch of cheating men.   We don't need more and we don't need more cheaters showing up in the female gene pool either.   God, knows many of us single folks really could use a better dating pool. 


Yes, anyone can cheat but not everyone does.  It is easier for some to not cheat than others.   On behalf of those of us who really wish there were more men, please don't stay with the guy and please don't have his kids.    There are better men out there and if you can't find them, then you are better off without any guy.

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4 years ago  ::  Mar 23, 2010 - 8:09PM #6
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

Carol-


As Stalker indicated, healing from betrayal is a process that takes time; in many ways, it's like a death.  You will grieve, you will rage, you will have revenge fantasies.  This is normal.  But remember as you do that being mad at someone is like taking poison and hoping THEY die...it hurts YOU more than anyone else.


What i usually recommend to people in your situation is that you absolutely insist on transparency by him, but for a set period of time---say, a year.  By this i mean that he is to keep his cellphone on him at all times, and answer promptly EVERY time you call; he is to let you know where he's going and what he intends to do there as well as how long he thinks it'll take; he is to call you immediately if there's any delay or change in plans(traffic jams DO happen); he's to give you all the access codes to all his email accounts, online personas, and so on.


It almost sounds like he's an abuser, in a sense; now that he's been caught, all he wants to do is be kind and loving.  Forgive him TOO soon, and he'll think that he can sweettalk his way back into your life at any time, so he can go out and find someone else again; don't forgive him soon enough, and he'll grow to resent the constant inquisition, suspicion, and hard words toward him.


This is why it is a VERY good idea to tell your husband that he needs to interview at least 3 marriage counselors, while you do the same thing.  Talk about the kinds of questions you both would want to have the counselors answer, and make a written list of these questions,  so that you both have a script handy when you each go there---afterwards, compare notes, pick one, and go for at LEAST seven visits.  Make it clear to him that if he does NOT care enough about you to go to marriage counseling, you WILL leave him, divorce him, and seek way more than half his stuff as well as child support and alimony.  Many people, ime, will INITIALLY promise ANYthing, but then when it comes down to facing the unpleasant truths about themselves and doing the WORK needed to recover from these flaws, get lazy or scared or whatever; be certain that you both are SERIOUS about continuing the counseling for the entirety of however long you both promise to at first.  Shoot, it may even be a good idea to have him sign a contract, or have his words recorded, at any rate, so that if he DOES decide to try to weasel out, you can say, 'Ok, here's what you agreed to; if you DON'T follow through, you KNOW that i'm headed straight to divorce court to file!'  Then DO it.  Many men will test you to see if you MEAN what you say, or are just full of hot air.


Some men simply do not have a clue how serious a woman can be until they're faced with severe consequences for failure to go along with the program, which is intended to rebuild trust...so do your best, both of you, to keep that goal of rebuilding trust foremost in your minds and hearts.  If you do not trust, the foundation of your marriage is destroyed, so all that has been built on that foundation will come crumbling down.


You may also wish to investigate the "Retrouvaille" program, which can be found at www.retrouvaille.org, and/or google to learn about the experiences others have had with this program.  If i recall correctly, it lasts only a weekend, and you will receive many tools to help not only with forgiveness, but re-establishing the love you once felt for each other---while being completely honest.


At any rate, i feel for ya; it hurts most when those closest to you are the ones that betray you.  You'll be in my prayers.


Warmest regards-


Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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4 years ago  ::  Mar 23, 2010 - 8:15PM #7
carol
Posts: 3

Hi everyone, thanks for all the concern. It really helps when people talk to you. It was like a bombshell in me,,..... I cried almost everyday since last July.....He told me the reason and it is a fair one. Unfortunately in my mind the episode keep on playing back again and again.. Although I seek to read many many articles about happiness quotes, etc,,.. I still feel from time to time, it pinched me and I would just go madddd...


Unfortunately, he cant avoid, the woman is working in the same office but different site. He told me that he stopped talking to her at work and liase with someone instead ... He has given me the assurances over and over again but I am still not convince and I cant ask him to leave the job. He admitted that he made a big mistake and have not thought thro of the  the consequences.  He feel guilty everytime when he sees that I am sad, cried etc that it really hurts both. He stopped working late night and did not go anyway after work but straight home .


I am asking myself, he did what he supposed to do to avoid the woman and that his promises.... so what is the problem with me !! Thinking of the revenge... I would really wanted to pick up a phone and yelled at that woman !!! Lastly, I can only acknowledge the fact that my spouse is the one created the problem... and this woman .... only wanted to enjoy a free sex..... young girl not married !!!! Why why people did this haven't they think they shoud avoid married men!!!


 


 

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4 years ago  ::  Mar 24, 2010 - 12:08AM #8
carol
Posts: 3

Hi Hatman, Thanks. He is doing what exactly you mentioned in your email. It is all now transparent... I feel sorry for him. Its like treating him like a fool a dummy.... I just feel like abusing his honesty... Here in our country we dont have free marriage consultating or consuler. So I would have to take the risk. But I told him if I ever found him cheating on me, he wont see me again.... it is like taking a death toll.... threat !! I may do what you suggested that to tell him that I would divorce him if I found him cheat again... I am praying hard to god... Any god any time... I am so thankful for your help.... Thanks your caring and concern.

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4 years ago  ::  Mar 24, 2010 - 1:36AM #9
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Carol-
You're welcome, and afaik, there are very few marriage counseling services in America that are free, either.

Make HIM pay for them, maybe out of a fund he's set aside for his vacation or a boat or rifle or whatever.

And if i recall correctly, the Retrovaille program is offered through the Catholic Church; you may wish to check it out, as i remember hearing that if finances are a problem, you can take the weekend-long course for free.  i've also heard that if you don't like the results, you can have your old marriage back!  (a little joke, hope you don't mind.)

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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4 years ago  ::  Mar 24, 2010 - 10:51PM #10
Erey
Posts: 18,450

I think in this situation the hard fact is that there will never be comfort, never be resolution as long as the husband as working at the same company as the affair. 


Somebody has to leave - I don't see anyway around it. 


My husband has never had an affair - that I know of and he is not the type.  If he had an affair I do think I would be capable of forgiving him (not saying I would, just I would be capable).  But I don't imagine for a second I could ever be easy with him working at the same company as the other woman.  Either she leaves the company or husband leaves the company or I leave the marriage. 


 


I don't think asking the husband to find another job is too much to ask.  Just saying realisticaly do you ever expect to find peace with them working together, do you really think that is possible?

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