In 2002 I came home from a long trip cut off from the world (no cell phone) and found out my baby brother died at 43 years old.  I went through a terrible heartache and depression for about a year.  I thought my life and my family was over.  I thought it would be all downhill from there, at 48 years old.

It was my friends that helped me out of the depths of my depression.

Since then I have had too many adventures to mention and more thrills than I could ever imagine.

The downside (and upside) is: life.  There have been so many ups and downs since that awful 2002.

Now, I'm on the downhill side again with another heartbreak.  I remind myself of my life since 2002, and know there will be an upside coming soon.

what do i do to get strong and not feel guilty and move on

Best thing for that is to find someone new and far better.

-- why can't i let him go

In truth, only you can answer this, but i suspect that "the devil you know is better than the devil you don't" may play it's part.  Perhaps part of you fears that the next guy will be worse(but i don't know how that'd be possible).

As to how to "get strong"?  You could maybe start by either going to a gym or making some gym equipment; hanging a bag from a rafter and beating it with your fists could certainly help in a lot of ways, not only making you stronger and more "light", but also letting you vent your frustration and anger at this layabout do-nothing wastrel you've spent TWELVE YEARS being the victim to his vampirish ways.  (bloodsucking, using you, sitting around like a lump, etc.)

Here's two things i'd like you to remember:  Write 'em down.  Put them where you'll see them every day for at least a month---on the back of your front door, on your refrigerator, on your mirror, wherever, and the first is this:

"Nobody can take advantage of you unless you LET them."
"You teach people how to treat you by what you will---or WILL NOT---accept."

If you can stay strong for at least 6 weeks to 2 months, i can almost guarantee that this bf will contact YOU and want YOU back.  It would be best if, at that time, you could say something like: "Hold on a minute; i'll let you talk to my boyfriend(or fiancé)," then hand the phone to him.

If you "love" him still, it may be a good idea for you to write down just what you think Love is and means.

After you do this, maybe make two lists, one the things you like/love about him, and one the things you hate/despise about him.  Let a few days go by between making list one and list two.  Then, compare them, see which is longer, and which behaviors you're prepared to accept from him and which not.

But he seems to have proven that he's a leech, and leeches only drop off once they're so full and sleepy that they can't get any more blood out of you...or in your case, time, money, and attention.

It is also entirely possible that you DO have a sick obsession/addiction to either him or his personality type, and if so, you'll probably need at least a few counseling sessions with a proper therapist to a) find out why you do, and b) how to overcome that desire/substitute a desire for a far better man for you.

If you do not, i'd say that the chances are very high that you simply will not be attracted to a personality type that is more helpful and supportive---you'll look for(and find, more's the pity) someone almost exactly like him, then repeat the pattern, probably because it's the one that feels most comfortable and recognizable to you.

Warmest regards-

Hatman