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Switch to Forum Live View Emotional Affairs...Don't mind me, I'm just venting...
5 years ago  ::  Nov 25, 2009 - 10:07AM #21
Cesmom
Posts: 4,586

Nov 24, 2009 -- 9:08PM, Wendyness wrote:


If there is truly unfounded anxiety it should be professionally addressed.  Was her husband aware of her trust issues before they were married?  If so, he knew what he was marrying.  There is a fine line to walk in maintaining friendships with the opposite sex while married.  A lot of people cross that line and become more than just friends. 




Her issues are being professionally addressed in depth.


Her husband was aware of the issues before they were married.  He was also very young and naive.  Couples evolve, and I think it's unrealistic to say that my spouse should continue to accept every flaw I've ever had cuz he's the one who married me...not my fault.  If I recognize that there is an area I could grow in that would make my marriage better, I should try to do so.  It's not unreasonable to expect your spouse to follow you as you grow into a more mature person.


A lot of people do cross that line.  I agree with you completely.  So what is the answer?  Is it to avoid ever talking to someone of the opposite sex?  I mean, that seems to be the only 100% surefire way to avoid the risk of a line ever being crossed.  Or, do you just remain conscious of that line and make sure not to cross it?


 

Our need to learn should always outweigh our need to be right

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them.
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5 years ago  ::  Nov 25, 2009 - 11:01AM #22
appy20
Posts: 10,165

I can't remember where, but I saw a show with a male therapist on it who said that men, especially during the beginning or prior to their marriages, should be aware of some things that do put their relationships at risk. I thought that was an intelligent solution.


My uncle made a point to never have female friends and never be in a room alone with a woman not a relative or his wife.  Not to appease his wife, however.  He made that decision for himself.  I thought it was exreme  until he explained it to me.  He knew of a man accused of having an affair who he believed with every ounce of his being to be innocent.  He felt the accusation was a question of enmity.    He never wanted to be vulnerable to other people's spite.  My uncle was a very handsome, wealthy, alpha male who did attract a lot of women.  He never wanted his wife to feel as if she had to compete with them.  She trusted him 100% and had no input in his decision to do what he did. 


I have male friends who are married. One I have talked on the phone with for hours. I worked with him for 20 years.  It was often hilarious; he and I could complete each other's sentences as if we had been married for 20 years.    I never had any romantic inclinations toward him nor he me.  However, I know men that I have no interest in whatsoever, assume because I want to be friends that I am looking for a romantic connection.  That has happened too many times.  Some men just think they are God's gift to women and  It can be a tricky line to navigate.


If you are a person whose "heart" rules your intellect, you might want to be extra careful with friendships with the opposite sex.  People who don't rule their lives by intellect might find they are in over their heads. 


Nonetheless, if there is no affair and if the woman has always driven her husband nuts with her insecurity and fears of him having an affair, she is the nutcase and needs therapy.  If she has never trusted him, then she definitely has the problem. If he is that untrustworthy, then she still has the problem.  Get out.

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5 years ago  ::  Nov 25, 2009 - 11:17AM #23
Cesmom
Posts: 4,586

Thanks for the story, Appy.  I think it's commendable that your uncle took such proactive steps to make sure your aunt never got the wrong idea.  Of course, if you had told me the same story reversed, and the aunt would have asked the uncle to take those same steps, I would've thought she was being controlling.  I guess it all has a lot to do with where it comes from.


I think my friend and her husband are both at their wits end on this one.  I sincerely hope the time spent with her therapist does some good.  Many things in their marriage have been reaching the boiling point, and I think this issue could push them over the edge.  I know that she desperately wants her marriage to work, and I think working through this particular issue will be key to making that happen.

Our need to learn should always outweigh our need to be right

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them.
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5 years ago  ::  Nov 25, 2009 - 12:48PM #24
Anesis
Posts: 1,542

Appy, that was a good story about your uncle. He did it, I'm sure, for two reasons: to protect his reputation, and also out of love for his wife. That is being a true leader in his home - loving his wife enough to protect both his reputation and the marriage by taking deliberate steps to provide no room for questioning his integrity. He is a good man....

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5 years ago  ::  Nov 25, 2009 - 1:01PM #25
DAH54
Posts: 3,318

We know that the wife is manipulative, controlling... Willing to spin things her way, and seeking emotional support. An "Emotional Affair" is a word in common usage, once again the wife is manipulative, anyone really stop to consider just how much "Emotional Support" the wife gains with a claim that the therapist labeled this as an Emotional Affair? All we actually have is the wife's claim that it was so labeled, just a thought.


Who committed the first transgression? The wife acknowledges "hacking" her husbands email account. Who is seeking Emotional Support here, the wife is... Who is sharing details of the marriage here, the wife is.... Whom is involving outsiders in an attempt to gain justification, the wife is....


