Well, I think men are a little needier than women, often.  Women typically take the lead in relationships and family life - not sure why that is, but it seems to be the case 9 times out of 10.  As you learned, love isn't enough, but your job is to gently tell him what you need, because he looks at you and sees a pretty self-reliant, self-sufficient person and thinks you can take on the whole of his life, too.

Often, we as women do this for our spouses and our children.  Fortunately, this is usually not difficult.  We are the captains of the family ship in a lot of ways.

But if he starts ragging about the boss or whatever, and you don't want to hear it for the nineteenth time (after probably telling him what you would do for the other 18) you can do what women are usually good at - changing the subject.

'Oh, dear, let's not talk about work tonight.  I want your help in the kitchen - I'm making a surprise dinner and you can help make the salad.'  Then chatter cheerfully about dinner and food and your favorite wine and where you'd really like to go wine tasting (Napa Valley is good and they have hot air balloons, too) for the next hour or so until the boss fades to the background.

Repeat as necessary.

Eventually, if you stop listening, he'll stop venting.  To you, anyway.  This may have unintended consequences, of course.

As for listening to what you want, start small.  You like to get flowers on your birthday? Send him an email at work with a link to FTD or whatever and your office address.  'Just a reminder!  My birthday's next Tuesday!' Men can be trained, but too often they're caught up in their own crap.

Sep 7, 2010 -- 7:05PM, tattwo wrote:

Sep 6, 2010 -- 11:05AM, Tolerant Sis wrote:

They may be in the minority of relationship you know, but they're the vast majority of relationships I know, Tattwo.  Perhaps what you need to do is get outside of your current set and meet other people.

If you are looking for happiness, first, stop looking for pathology.  Take people at their word and face value until they demonstrate otherwise.  Know that people who come to relationships in midlife have 'stuff' from prior relationships and just crud from life, and be willing to accommodate their 'stuff' as they are willing to accommodate yours.  

And start out as friends, and if things look like they're going to move from there, be willing to let them.

And good luck.

 

I go outside my circle too and I hear the same issues. Believe me, I just don't use my circle as an example. Everything you've mentioned, I have done and I already know. Maybe it's internal???

My circle are single women. Most are never married.  I have one married friend with a comfortable marriage of convenience.  She and her spouse don't like each other but they are too set in their ways to divorce.  None of us have any drama in our lives. I avoid people like that which means I avoid a lot of people.   All of the crap I see are OUTSIDE my circle.  All of the single men available were dumped by their wives because they cheated or are alcoholics.  That is across the board.  You can look educated, uneducated, blue collar, white collar, Christian, nonChristian.  I work with the general public.  I work outside of my home.   I don't choose people I work with.  I don't create these people.  They aren't my friends. I know them because I work with the general public and am very active in the community.  The number of marriages without horror,I can count on one hand.  The ones of horror, it would take a hundred hands.   I am dying to know where this utopia is that doesn't have drug and alcohol abuse, domestic violence, infidelity issues.    

Arnie,

It is the 50% of marriages that stay together that horrify me.  Just because people don't divorce it does not mean that they are happy.  I'm sorry.  Not where I live.  All of the abuse I see are in long-term marriages.  I do see some good marriages but they are few, far between and usually between older couples. I am not just looking at the bad. I look at EVERYONE.  Alcoholism is a big problem here. Drug abuse is growing.  Some of the older marriages I have seen didn't have the violence or the substance abuse.  The marriages in my age group are pretty grim. I work with the general public. I don't pick these people.  I don't pick people I work with. Not one person I work with is married.  One left her husband after he nearly killed her.  She has permanent brain injury from the ordeal. I didn't choose her.  I think about 5% of marriages are happy.  I think 75% are scary.  The others are just depressing.

Yes there are successful long term relationships!! I am in my second marriage, we have been married for over 23 years now. We have had many dark times when we thought we should just give up... but we have made it thru. I am amazed how often these days that we talk thu and find a way we can both be happy. We are very different but have learned how to find the courage to really say what we want/need and the courage to hear what the other is saying.  Yes sometimes we fall into getting anxious and defensive.... but is only lasts a few hours and then we can really talk and listen and find our way.  Sometimes we argue... sometimes we cry...  but we always come back to each other knowing that we can find a solution that respects and nourishes each of us.  Bright Blessings, B.