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Switch to Forum Live View problem with my husband about my daughter that I think will never be resolved.
5 years ago  ::  Jan 02, 2010 - 9:49PM #1
Mersilkee
Posts: 10

Hi,


I posted this to parenting before I saw this community.


I have a terminal illness.  It is a degenerative brain disease.  I may only live for a few more years or I could live up to ten more years (doubtful about that due to disease progression.)

My husband and I have a very good marriage.  We are very close and he has always been good to me.  I think in most marriages there are things that just will never be resolved.


My husband and I have worked very hard to resolve issues between us.  We have always been able to talk things out.

My husband has never had any children of his own.  We are still pursuing the idea of possibly having a child of our own through certain methods but I don't choose to discuss that right now.


The problem is, has and always will be my daughter.  My daughter is 23, married has a 15 month old son and will be having another son in March.

I have always loved her no matter what.  Things were difficult for all of us because her father and I had a messy divorce and her father kept trying to drag me back into court for years by using her as the reason for goinig to court.


My husband use to have a great relationship with my daughter.  The first two years we were together he spent over $40,000 on my children.  Before, my husband came along, I was the main financial support of the children and after I could not work anymore, my husband became the main financial support of the children even though my ex was able to become the custodial parent eventually because my husband had spent $50,000 in legal fees and then was unemployed for 15 months and my ex used the opportunity when we couldn't afford a lawyer to move the kids with him.

My ex decided that he was going to try to destroy the relationship between my children and my husband.  With help from my husband's ex wife, he managed to destroy the relationship between my daughter and my husband.  I don't want to go into details.  I've been through it so many times.


Now, my daughter has left her husband.  I really don't know enough about the situation to know exactly what happened because my husband was unemployed for most of the last year getting laid off three times due to the economy and my daughter rarely spoke to me.

She has started calling me frequently in the past few months, and she came over twice to let me visit with my grandson which is very unusual.


She has said horrible things about my husband  in the past that are not justified.  She also said them in court when her father was trying to get the judge to let him take the kids out of state.

She was very difficult during her teenage years and almost impossible to get along with but I was always there for her and my husband would let me give her money. She has refused to see my husband since she was 13 but he has always let me give her money.


We had to move to another state for a job opportunity.  For 6 years, my daughter and I kept in touch.  She would periodically bring up that my husband abused her and it would upset me terribly.

But, once she became 20, she stopped doing that.  We kept in touch.  My husband noticed that almost always when she called me she wanted money.  He told me he did not like me sending her money and didn't want me to but I had my own account which he provided the money.  He would note I sent her money and usually didn't say anything.


After I was diagnosed with my terminal illness, she was not supportive. I went through a terrible time with unexpected problems with our relatives as well as my husband being laid off three times in one year due to the economey. At first when I told her about my illnes she told me I wasn't terminal, then mostly she just wasn't there for me even though we had moved back to the general area in which she lived.

She refused to come over and see me even though my husband offered to not be there.  She says now that I never offered to do that. She didn't invite me to my grandson's birthday party.  I was living with my brother and she invited his entire family.  I asked her why she didn't invite me and she said she thought I would be too sick to come.


Afte she left her husband she started calling me more for emotional support and I don't mind that at all.

I have explained to my husband that I've felt like since my daughter was born, there was something wrong with her that caused behavior problems, problems with authority, problems finishing anything and difficulty getting a long with people.  My ex never let me have her evaluated and when I finally got a court order she was old enough that she just refused to go and her dad backed her up.  My husband now says that is no excuse for her to treat me and him the way she has.


After my illness, I did come to the realization that my daughter is never going to change and I needed to step back and not worry about her all the time.My husband told me that I should just remove her from my life.

I certainly understand where he is coming from.  She has hurt him, hurt me, I am dying now he is more protective and also she has hurt my son's relationship with my husband.


I have tried to explain to him, no matter how much I pray, tell myself I can move out of her life, I just cannot do it.

A major thing is that my husband is still willing to give financial support to my son and then when my son sees that his sister isn't getting any financial support it has made him feel angry towards my husband.


My husband has done so much for my son more than his own father has done for him but for some reason since my son has become a teenager, he has become more critical of my husband.

In part that is due to the fact that since I have been diagnosed with my terminal illness, my husband has become much more judgemental about people who have hurt me to the point that he has told me that he refuses to drive me to see those people. I've worked around that because there are other people who will take me to see those people.


My daughter has a lot of trouble now, I understand much of it is her own making and I certainly see my husband's point.  After all, she is not his daughter so why should he have to give her anything.  He has given her much more than any step parent would after what has happened.

I just keep praying that God will allow me to put my daughter in God's hands and that I will stop feeling badly about not being able to give her anything.


My husband did say that if my grandson needed something, if it wasn't too expensive then we could discuss sending it to her.

We can't afford to send anyone a X-mas present right now but we will be able to by the middle of the month.  He let me go ahead and get a present for my son and he has already given my oldest niece a very nice gift (paying her a nice amount of money for looking after me) and he is talking about what we will send my other nieces.


I asked him if I could give my daughter a Christmas present and he said no. He said I could give one to my grandson.

When I tell my daughter that I can't give her a X-mas present and that I am no longer allowed to give her any money at all it will cause me great stress. She will go to my son who will call me and ask me why my husband is acting the way he is. The next time my son comes to visit he will be angry at my husband and this will cause me a great deal of stress which always makes me ill. 


When I get ill I either have a major pain crisis or have a major neurological flare up.

I pointed this out to my husband and he said he was no longer going to listen to the excuse that it will make my son upset. 


He also told me that I owe him this loyalty to not give anything to her.

I feel extremely helpless.  I already have had to give up just about every personal freedom that I have including being able to bathe myself.  Eventually I will not be able to go to the bathroom by myself.


