Perhaps you are starting to recognize that you do have the ability to discern whether someone is or is not good for you. And maybe part of you also sees that you are worthy of having a wonderful and loving relationship with someone who cares about you and acts in accord with that. In other words, like your self more as you suggested.
It might help to understand that nearly everyone has insecurities in one form or another - some are adept at concealing them behind bravado or false esteem. Those who I have known with healthier self-esteem have usually gone through a process of accepting their feelings whether pleasant or unpleasant without judgment. That is, it is okay to feel sad, afraid, etc. - and those feelings don’t mean that one has to try to get rid of them, since that is often attempted by choices and actions that are not necessarily in one’s best interests (for example, staying for a long time with someone who is acting unacceptably out of fear of being alone).
You have also experienced how helpful it can be to share what is going on with you - I hope that you can continue to do so in whatever comes up for you. You never know when someone reading your words sees something that helps them with what they are struggling with.
Hi Sally , your entry reminded me of me years ago . I was married and I am still married to the same man . I did leave him on different occasions at the advise of a priest and counselor . I think I was trying to be a savior . That obviously doe not work . What I need to change is me . Looking within is a good place to start . Why stick to someone married or not that makes you sick emotionally and I could go on .
I'm Catholic and the rule has always been to be the strong one . That is not entirely true. These are things we hear in our homes . It's always the fault of women What is true is this . If there is no love in your marriage we have a tribunal for that in the Catholic Church . That is what the priest told us at Mass the other day . Somehow that hit my husband and he said to me ,"I love you ."
I love Psalm 33 . "...fear the Lord , O ye his sints ,
for they that fear Him know no want .
The powerful have become poor and have hungered ,
but they that seek the Lord shall lack no good thing . "
Thank you both for replys and thoughts. They definitely hit home. I have let him treat me that way he has and I don't have to. I do believe i suffere from low self esteem especially after being with him. However, i had to had it before i met him to allow is actions. I am trying to be strong and keep telling myself that is not how you are suppose to be treated.
And, you are right I am afraid I will end up with someone worse. One of the times we were apart for six months- I dated someone alot worse than him. I need to be strong and learn to like myself before i ever consider another relationship.
I am taking it one day at a time and praying that I will have strength to realize its for the best. Its better to be alone and learn to live that way than it is to be with someone that makes you feel alone anyway.
And, also if i was to advise a friend and had witnessed situations I would definitely say why are you even sad. Be glad he is gone and you are free to do as you like. I would tell them look now you can buy something and not have to be scared he get mad especially when its your mine money. I could go on and on. So i should write the items down of what was good about him and what was bad.
But anyway thank you both for responding and helping me make it though this day-- I don't feel so alone today. Its hard to admit or tell others how he really was. Which is funny because most i am sure knew how he was and just scared to say anything. Its like well if you want to put up with being treated that way than go ahead.
Welcome to Beliefnet and to this small corner of the site! I hope you find sharing what is going on with you useful, and I also hope that the feedback you receive gives some new thoughts on how to proceed.
Hatman has given you much to think about, and I hope that you consider the thoughts expressed. I agree that it is helpful to find someone “better” but what I have in mind is not so much changing partners as it is seeing that “better” person looking back at you in the mirror.
Although you recognize in your mind that this relationship has not served you well, there is a part of you that feels compelled to keep it going - perhaps the same part that kept it going for so many years when what was happening was not okay with you. To paraphrase what Hatman expressed, nobody can make you feel bad without your implicit cooperation.
What I am suggesting is to look within yourself for the understanding of what you can do differently. There is something you are afraid of if you let this man go - perhaps it might help to explore what those fears are and where they come from. You feel guilty for being the catalyst behind this latest breakup - perhaps you hear expressions of anger and accusations. He is entitled to his thoughts and feelings - and so are you. What does it mean to you that someone you care about is angry or upset with you? Can you recall earlier times in your life when that may have happened, even times long ago as a child? What sometimes happens is that the echoes of those early reactions bubble up unconsciously in us when similar circumstances arise. The first step is to notice them, and then recognize that there are different choices we can make regardless of the feelings.
It might also help to imagine what you would tell a friend who came to you with the same story you have. What advice would you give her?
what do i do to get strong and not feel guilty and move on
Best thing for that is to find someone new and far better.
-- why can't i let him go
In truth, only you can answer this, but i suspect that "the devil you know is better than the devil you don't" may play it's part. Perhaps part of you fears that the next guy will be worse(but i don't know how that'd be possible).
