Both "successful" and "happy" are of course completely subjective. As has been pointed out, feelings belong exclusively to the one having them. So if I feel happy, sad, lonely, etc. then that's how I feel. If someone says that I shouldn't feel that way, it is more a statement about them then about me. On the other hand, I may be out of touch with my feelings or in denial - so if I say I'm happy but my tone of voice, facial expression, and body language say otherwise, then I may be trying to put on a "happy face." This doesn't change the fact that each is the only 'expert' on their own feelings. (There are approaches to interpersonal communication that can facilitate someone getting in touch with feelings they may be unaware o, but that is a different matter altogether).

"Successful" and "happy" are not necessarily synonymous in marriage. The difficulty is that any long-term relationship (such as marriage) is in fact a process, not an end-state. In that sense, "happily ever after" is indeed a myth.

Studies indicate that most marriages cycle through a number of stages - the exact number depends on who is counting, but there are four stages that match what I have experienced and observed.

First is the "romance" stage in which everything is easy and the couple seems fused. This is the "in-love" part. Hollywood and the media give the impression that this is where it ends, but studies indicate it lasts 18 months at the most.

The second can be called "disillusionment" and despite its negative-sounding connotation is actually a positive step for a couple. This is where the masks that each person wears in the romance stage starts to slip off, and also the fantasy of the ideal partner that have been projected onto the other begins to fade away. It is a positive step because it is becoming more "real" - seeing the other more for who they are than the rose-colored vision previously. Although more real, it brings up difficult feelings because one (or both) partners starts to recognize that the other is "not the person I married." They are actually, it's just that love is blind and it wasn't seen. For a couple in this stage one often hears one (or both) say "I love you but I'm not in-love with you." (or words to that effect)

Left unchecked, the couple often descends into the "misery" stage in which nearly all vestiges of the positive attributes are not recognized and only the negative aspects of one's spouse are perceived. This is the point where the couple typically divorces, one (or both) has an affair, or they settle into a cold war. In a way it is the negative image of the romance stage, since now no positive qualities are seen, only negative ones.

Although many marriages end here, in most cases they don't have to. The fourth stage can be called "reawakening to joy." In it, there is a deepening of intimacy and a more complete and realistic perception of both oneself as well as one's spouse. Instead of blaming the other, each takes responsibility for the role they played in the period of unhappiness. Intimacy in this case is sharing who one is with another and allowing them to be who they are as well. Since each person is a mixture of light and darkness, intimacy means knowing and sharing both sides of oneself, as well as accepting both in one's partner.

It would be comforting to believe that this is the end state - and it is not. Typically after another "honeymoon" period, the cycle starts again, except with different issues.

It is completely possible to take a couple deep in misery and in a few days of intense work, bring them to the point where they can see the possibilities of joy. I know this for a fact, since I have witnessed it both in my own marriage as well as in others. The key is in learning to share difficult or painful feelings with one's spouse without criticizing or blaming. When that happens, intimacy deepens to an even greater extent than when sharing positive feeling (although that is beneficial as well).

One of the many gifts this brings is the recognition of how much we project our own feelings and roundedness onto others, especially our partner. Indeed, most of the "problems" in marriage are not couple issues but individual issues brought into the relationship by each person. The process of healing the relationship through deepened intimacy is also very healing to each person individually.

So for me, "successful" means choosing to commit to this process however it unfolds in my marriage. It means being committed to sharing more and more of myself with my wife, and learning more and more about her. "Happy" is something I feel some of the time - and more of the time recently. And sometimes I feel unhappy or discouraged as well. I have learned that my wife is not responsible for my feelings, I am. "Success" means continuing on this journey and is not a "place" we will wind up.

Sure, but don't you think it's at least a wee bit cynical to assume that there are few to no successful relationships.  I mean, it sounds like you have exposure to a pretty specific group of people who probably don't represent relationships in general

My wife and I have a very loving relationship. We enjoy being together whether we travel or just hang out. It's been a wonderful twelve years and God willing we'll have many more. One thing about our marriage is that we believe strongly that our marriage is a sacrament. Our faith is mutual and we pray together as well as share our faith with one another.  It has strengthened our marriage.

I am not claiming that my experience is everyone else's experience but I will argue that my experience is just as valid and does not need to be defended.  I also think you are overgeneralizing when you say that just because someone has not experienced a marriage it means that they have no clue as to what they want in a relationship and don't have the right to define what a successful relationship is.  Single people do tend to go through a period of paying their dues in an attempt to discover what they can and cannot live with.  Many of us do figure out what price is too high.  Relationships that pay that price are not entitled to be accepted by other people who may want something different.  All that "growth" does not always translate into a worthwhile life.  Life is too short to be miserable.  Few manage to succeed.

 Your point of view is that people who fail are at fault. That relationships should be saved at all costs.  I disagree.  My view is that the "institution" itself leaves a lot to be desired.  If a bridge collapsed 65% of the time it was crossed, the cars would not be considered defective.  I don't think people are failures or aren't trying hard enough when marriages fail. I think marriage just isn't all it is cracked up to be.  

I am not asking for married people to defend their relationship.  They have very right to consider it successful but I have the right to say it isn't my cup of tea.  I have a right to look at what you have and not consider it successful.  You don't have to be hit by a car to know that you don't want to be hit by a car.  You can see the results.  You can see the result of the "growth" and decide whether the process is worthwhile.  For me, it isn't.

Your subjective experience is no more or less accurate than mine. You have no more right to one than I do.   

May 28, 2010 -- 4:04PM, Tolerant Sis wrote:

I think it is harder to understand what makes a relationship successful from the outside of it.  That may not be apparent even to people who have been married for long periods and have good marriages of their own.  To disagree with Tolstoy, each happy marriage and family is NOT alike, but it is difficult for someone outside of the charmed circle to recognize what makes it successful.

For instance, one of the things that makes our relationship successful is the uncanny degree to which my husband and I are often thinking the same thing at the exact same moment.  We will suddenly burst out laughing about something, both recalling the same memory, or the same story, or the same television episode, or the same song lyrics.  

Few people not privy to the marriage or the family life would recognize that.  

Having said that, I *do* think it is difficult for someone who hasn't experienced a marriage or a long-term intimate relationship, to understand the give and take of such a relationship, just as women who have never been mothers have difficulty understanding why ANYONE would put up with what mothers put up with.  

Actually, I think the problem is that married people put so much into their marriages that they don't want their relationship critiqued.  They all want to be "successful" because they lasted but that just isn't the truth. Some married people didn't see things coming and that is why they got themselves in the mess they did.  Some of us did see things coming and avoided it.  I don't think a relationship where a person is physically abused is a successful relationship. I don't have to be married to see and understand that.  Same for alcoholism, adultery, drug abuse, etc.  We don't have to experience it to understand that it isn't healthy.