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Switch to Forum Live View Been cheated on? (inspired by Tiger Woods)
5 years ago  ::  Dec 22, 2009 - 9:07PM #1
IHOP
Posts: 2,179

Have you ever been with someone that cheated on you multiple times?  Only for you to discover it afterwards?  What did you do?  What excuses did they give?  Was there any excuse you would have accepted?

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5 years ago  ::  Dec 23, 2009 - 12:41AM #2
ManzanitaBear
Posts: 946

I've had two different people cheat on me. With the first, that ended the relationship. In another relationship, I chose to forgive... in large part because he owned up to it and did not make excuses.


Someone who cheats multiple times, or even cheats once and makes excuses, is unlikely to be committed to the relationship. Someone who takes responsibility for their behavior is a different story.

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5 years ago  ::  Dec 23, 2009 - 8:57AM #3
REteach
Posts: 15,187

I think I am inclined to agree with Bear.  For me, the behavior would absolutely have to stop after being discovered.  Whatever led to it would need some work.  However, some people are willing to have more open relationships. 


Not everyone who is rich, powerful or famous cheats.  I wonder, though, if the rate does increase with celebrity and golddiggers or the male equivalent thereof.  I am glad I don't need to deal with that. 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 23, 2009 - 4:52PM #4
Idenitycrisis
Posts: 351

With every new relationship I've been in I've been upfront about my weakness, Cheat, and you Skeet! I personally won't tolerate this, as I have not cheated on anyone while in that relationship. Of course this is one guy's perspective, I know women (the girl I'm seeing actually) that feels the same way I do. It usually depends on the above factors mentioned  though, and if it could be reconciled making a relationship stronger, well we all have our "trials and tribulations" to work through in life.

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5 years ago  ::  Dec 27, 2009 - 12:53AM #5
ManzanitaBear
Posts: 946

Dec 23, 2009 -- 8:57AM, REteach wrote:

  However, some people are willing to have more open relationships.



If it's a truly open relationship, with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved, then it isn't cheating. It's not having more than one partner that makes cheating cheating. It's dishonesty, lack of consideration for a partner's feelings, and not being truly committed to the relationship.


The times I was cheated on, I didn't know about the other woman until after the fact, and the other women were led to believe the men involved were more available than they were. That's dishonesty. That certainly wasn't taking my feelings into account... or the other women's, really. And in neither case would I have consented to an open relationship. It's not what I want, then or now.


For some people, an open relationship works. More power to them. But even for open relationship folks, there needs to be honesty and trust. They may not define sleeping with someone else as cheating in and of itself, but if the real trust in the relationship were violated, that would be it.


In my case, I want, expect, and am now in, a committed, monogamous relationship. So sleeping with someone else would violate that trust.

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5 years ago  ::  Dec 30, 2009 - 2:59PM #6
withfearandtrembling
Posts: 138

Because I consider a lap dance to be a form of adultery, I have been cheated on repeatedly by my husband. I was also cheated on by him once emotionally (a behind-my-back friendship with what I'd call dating, some kissing, but no sex). However, I did not know about any of this infidelity until recently, when I learned about it all at once, in the space of a few weeks.


The lap dances had occured several times over a period of years. His excuse for doing it was that he "thought it was no big deal" and he "wanted to hang out with the guys" and he "didn't think it was sexual" (!!!!). His excuse for keeping it a secret from me for years was that he "knew I would be upset by it" and he "didn't want to upset me." But one of his excuses for doing it was that he didn't know I thought it was adultery, and once he knew I thought it was adultery, he stopped, and never did it again. So that's to his credit; however, he did at least know that it would greatly upset me every time he did it, yet he did it anyway, and lied to me about it; told me he would never go to a strip club. And I assumed he would think a lap dance was adultery, so it never occured to me that he would do it, and it was a shock indeed to discover he had several times. It was a shock to discover he didn't believe what I thought he believed about sexual fidelity; that he didn't believe what I thought he believed about male honor and the proper way to treat women with respect; that he didn't beleive what I thought he believed about what it means to be a Christian. It was all very shocking to the core. Almost like waking up and finding oneself suddenly married to a stranger. Yet I was married to him, and had children with him. So...I am working through the sense of betrayal, distrust, and disrespect it has generated in me. Provided it does not happen again, I am determined to work through it.


As for the emotional affair, his excuse was initially that I was neglecting him and not meeting his needs. Later, he did not offer an excuse but only repentance. He ended the affair before it got very far, and gave me proof of such; we went to counseling, and are working on our marriage. Had we no children, I likely would have chosen divorce. But things are not as simple as I once imagined them to be, and we will work on it. I hope to be happy again one day.  For me, the key is that he has since accepted responsibility, apologized, committed not to do it again, and is working on improving our marraige. The emotional affair stopped the moment I learned about it; the lap dances, years before I learned about them.

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5 years ago  ::  Dec 30, 2009 - 3:17PM #7
DAH54
Posts: 3,318

I'm curious do you derive any pleasure, any joy that your husband did NOT engage in sexual intercourse with these women?


 


 

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5 years ago  ::  Dec 30, 2009 - 3:30PM #8
withfearandtrembling
Posts: 138

Dec 30, 2009 -- 3:17PM, DAH54 wrote:


I'm curious do you derive any pleasure, any joy that your husband did NOT engage in sexual intercourse with these women?


 



Pleasure? Joy? That's a weird way of putting it. It's sort of like asking, "Do you derive any pleasure, any joy, from the fact that your husband did not break both your arms but only bloodied your nose?" No, I don't suppose I derive any pleasure, any joy from that. What I might derive is some reassurance that the future could still work out happily for us. If he had had sex with any of those strippers, we would be divorced, I am certain. And if he had had sex with the woman with whom he had an emotional affair, we would more likely be divorced (though I am not certain we would be). It is probably owing to the fact that he did not have sex with them that I have the willingness to try to make the marriage work in the future, and not to walk away and end it.


 




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5 years ago  ::  Dec 30, 2009 - 7:24PM #9
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

withfearandtrembling,

It is very courageous of both you and your husband to try to heal from what happened. Emotional affairs can be very devastating, particularly to women (I recall a study that indicated women found them more damaging than a sexual affair, whereas with men it was the opposite). It is clear that you both have a strong desire to make the marriage a loving and wonderful one.

The fact that you and he had differences about what was acceptable behavior and what constituted adultery is why learning to communicate effectively is so important in couples. Hopefully that is part of the work you and he are doing in the process.

Please remember that although you have a complete right to expect 100% faithful behavior as you define it (and as hopefully the two of you agree about), the more you can try to hear and understand (and even validate) what he was feeling, the more healing will occur.

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5 years ago  ::  Dec 31, 2009 - 9:12PM #10
Wendyness
Posts: 3,012

Dec 30, 2009 -- 3:17PM, DAH54 wrote:


I'm curious do you derive any pleasure, any joy that your husband did NOT engage in sexual intercourse with these women?


 


 




 


I think you ought to read up on "emotional affairs" before you make such a remark.  They are just as harmful and destructive to a marriage than physical affairs.

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