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Switch to Forum Live View CONFUSION AND THE "BLACK HOLE" OF DESPAIR... despair ...despair... despair...whimper...sob
4 years ago  ::  Dec 13, 2009 - 8:49AM #1
Idenitycrisis
Posts: 351

I'm new to this part of Bnet. So let me introduce myself. My name is Caoimhin (Kevin), my family line is Irish-Italian, I'm in my late 30's and I'm thinkin, I'm still a child when it comes to relationships. I have thousands of "potential" viewpoints here so I'll start crackin!!! October 31 of this year I went to a Halloween Party on a whim, from a friend who invited me from work. At the shindig within a few minutes or so I noticed a girl dressed like, ah, yes, an angel. We chatted through the night along with my friend. I started feeling an attraction to her. It became so irrisistable (I'm quite passive) I wanted to ask her out! I flirted like crazy, and at the end of the night my friend showed me a message on her phone. It said "If you want her number, ask, you'll get it!" (Im trying to be as truthful and detailed as possible so all can understand from their own perspectives.) I asked got it, and we started talking and texting. Through the last, almost month and half, it's been pretty cool. I"m afraid though that after such a short time I've become quite emotionally invested. She has alot of guy friends, and I've met a couple of them. They're what you'd call interesting. One displays somewhat autistic tendencies, the others a DJ, and I dont think I've met the rest. Well, she has an ex, and apparently, (I met him at a bar, and we talked) they were "together" the night before we met. Well, no big deal. Now, I'm in the middle of a verbal war, which involves, my girlfriend, her ex (the one I met), and my friend that invited me to the Halloween party. Her ex warned she plays games, my friend from work is now worried for me that I'm gonna get hurt, and I'm topsy turvey!!!! I can never get into a relationship where things are just OK at a minimum. On top of that now my girl says she got in a big fight with her ex at a bar where he was talking bleep about me, and she tells me she left and hung out with a guy friend who did drugs in front of her while she cried. You see on top of that pile, we have OPPOSITE SCHEDULES. I work 5am to 2pm, she works 2pm to 11pm. We see each other Wed. night for a few  hours, and Saturday, after work we hang out, sometimes I stay over, and usually Sunday afternoon. On top of that, yesterday I had bells going off. After her emotional email saying I was her best friend...etc. I thought we were getting closer. Anyway yesterday, I had already talked to her about a movie Saturday, and my friend and a girl he met was going. I texted her and asked if she wanted me to swing by, she texted back no, I've never heard of that movie have fun. OK, so I go, as the third wheel in my book, then another text, I'm going to blank mall, thats exactally where we were going!!! Anyway, after the movie, I texted her since she was in the area why not come to dinner. She did, it was awkward. Afterwards I went to give her a kiss and she gave me the cheek. I should, as a final conclusion say, and she did tell me, she was with her friend Chris (another guy) who apparently worked on her car, and then they had dinner and went to the mall,(they drove seperate) then she came and had dinner with me. I don't know how to feel or think right now, I don't want to overreact, I don't want to underreact. I know any advice I get will be limited, and of course no one can know the whole situation from just a thread, I just thought I'd drop this one on the lap of my "spiritual friends" here at Bnet. Shalom!

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4 years ago  ::  Dec 13, 2009 - 9:49AM #2
REteach
Posts: 13,548

I get the impression she is having fun and you are looking for serious.  I think that may be what your friend meant when he said she would give you her number.  Some good-timers do find Mr. Right and settle down. However, I don't get the impression she is moving in that direction. 


Sometimes friendships are like warm butter.  If you hold them too tightly, they'll squish right between your fingers.  IMO, if you want to continue the friendship, you need to be content merely to be a friend for a significant period of time.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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4 years ago  ::  Dec 13, 2009 - 10:21AM #3
Idenitycrisis
Posts: 351

Dec 13, 2009 -- 9:49AM, REteach wrote:


I get the impression she is having fun and you are looking for serious.  I think that may be what your friend meant when he said she would give you her number.  Some good-timers do find Mr. Right and settle down. However, I don't get the impression she is moving in that direction. 


Sometimes friendships are like warm butter.  If you hold them too tightly, they'll squish right between your fingers.  IMO, if you want to continue the friendship, you need to be content merely to be a friend for a significant period of time.



