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Switch to Forum Live View Found out that my boyfriend is/has been cheating on me (Bitter-sweet)
5 years ago  ::  Feb 07, 2010 - 3:38AM #1
tattwo
Posts: 286

I knew I should have left him alone a long time ago. He has too many issues - a laundry list of stuff. Yet, I was determined to the point of, almost obsession, to find out if he was treating. (Seek and ye shall find). Well he's still missing around with his kids mom. I don't want to go into details how I found out, but I did. Honestly, I seriously think that they have been seeing each other the whole time we dated - 8 months.


The relationship started out wrong and was built on and around lies and deceit. I stayed because initially, my feelings weren't that strong and I thought we could be friends. The problem started when he got into my head and heart. He was looking for a quick attachment, but I didn't let him rush me or the relationship. I asked him what's the rush. Well if you've been in a relationship for 16 years and you were the dumpee, you're looking for someone to fill the pain, void, and loneliness quick, fast, and in a hurry. I was that someone- stupid ****. The whole time we argue because of lies and deception. Everyone month the same thing. BUT I stayed. The relationship was coming to something...crossroads, the end...I don't know. I knew and saw things, but what really woke me up was that he wasn't there for me after I had gallbladder surgery back in January. I stayed overnight in the hospital and he came to visit. When I got home, he call and checked up on me. That was about it.


Here's the kicker though, he got jealous and upset because my neighbors (men) help me out my friend's car into the house. He said that he don't won't another man touching his woman. Well I was talking to my bf on the phone when I got discharged around noon the next day. He didn't make any effort to come pick me up. So I told him that he can't get mad. He complains about the distance. I live about 45 mins from him. His kids move live about the same distance. I "guess" the difference is that I'm in another city/state and she's in the same state with him. HA!!! There's no excuse!!! If you really cared you would have came to help me out.


cont...>>>

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5 years ago  ::  Feb 07, 2010 - 4:05AM #2
tattwo
Posts: 286

CONT...


There's no excuse for cheating. If you don't want me, then leave me alone. I guess that's easier said then done. He was with me for his own selfish reasons. I got some things going on with myself and if I wasn't going through some things, I...no I KNOW I wouldn't have given him the time of day. I wouldn't have given him a 2nd look.


The reason why this is bitter-sweet because I'm hurting but now I can close this chapter of my life and move on. It's sad that it took all of this - me wanting and seeking to find out what he's doing. I will NEVER do that again. If I have to go through all of that, doing CSI investigations, then he is not worth it.


I'm not looking for sympathy because I could have walked away at anytime. I have no ties to him. BUT I got caught up on him trying to make me out to be this paranoid, argumentative women. I had to prove him wrong to help with my sanity. I know you're reading this thinking well you're don't sound to sane at this moment. LOL!!! I'll accept that. I will because I got with someone that made me do things that I normally wouldn't do. Again, I don't want to get into all the details about this relationship, but if you knew the 10th of what I didn't have to put up with, then you'll understand. LOL!!!


I'm posting this for those who have or are currently in a similar situation. Let me clarify something real quick. I'm very self aware but like I mentioned earlier I got a lot of stuff going on with me now that deterred me off my path. So I saw all the red flags. Bells and whistles were going off. However, I kept doing my thing.


You see we bring a lot of drama and unnecessary chaos in our lives when we don't run from harmful and detrimental situations. Especially, when you know that you know that it's not right. Yes, they are a lot of people, men and women, old and young playing games. It's common but it doesn't make it right. You don't have to participate in it. Shut them down quickly. Because if you keep entertaining them, then they think it's ok and you accept their rules and regulations of their games. If you decide to join the game playing and you really don't want to play. Then play at your own risk. Surprised

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5 years ago  ::  Feb 07, 2010 - 5:48PM #3
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

Well, my dear Tattwo, this guy was a boy, but not a friend. Thanks for sharing what you've learned from this experience---i suspect "trust your gut" will be high on that list.


But when it comes to people, we ALL play games.


Basically, here's what they are:


"I lose, you lose."


"I win, you lose."


"I lose, you win."


"I win, you win."


These take many forms, of course, and we all play each type at certain times of our lives; after all, some games are simply win-lose by their very nature---competitiveness seems to be almost genetically-programmed.


