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4 years ago  ::  May 31, 2010 - 9:00AM #11
Nadosyfamily
Posts: 3

Forgiveness is a path, not a bridge. It's a process. If you find that after a month, or a year, or ten years, you still haven't fully forgiven, it doesn't mean that you have failed. Forgiveness is like healing; it has its own time-table and trying to rush it will just make you frustrated without actually helping the process along at all. 


This information is right on the mark, as Gods cchildren we do not understand forgiveness andforgive others like we should.   There is always going to be pain involved with any choice you make.  My personal belief is I have no room for a cheating partner, I know Denise feels the same and reminds me occasionally. That pain is still lingering from her first marriage an I get the wrath of the feelings simmering on her back burner. The woundd is re-opened and the pain comes on strong.  This is a process,that will take time for her to understand and trust me, that I will not cheat on her like the first spouse did.


We wish you success in your choice(s) and May GOD grant you favor in healing the damage you feel.


 




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4 years ago  ::  May 31, 2010 - 10:25AM #12
Tolerant Sis
Posts: 4,201

Forgiving is something one does for oneself, not something one does for the other party.  


My husband puts it succinctly:  "Why would you allow anger for another to live rent free in your head indefinitely?"


But forgiving someone doesn't mean being willing to be a doormat for that person's bad behavior.  While I believe that, with few exceptions, most marriages can be saved if both parties wish to save them, the truth is that one party is always capable of undermining the marriage.  A serial cheater, a drug abuser, an alcoholic, a spousal or child abuser, can sink the ship of the marriage singlehandedly without help from the other partner.  (Spousal and child abuse situations are the rare cases in which I refuse to counsel women and men to remain with the abusive partner.  I would feel the same way about elder abuse.) 


In the case of drug and alcohol abuse, the addict him or herself has to make the change, and if they don't, the other partner must end the marriage for the good of all concerned, especially the addict.  However, I have known marriages to become much stronger after a struggle with one of these issues.


Cheating is more complex, and has more than one component.  I do not and never will 'blame' the innocent spouse for the actions of a cheating spouse, but it is true that typically (not in the case of serial cheating, but typically) there is some kind of mitigating factor at play that both partners have to look at in the cold light of day if they want to keep the marriage together.  Has there been a long separation for work or because of a family illness? Has pregnancy and childbearing and infant parenthood changed the dynamic between the partners? Is one of the partners suffering from depression? Is there a lot of financial stress (or other stress) in the household? Is the couple growing apart organically due to changing interests? 


So while you may 'forgive', that is not the same as living with the behavior.  Learning to trust again after a partner has cheated is a long, long process, and is fraught with setbacks.  No one can simply put the infidelity to one side and pretend it didn't happen, and this often feels to the partner who cheated like gestapo tactics ... the spouse checks her mate's email and cell phone records, looks in his pockets for receipts that don't belong there, calls him at work several times a day to check up on him, and so on.  This is all part of the trust reestablishment, and I tell spouses who cheated that this is part of the reengagement process.  It doesn't last forever, but it is uncomfortable for both partners while it does last.  The innocent spouse needs to feel secure; the cheating spouse needs to have his feet to the fire and feel uncomfortable enough that he won't want to experience that again (not that he would have the chance to experience it twice; she might forgive once, but not a second time).  


 

First amendment fan since 1793.
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4 years ago  ::  Jun 01, 2010 - 10:19AM #13
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

May 31, 2010 -- 9:00AM, Nadosyfamily wrote:

My personal belief is I  have no room for a cheating partner, I know Denise feels the same and  reminds me occasionally. That pain is still lingering from her first  marriage an I get the wrath of the feelings simmering on her back  burner. The woundd is re-opened and the pain comes on strong.  This is a  process,that will take time for her to understand and trust me, that I  will not cheat on her like the first spouse did.


This is a  different situation, since you are not the one who is seeking to  forgive, or even seeking forgiveness, but rather your wife who is still  in pain and not forgiving her ex over the cheating. You can't forgive  for her, but you can help her come to a place of more peace. One things  is what you are already doing, which is to not take what is said  personally since it's not about you but about her past. Part of her is  afraid of getting hurt again in the same way, which is not so  unreasonable - after being bitten by a snake, after all, for awhile  every harmless rope can look like a fearful snake. This is also likely  something deeper still going back to childhood. It must be difficult to hear what comes up knowing that you are completely trustworthy and are bearing the brunt of what another has done to her.


What has been written about forgiveness is all true, and can  sound a bit high-falutin' and impractical when one is faced with  real-life situations. Forgiveness is like a muscle and requires exercise  to stay in shape. One useful exercise is every day, take one thing your spouse does that irritates, no matter how small, and forgive her for it - without telling her. Just one thing each day - it could be as small as her leaving the toothpaste uncapped. (If you feel she never does anything that needs forgiveness, plase send her name to the Vatican for nomination to sainthood...)


I wish you all the best!

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4 years ago  ::  Jul 16, 2010 - 10:52AM #14
David
Posts: 287

I have never married for various reasons...and cheating is one of them....women cheat as much as men do...the statistics bear this out...everything is disposable now.


but...having said that, let me say this..and I have heard this from past girlfriends who were divorced because of cheating husbands...one of the best things to do to keep your spouse from cheating is to make your home a true castle..make your husband or wife want to come home...work at your marriage and don't take anything for granted..  

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4 years ago  ::  Jul 19, 2010 - 11:12AM #15
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Jul 16, 2010 -- 10:52AM, David wrote:

I have never married for various reasons...and cheating is one of them....women cheat as much as men do...the statistics bear this out...everything is disposable now.


Cheating is certainly a reasonable concern when entering into a committed relationship. Perhaps you are under the impression that because it does happen to others, it would inevitably happen in your relationship. You have maybe had relationships in the past that you felt were possiblities for marriage and chose to not do so - from this concern and from others you had.


 


 

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