As to how to "get strong"? You could maybe start by either going to a gym or making some gym equipment; hanging a bag from a rafter and beating it with your fists could certainly help in a lot of ways, not only making you stronger and more "light", but also letting you vent your frustration and anger at this layabout do-nothing wastrel you've spent TWELVE YEARS being the victim to his vampirish ways. (bloodsucking, using you, sitting around like a lump, etc.)
Here's two things i'd like you to remember: Write 'em down. Put them where you'll see them every day for at least a month---on the back of your front door, on your refrigerator, on your mirror, wherever, and the first is this:
"Nobody can take advantage of you unless you LET them." "You teach people how to treat you by what you will---or WILL NOT---accept."
If you can stay strong for at least 6 weeks to 2 months, i can almost guarantee that this bf will contact YOU and want YOU back. It would be best if, at that time, you could say something like: "Hold on a minute; i'll let you talk to my boyfriend(or fiancé)," then hand the phone to him.
If you "love" him still, it may be a good idea for you to write down just what you think Love is and means.
After you do this, maybe make two lists, one the things you like/love about him, and one the things you hate/despise about him. Let a few days go by between making list one and list two. Then, compare them, see which is longer, and which behaviors you're prepared to accept from him and which not.
But he seems to have proven that he's a leech, and leeches only drop off once they're so full and sleepy that they can't get any more blood out of you...or in your case, time, money, and attention.
It is also entirely possible that you DO have a sick obsession/addiction to either him or his personality type, and if so, you'll probably need at least a few counseling sessions with a proper therapist to a) find out why you do, and b) how to overcome that desire/substitute a desire for a far better man for you.
If you do not, i'd say that the chances are very high that you simply will not be attracted to a personality type that is more helpful and supportive---you'll look for(and find, more's the pity) someone almost exactly like him, then repeat the pattern, probably because it's the one that feels most comfortable and recognizable to you.
Warmest regards-
Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance." -- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
I am new so not sure how to post anything. Also not good on these chat rooms. I am going through a breakup that i acutally caused and the guilt is killing me. He is eight years younger than me so that bothered me. He lived with me and basically i being the woman and he the man it was more like even though I am the woman in the relationship i had to be the man and the woman because he never took control of what a man is suppose to do . Repair stuff worry about the bills, cut grass or whatever. He has been without a job for over a year and i just had enough again -- I mean if he loved me wouldn't i feel it in his actions? His actions seem more like he did not care and he was just living there to have somewhere to live, I feel like he was a bum but why stay with me all these years and come back-- because he got a free ride basically??? He talked to me like a dog all the time. This has been going on for 12 years. We have never married- We have split over the 12 years so many times i can't not remember. I guess with the low self esteem and his ability to make me feel like its all my fault i would always take him back. Sometimes calling and begging him.. Its like a sick addiction because as soon as he comes back he is the same way if not worse and i feel like he has an attitude that i owe him i don't know i just know it is so very unhealthy i am wore down i don't like feeling guilty and i am trying my best not to call im to beg him to come back. I do love him don't know why -- He will be the type you have to take care of but yet he wants to control everything -- what do i do to get strong and not feel guilty and move on -- why can't i let him go
Losing someone is what my son is going through now; it hurts the whole family too. We have the lil' boy at our home along w/our hurting son. I listen to him quite a bit, esp. in the beginning part of his loss. You see his wife left him for his best friend! It has been almost a year now and thank God our son is getting though this terrible loss of separation and deception. This took alot of listening and praying to God to help him. I have asked people to pray for him and his lil' son too. God is mending his heart and he is getting back on his feet now. We continue to affirm his dreams and goals he has set for himself and his son; of course I still continue to pray for him and thank God for all His help.
In 2002 I came home from a long trip cut off from the world (no cell phone) and found out my baby brother died at 43 years old. I went through a terrible heartache and depression for about a year. I thought my life and my family was over. I thought it would be all downhill from there, at 48 years old.
It was my friends that helped me out of the depths of my depression.
Since then I have had too many adventures to mention and more thrills than I could ever imagine.
The downside (and upside) is: life. There have been so many ups and downs since that awful 2002.
Now, I'm on the downhill side again with another heartbreak. I remind myself of my life since 2002, and know there will be an upside coming soon.
How to cope with a broken heart? Simple pray to the lord for a whole much of moral support and go out and live life to the fullest with your true friends and family members. Go to church every week. Just take it one step at a time.
Your friend in Christ,