Exactlly, and in my mind, I don't have time for games. I've asked G-d to guide me, maybe I've taken over, and he's thinking, you're on your own!FrownI feel I haven't acted in harmony with his will, and I may be reaping the whilwind! Thanks.

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4 years ago  ::  Dec 13, 2009 - 11:33AM #4
Tmarie64
Posts: 5,277

If you want a relationship with her, and she doesn't want one with you, cut her loose.  You're only going to get more and more emotionally invested and she's going to keep using you for convenience (aka friend) when she doesn't have "something better" to do.   If you want more than she does you need to move on to someone who wants what you want.

James Thurber - "It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."
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4 years ago  ::  Dec 13, 2009 - 11:41AM #5
Idenitycrisis
Posts: 351

Holy Mary, Martha, and Joseph (respectful outcry) Thank you, this has turned out soooo much better then expected, and I've only recieved two replys! G-d bless, and keep em comin!SmileSmileSmile

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4 years ago  ::  Dec 13, 2009 - 11:41AM #6
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
IC-
First, I think that RE's advice is spot-on.  (love the butter analogy.)
Second, if you like this girl and want her, you would need to show her that you DON'T need her; paradoxically, I've discovered that many women---at least in the early part of the relationship---do not appreciate that which they can have too easily.  (neither do men, for that matter.)

So, cool your jets, there, astro-lad!  Make her work a bit for your time and attention.  If you leave her be, and she doesn't contact you at all, you got your answer, hurtful as it will be to take.  When she DOES call/text, reply after a time with (what may be uncharacteristic) aloofness, with an "I'm busy/occupied/got this gal on hold" sortof non-answer.  Keep the mystery, baby, and don't answer her questions about the "other woman," whether there is one or isn't.

Yeah, it's playin' games.  Think SHE ain't?

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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4 years ago  ::  Dec 13, 2009 - 5:31PM #7
Idenitycrisis
Posts: 351

I seem to find the "unique" girls. I mean some girls like the one I'm seeing just don't relate that well to other women, and typically they have alot of guy friends. The majority of those friends are platonic. But, it's like my uncle commented, not many guys hang out with girls without at least wishing, or hoping (secretly) for something more if the situation ever presented itself. I tend to agree with him. He also told me to, as it has been said here, take it slowly, steadily. So, I appreciate everyone here for letting me wear my "heart on my sleeve", and give me such positive feedback, it's a wonderful testament to our common humanity.

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4 years ago  ::  Dec 13, 2009 - 7:24PM #8
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

IC-


Know how you catch a unique girl?  Same way you catch a unique duck.


U 'neek up on 'em.


That groaner out of the way, I think that it's likely that one of the main problems is that a) there's competition, and b) you've made yourself too available to her/too willing to compromise what you're up to/about to be responsive to her whims.


IME, this is not a recipé for success, but for being treated like a doormat.


I have several e-books on the topic of what qualities of personality women find themselves attracted to; one of the many things I've discovered in this life is that for many(if not most) women, what they SAY they want and what/who they're actually ATTRACTED to are quite different critters.  Send me a PM, if interested.


Warmest regards-


Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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4 years ago  ::  Dec 14, 2009 - 8:20PM #9
DAH54
Posts: 3,318

I'm curious you seem to be looking for a partner....


What do you want in that partner? Do you want that partner to be just another in a long list of also runs? Or are you looking for someone unique? Someone special? Or just any old fish in the ocean? Do you value your future partner for who they are now? What does it mean to value them to you? Do you value them enough to want to spend time with them? Or do you only value some future reward from the potential of them becoming Mrs..


Do you enjoy being with her? Do you enjoy buying things for her? Or are these things simply a form of manipulation? You seem to want a girl that will not play mind games with you, have you consider the possibility that is also what she is looking for? Just my own personal take, but if you choose to "play" hard to get, you are introducing the mind games into the relationship.  She appears on the surface to be honest, you are aware you are not the only male in her life for now. That you are in competition with others, do you believe in yourself? Really? Or are you after a sure thing? Is she worth the effort? If she is, should you really be surprised that she wants to find out how much effort you think she is worth?


Just a few thoughts you might consider....


 


 


 

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4 years ago  ::  Dec 17, 2009 - 5:13PM #10
IHOP
Posts: 2,180

Nothing beats actually talking to the person involved Laughing

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