But some play serious games, like cops, attorneys and judges;


Some play fun games, like various kinds of sports, outdoor and in;


Some play emotional games, like leading you to believe something that's not true, or not correcting you when you have expressed a belief that the other knows is not true, but doesn't tell you.


Some play lying games.


Some play "let's set you up for a fall then laugh at you" games.


For me, i'm looking for someone who tries to find games we both can win(strip poker comes to mind, here...*grin*), but the bottom line is that men and women love to play, and games are part of life.  You just want to find someone who plays fair and fun, and is honest while being sensitive to your feelings, is my guess.


Warmest regards-


Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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5 years ago  ::  Feb 08, 2010 - 2:35PM #4
tattwo
Posts: 286

I don't mind playing the cute and fair games. But the hurtful and deceitful games are for the birds.


Here's the thing about all of this. He said that he went to spend time with his kids and wasn't intending on spending the night. His kids are 17 and 13. Also, he said that he bought some movies and that him and his kids watch movies all night. He said that nothing happened between him and their mom. Their relationship is not like that. At anyrate he lied to me about all of this because he didn't tell me about spending time with his kids. Plus, we've been having some issues so I'll go a week without calling him. This (staying overnight) was all planned because he thought I wasn't going to call him. So I would have never known. But he forgot that my nieces and nephew are friends with his kids and they talked. Thus, my CSI investigations.


I told him that prior to this, I really considered trying to work on the relationship, but the staying over night at his ex's killed any chances. Whether or not anything transpired between them, his actions were very deceitful. I told him if the shoe was on the other foot, he wouldn't like it if I did him that way. Also, I told him that you keep doing things that show me that you are not considerate of my feelings and don't realize the consequences of your actions. AND for that, I can't be with you.


If I take him back, that means that I accept him staying overnight at his ex's house and that it's an acceptable behavior. So no, I can't do that to myself because I deserve better. Bottom line if he cared and loved me the way that he said that he did, then this post wouldn't been started.

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5 years ago  ::  Feb 08, 2010 - 5:46PM #5
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

You are absolutely right, Tattwo.


i certainly hope that the thought "if i ever take him back" is soon erased from your mind and heart, too.


Remember always that ex's are ex's for a REASON, and in this case, the reason is that he lied to you and betrayed your trust, as well as the simple fact that had the situation been reversed---you had gone to visit your children that your ex had custody of, and stayed overnight---your bf would've had a MAJOR problem with it, and rightfully so.


So you have stood up for your principles and acted in such a way that it is now completely clear that his behavior was completely unacceptable to the point of it being a dealbreaker for you, and you have taught him that there are behaviors that are so utterly vile that you can NEVER be with anyone who engages in them.


However, the clever playa will listen to your concerns, act quite contrite and apologize repeatedly, promise any and everything, and in short, do whatever he can to weasel his way back into your heart and your bed.  If you ONCE succumb, he will have taught YOU that your word means squat.


Warmest regards-


Hatman


 

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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5 years ago  ::  Feb 08, 2010 - 8:32PM #6
tattwo
Posts: 286

Hatman,


I told him the same thing too, if the situation was reversed, he would have felt hurt and betrayed too. Not to mentioned, I would have been all kinds of whores (the whore of babylon -lol!) and bitches. I would have been this no good-treacherous woman that took his heart out and quashed it under my feet. Then feed it to my dog.


Double standards + one-sided = selfishness to the 10th power.


He has tried the sweet talked and everything. He told me that he knew that he has put me through too much and he understands my reasons for wanting to break up and he's soooo so very sorry that he has hurt me. Then, he said that I'm a good woman and he don't deserve me. So I said then let me go then. SILENCE...of the lambs. LOL!!! He asked me if that's what I want  and I told  him yeah.  Once again, silence.  Selfish  basterd.  Now you want to care  and  act like he's so  in love  with me.  He  wasn't thinking about me when he was knee deep up in his ex!!!!

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5 years ago  ::  Feb 11, 2010 - 9:55PM #7
Scott
Posts: 88

Feb 7, 2010 -- 5:48PM, Hatman wrote:


But when it comes to people, we ALL play games.


Basically, here's what they are:


"I lose, you lose."


"I win, you lose."


"I lose, you win."


"I win, you win."






There are some of us who play, "You win, I win!"


Sorry to hear of your pain tattwo.  I hope you heal soon and find your soulmate shortly thereafter.


Peace and Love!

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