Funny if a male had done this, and hacked into his wife's account, the opinions expressed here are likely to have been different.


As to Appy uncle, can we say homosexual? Is it somehow more acceptable to seek emotional support from the same sex than the opposite sex? Is marriage about becoming totally dependant on just one other human? Is it about making another human responsible for your emotions?  Is it permission to manipulate? What is a health relationship, is it one where one spouse feels justified in hacking into another accounts?


 


 

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5 years ago  ::  Nov 25, 2009 - 1:08PM #26
Wendyness
Posts: 3,013

Nov 25, 2009 -- 1:01PM, DAH54 wrote:


We know that the wife is manipulative, controlling... Willing to spin things her way, and seeking emotional support. An "Emotional Affair" is a word in common usage, once again the wife is manipulative, anyone really stop to consider just how much "Emotional Support" the wife gains with a claim that the therapist labeled this as an Emotional Affair? All we actually have is the wife's claim that it was so labeled, just a thought.


Who committed the first transgression? The wife acknowledges "hacking" her husbands email account. Who is seeking Emotional Support here, the wife is... Who is sharing details of the marriage here, the wife is.... Whom is involving outsiders in an attempt to gain justification, the wife is....


Funny if a male had done this, and hacked into his wife's account, the opinions expressed here are likely to have been different.


As to Appy uncle, can we say homosexual? Is it somehow more acceptable to seek emotional support from the same sex than the opposite sex? Is marriage about becoming totally dependant on just one other human? Is it about making another human responsible for your emotions?  Is it permission to manipulate? What is a health relationship, is it one where one spouse feels justified in hacking into another accounts?


 


 




DAH54,


Are you homophobic?  You have stooped to a new low!

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5 years ago  ::  Nov 25, 2009 - 1:11PM #27
Cesmom
Posts: 4,586

Nov 25, 2009 -- 1:01PM, DAH54 wrote:


We know that the wife is manipulative, controlling... Willing to spin things her way, and seeking emotional support.


Is marriage about becoming totally dependant on just one other human? Is it about making another human responsible for your emotions?  Is it permission to manipulate? What is a health relationship, is it one where one spouse feels justified in hacking into another accounts?




I don't think that people in healthy relationships hack into each others' email accounts.  I think that's a definite sign of a problem. 


She is not a bad person, and she loves her husband.  She is manipulating things, but out of her own fears, not out of some desire to hurt him.  It's something she really needs to work through, as I fear it's creating permanent damage in her marriage.


Marriage shouldn't be about becoming completely dependent on just one other human.  The person one marries should be the most important person in their life, but not the only person. 

Our need to learn should always outweigh our need to be right

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them.
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5 years ago  ::  Nov 25, 2009 - 1:40PM #28
REteach
Posts: 14,194

CEs, she is lucky to have you for a friend. 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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5 years ago  ::  Nov 25, 2009 - 1:44PM #29
DAH54
Posts: 3,318

Manipulation I believe implies someone is being harmed...


Is it somehow more okay to harm someone out of fear than anger? Sometime ago I started a thread about being accused of an Emotional Affair when none exist. This is kind of like being accused of child molestation, you are going to be damaged simply by being accused. It is a no win.


The more he attempts to exert his own independence the more likely his spouse will feel it as not being loved, and the more unwilling she will become to acknowledging she is attempting to make him responsible for her feelings.


 

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5 years ago  ::  Nov 25, 2009 - 1:49PM #30
appy20
Posts: 10,165

Nov 25, 2009 -- 12:48PM, Anesis wrote:


Appy, that was a good story about your uncle. He did it, I'm sure, for two reasons: to protect his reputation, and also out of love for his wife. That is being a true leader in his home - loving his wife enough to protect both his reputation and the marriage by taking deliberate steps to provide no room for questioning his integrity. He is a good man....




He was a good man in so many ways.  He was a strong man.  He didn't need the adoration of other women to get him through life.  He could handle his moments of inadequacy and feeling inadequate with grace.  Women throwing themselves at him did not give him a swelled head.  


He adored his wife.  She was chubby.  She was slightly neurotic.  He never held that against her.  He appreciated her good points.  He never used them as an excuse to be unhappy in his marriage.  When she got cancer, he was her biggest source of strength.  The love he had for her filled a room.  She never doubted that he loved her.  They built a business together, they survived the death of a child and grandchildren.  They were married 55 years. Their lives had challenges.  It was not gilded.


I had/have two more uncles just like him.  One died last year. When you have seen that, it is very hard to settle for less.  Maybe that is how I can tell cheaters from noncheaters.  Some men are obviously not them.


My mother always said the reason she married badly twice is because she assumed all men were like her brothers and it took a lot experience before she realized that was just not true.  Few men are really up to the job of a committed marriage.

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