He told me that he was not trying to be mean to me and that as soon as we have money I can have my own account but if I sent any money to my daughter he would see it as a huge betrayal.

I just don't know what to do.


eppie
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5 years ago  ::  Jan 03, 2010 - 1:06AM #2
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

Eppie-


First, i'll pray for you and your health condition, that it improve and get better, if you would like that.  Second, if it's cancer-related, i've been amassing quite a collection of alternatives-to-standard-American-cut/burn/poison therapies that you may have an interest in reading.


Third---and i don't know how to say this without angering(or at least irritating) you, but you've made and are still making some serious parenting mistakes.


When your children became teenagers, what did you teach them about independence and responsibility, and how one cannot have true liberty without accepting responsibility for themselves and their actions?


Children, at some point in their lives, discover what "success" means to them, and (especially in the case of your daughter), success apparently means that whatever trouble she gets herself into, she can always turn back to mama's teat and suckle some more dough outta you with another sob-story or "crisis."  If you investigate her next scam(and i can guarantee that there WILL be one), then find out that it's NOT a scam, but that she's in seriously deep kimshee, tell her that she needs to go to at least 3 banks and ask them for a loan, first...then show you their rejection letters before you'll THING about lending her a nickel.  At that time, have her draw up a promissary note that includes details of the repayment arrangements, with the penalties laid out for non-payment, up to and including paying for skip tracers, filing fees, forfeiture of assets(getting collateral out of her may also be a great thing), and all other reasonable and necessary collection fees.  The reason i said to have HER draw up the note?  In contract law, the drawer of the contract has more responsibility than the signer, but she doesn't need to know that; she needs to know that you intend to be fair, but seriously firm.


My best advice would be to give her all the advice she can handle, but not another penny, ever, until she repays a good deal of what you've ALREADY given.  She's acting like the Proverbial leech, as in "The leech has two daughters; 'Give!' 'Give!' they cry."  (that is a literal proverb from the literal Biblical Book of Proverbs, btw---ol' Solomon learnt a thing or two in his day.)


Unfortunately, you may have made a mistake similar to this one:






BUTTERFLY LESSON

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared, he sat
and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body
through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It
appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no further. So
the man decided to help the butterfly he took a pair of scissors and snipped
off the remaining bit of the cocoon.

The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small,
shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected
that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support
the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly
spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled
wings. It never was able to fly

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the
restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through
the tiny opening were Creator's way of forcing fluid from the body of the
butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved
its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If Creator allowed us
to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not
be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly.

I asked for Strength.........And the Creator gave me Difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for Wisdom.........And the Creator gave me Problems to solve.
I asked for Prosperity.........And the Creator gave me Brain and Brawn to work.
I asked for Courage.........And the Creator gave me Danger to overcome.
I asked for Love.........And the Creator gave me Troubled people to help.
I asked for Favors.........And the Creator gave me Opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted, and I received everything I needed.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


 


Let your husband read this post, and ask him what he thinks.


 


Warmest regards-


 


Hatman


 


 


 


 


 

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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5 years ago  ::  Jan 03, 2010 - 2:05AM #3
Mersilkee
Posts: 10

Thank you for your reply.  There are other things that I did not put in the post because they would make the post very long.  I have requested for you to be my friend so that I can send you a private message.


Thanks

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5 years ago  ::  Jan 03, 2010 - 12:43PM #4
ManzanitaBear
Posts: 946

While I agree with the other poster, this stands out for me:


Jan 2, 2010 -- 9:49PM, Mersilkee wrote:

We had to move to another state for a job opportunity.  For 6 years, my daughter and I kept in touch.  She would periodically bring up that my husband abused her and it would upset me terribly.



I see a few possibilities here: your ex got her to say that your husband abused her, but it wasn't true. That sounds like the one you've chosen to believe. The other possibility is that your husband did abuse her. Overall good people can be child abusers, too. Sexual abuse in particular (the way you word it, I get the impression that's what she's alleged). It happens behind closed doors and can be easy to deny.


If she's telling the truth about that, and you're refusing to believe her, it's no wonder that there are problems.


Finally, it's possible that your husband didn't abuse her, but someone else did, she wasn't believed about that, and she then projected it onto your husband.

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5 years ago  ::  Jan 06, 2010 - 11:15PM #5
Erey
Posts: 18,722

I don't think this is something you can fix, I don't think you should try.  Give up the idea that you will ever be one big happy family.


You have two (mostly) grown children, and a husband - you love all three.


You have a limited time to live, we all do.  You might live for just a few years or you might live for decades but your time is limited.  Instead of focusing on your problems with these people, focus on your love.  Focus not on your family as one big unit but your relationship with each person.  I know this is easier said that done. 


Instead of getting caught up in the drama between your children and your husband and your exhusband - just refuse.  Talk to your kids about yourself, your love for them, keep it positive.  If they want to go off about your husband just say your time is short and since you can't do anything about the bad feelings between the three of them it does not make any sense to discuss it.  Talk about your grandchild, talk about your children's childhood.  Try to do activities with your kids that are fun. If you are able to get out, get out with them.  Watch and admire the new babies with them.


With your husband try not to talk about the kids.  Just don't go there.  Instead talk to him about how much you appreciate him, about how you are very grateful for him.  Tell him he is in no way responsible for trying to solve your relationship problems with your children but as their mother you feel compelled to work on it, to make it happen if you can. Don't share with him everytime the kids upset and hurt you.  He can't handle it


You probably will not be able to do this perfectly and will have alot of mistakes but keep working at it. 


Who knows if your husband mistreated your children but it does sound like the whole situation was very messy between you and your ex .  You can't help that now, just focus on the now and what you can do moment by moment to create a positive experience between yourself and your loved ones. 

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