Good points Sis!

I think that focusing on "happiness" as a primary goal tends to lead couples astray - "happy" is a feelings after all, and feelings come and go. It seems to be more effective to work on building intimacy - namely the sharing of one's own innermost self with one's spouse and allowing them to share theirs and be accepted for who they are.

The degree of "happiness" is more of a secondary characteristic of a relationship rather than a primary one, which is why it tends to be a red herring.

Learning to communicate effective with each other is a key skill that is very difficult to master, but is essential to the building of intimacy. Effective communication is so much more than finding the right words to say - in fact the essence is learning to listen deeply to another person, which can be quite challenging especially when difficult feelings are expressed. In this context, "successful" means that each spouse truly "gets" the other's thoughts and feelings, even (especially) when the feelings are painful.

David,

LOL! However, despite marriage rates declining, people are still as batty as ever!

It's true that marriages take effort to maintain. That is true of any relationship, whether friend or intimate. Perhaps you are under the impression that it is only marriage that takes away peace and quiet or is filled with demands for doing things you don't want.

When I talk with couples that I work with (this may work because we're in Maine, you'll have to come up with your own analogy) I call the marriage the 'ship of the family'.  It's on a sea which may be calm, with a good fair breeze to keep things moving forward.  Or the sea may be stormy and threaten to drive the ship onto the shoals.  Or the sea may be dead calm with no wind and the ship doesn't go anywhere for a long time.  The ship is the same; it doesn't change because of the conditions.  But the skippers have to work together to deal with whatever the sea and wind conditions are for the good of the rest of the crew.  If one of the skippers isn't pulling her weight in the storm, the ship can founder.  If one of the skippers abandons ship in the doldrums, the remaining skipper and her crew have a lot of work to do together, and they are less likely to be successful in the long run - that is, get the ship and its crew where they are going in life.

So, yes, David, it's work, but as sailors know, a rotten, rainy day sailing beats the most beautiful day in the office :)

Anybody can sail with fair winds and following seas.  The proof of how successful the 'ship of the family' is comes in the storm and the doldrums.  

Single people do work at relationships.   Elder care often gets thrust upon singles.  I took care of my mother who had a multitude of personality disorders for 14 years.  I worked in a very toxic environment for 21 years.   I was miserable at work and miserable at home until I learned that I had to create a place of happiness and I did.   In the beginning, it was just in my mind.  That was a start.  Eventually, I found friends and places outside of work and home that were healthy and happy. I learned that I could be joyous and happy even if my life wasn't particularly kind or fair.  No matter what other people did to me, I could still experience an incredible joy in life.   Once I mastered that, happiness became much easier.  Even on the worst days, I love being alive.  

People in marriages can learn that too.  Love is a decision.  If you are unhappy, it isn't always your partner's fault.  But.  If you are beating up on them, drinking to excess, using drugs, cheating or not handling money well, then asking your partner to be happy about it is just selfish.  

Appy, what you have written about your experience makes complete sense. If it is also recognized that there is no one-size-fits-all, then we're pretty much in agreement. One thing I have learned is that it is much easier to stand outside something and criticize than to speake from experience. Criticism in general is a roadblock to communication, which is why ad hominems are never conducive to a constructive dialogue.

Perhaps you feel that your choice to remain single is somehow being denigrated.