I've had two different people cheat on me. With the first, that ended the relationship. In another relationship, I chose to forgive... in large part because he owned up to it and did not make excuses.

Someone who cheats multiple times, or even cheats once and makes excuses, is unlikely to be committed to the relationship. Someone who takes responsibility for their behavior is a different story.

Because I consider a lap dance to be a form of adultery, I have been cheated on repeatedly by my husband. I was also cheated on by him once emotionally (a behind-my-back friendship with what I'd call dating, some kissing, but no sex). However, I did not know about any of this infidelity until recently, when I learned about it all at once, in the space of a few weeks.

The lap dances had occured several times over a period of years. His excuse for doing it was that he "thought it was no big deal" and he "wanted to hang out with the guys" and he "didn't think it was sexual" (!!!!). His excuse for keeping it a secret from me for years was that he "knew I would be upset by it" and he "didn't want to upset me." But one of his excuses for doing it was that he didn't know I thought it was adultery, and once he knew I thought it was adultery, he stopped, and never did it again. So that's to his credit; however, he did at least know that it would greatly upset me every time he did it, yet he did it anyway, and lied to me about it; told me he would never go to a strip club. And I assumed he would think a lap dance was adultery, so it never occured to me that he would do it, and it was a shock indeed to discover he had several times. It was a shock to discover he didn't believe what I thought he believed about sexual fidelity; that he didn't believe what I thought he believed about male honor and the proper way to treat women with respect; that he didn't beleive what I thought he believed about what it means to be a Christian. It was all very shocking to the core. Almost like waking up and finding oneself suddenly married to a stranger. Yet I was married to him, and had children with him. So...I am working through the sense of betrayal, distrust, and disrespect it has generated in me. Provided it does not happen again, I am determined to work through it.

As for the emotional affair, his excuse was initially that I was neglecting him and not meeting his needs. Later, he did not offer an excuse but only repentance. He ended the affair before it got very far, and gave me proof of such; we went to counseling, and are working on our marriage. Had we no children, I likely would have chosen divorce. But things are not as simple as I once imagined them to be, and we will work on it. I hope to be happy again one day.  For me, the key is that he has since accepted responsibility, apologized, committed not to do it again, and is working on improving our marraige. The emotional affair stopped the moment I learned about it; the lap dances, years before I learned about them.

Dec 30, 2009 -- 3:17PM, DAH54 wrote:

I'm curious do you derive any pleasure, any joy that your husband did NOT engage in sexual intercourse with these women?

 

Pleasure? Joy? That's a weird way of putting it. It's sort of like asking, "Do you derive any pleasure, any joy, from the fact that your husband did not break both your arms but only bloodied your nose?" No, I don't suppose I derive any pleasure, any joy from that. What I might derive is some reassurance that the future could still work out happily for us. If he had had sex with any of those strippers, we would be divorced, I am certain. And if he had had sex with the woman with whom he had an emotional affair, we would more likely be divorced (though I am not certain we would be). It is probably owing to the fact that he did not have sex with them that I have the willingness to try to make the marriage work in the future, and not to walk away and end it.

Dec 30, 2009 -- 3:17PM, DAH54 wrote:

I'm curious do you derive any pleasure, any joy that your husband did NOT engage in sexual intercourse with these women?

 

 

I think you ought to read up on "emotional affairs" before you make such a remark.  They are just as harmful and destructive to a marriage than physical affairs.