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Switch to Forum Live View Break up/Ending of a "relationship"
5 years ago  ::  Oct 20, 2009 - 5:11PM #1
tattwo
Posts: 286

Hello all,


I've been dating this guy for about 5 mos now. For the most part, it seems like we do is argue. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy his conversations and we do have fun together but it doesn't supersede the arguments and what we argue about. I'm 33 and he's 45 so of course there's an age difference but sometimes I feel older them him. I told him that his maturity level stop at the age of 20 because some of the things that say that gets me upset, he doesn't understand why I'm upset. For example I talk about my friends a lot because they mean a lot to me and they've been there for me more then some of my relatives after my mother past last year. He has never met any of my friends but I have a friend named Mercedes and he said that her name is pretty and would like to meet her to see if she's pretty like her name. He doesn't understand why I'm made or offended by that. However, gets jealous of men when other men gives me attention or what's to no my whereabouts when he can't get in touch with me.


It confuses me because he wants to meet my friends to see if they are pretty, but is intimidated by men giving me compliments and looks. I'm not an ugly woman and he know this. He compliments me too. However, I asked him if he's completely satisfied with me why is so overly concerned with how my friends look? I told him if he feel like I'm not the one for him, leave me alone. There'll be no hard feelings. Move out the way to let the right man come in and do what he supposed to do.Again, I do enjoy his company so he spent the weekend with me. After he left for work on Monday, I was like I'm threw with this. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I tried breaking it off a few times before but I didn't stick to my guns. He called me a few times yesterday, but I didn't answer my phone and I didn't talk to him today either.


I don't want to talk to him or deal with him anymore but if I tell him this its going to be some long drawn out drama on the phone with him crying begging and pleading. AND ensuring me that he's going to do better, etc. I don't want to hear that. So am I wrong for leaving like it is?

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5 years ago  ::  Oct 20, 2009 - 8:05PM #2
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Part of you enjoys being with this man, and another part of you is extremely uncomfortable with many of the things that are said, and what is implied by what is said. You are clear that you want to end the relationship, and you are afraid of being talked back into it again. Somehow you feel you don't have any choice but to put up with the drama and listen to it - and perhaps in the past you have felt you had no choice but to go along with a reconcilliation that you didn't want either.

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5 years ago  ::  Oct 21, 2009 - 12:34AM #3
tattwo
Posts: 286

Oct 20, 2009 -- 8:05PM, ArnieBeeGut wrote:


Part of you enjoys being with this man, and another part of you is extremely uncomfortable with many of the things that are said, and what is implied by what is said. You are clear that you want to end the relationship, and you are afraid of being talked back into it again.



You are absolutely right on this. 100% right!!! We all have issues but I can't be with someone who claims to want to be with me but at the same time scouring the field for other women. It hurts my feelings but I'm not mad at him because all that is saying to me is that I'm not the one for him. I'm ok with that. That doesn't take nothing away from me as a person. I know that the right man is out there for me. Therefore, he just needs to move out the way and let the right man come in a do what he suppose to do instead of holding onto me for his own selfish reasons. I enjoy spending time with him but would rather spend time with someone that is truly into and is considerate of my feelings.


Oct 20, 2009 -- 8:05PM, ArnieBeeGut wrote:


Somehow you feel you don't have any choice but to put up with the drama and listen to it - and perhaps in the past you have felt you had no choice but to go along with a reconcilliation that you didn't want either.




I don't think I feel like I have to put up with it Arniebee because I do know all I have to do is work away. What it is that when things get hard and stressful I get very flighty. So I told myself I need to stop running all the time. I thought well let me give him a shot. Sometimes I don't give people a chance. Under any other circumstances this "relationship" wouldn't lasted a month. BUT I tried. I can't deal with lies and deceit and he lied sometimes just for the sake of lying. If all this going on in the begining of the relationship, it's not going to get any better.

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5 years ago  ::  Oct 21, 2009 - 3:17PM #4
BeerLover
Posts: 1,151

Oct 20, 2009 -- 5:11PM, tattwo wrote:


I don't want to talk to him or deal with him anymore but if I tell him this its going to be some long drawn out drama on the phone with him crying begging and pleading. AND ensuring me that he's going to do better, etc. I don't want to hear that. So am I wrong for leaving like it is?



Hi Tatt, long time no see.  He is going to call or stop by sometime, isn't he?  What areyou going to do then?  I'm a little confused, it seems you are leaving things open-ended.  It seems like you still have to tell him it's over at some point.  Or am I missing something.


BeerLover

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5 years ago  ::  Oct 21, 2009 - 8:20PM #5
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

It makes perfect sense to only want to be with someone who wants to be with you and isn't also looking for other relationships. Perhaps you are convinced that he will do the right thing and step out of the way so you can move on. You are clear now that you want out of the relationship; perhaps part of you feels that it is not possible for you to do so in such a way that ends it regardless of what he says or does.

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5 years ago  ::  Oct 22, 2009 - 6:14PM #6
DAH54
Posts: 3,318

Oct 21, 2009 -- 12:34AM, tattwo wrote:


You are absolutely right on this. 100% right!!! We all have issues but I can't be with someone who claims to want to be with me but at the same time scouring the field for other women.




So if you can't be... Then why does he NEED to make the choice? It sounds to my ears like you've made the choice, and as such it is only fare to tell him in no uncertain terms that he is not the one for you so that he can move on, so that he can find the right woman, the right person for him.


Oct 21, 2009 -- 12:34AM, tattwo wrote:

It hurts my feelings but I'm not mad at him



Why aren't you mad? Are you not worthy, not enough to be all that one person needs? Do you not respect your own feelings? Do your wants not matter to you? You know the right man is out there for you ~ but in your mind is the right man going to be willing to share you with another? This guy is in your life and at this point perhaps blocking the right man from asking you out (simply because he is in your life and fun to go out with. Another man might see him as more than what he is?).... You've got a relationship going where you do not wish to go, potentially blocking you from finding the right relationship for you.


Oct 21, 2009 -- 12:34AM, tattwo wrote:

Therefore, he just needs to move out the way and let the right man come in a do what he suppose to do instead of holding onto me for his own selfish reasons. I enjoy spending time with him but would rather spend time with someone that is truly into and is considerate of my feelings.



Almost appears as if you would like for him to be the heavy here. To make the tough choices for you. You appear to know he is not right for you, seems like your words might apply here as well. You need to step aside and let him find Miss Right for him.


 


 

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5 years ago  ::  Oct 23, 2009 - 1:33AM #7
tattwo
Posts: 286

Oct 21, 2009 -- 3:17PM, BeerLover wrote:


Hi Tatt, long time no see. He is going to call or stop by sometime, isn't he? What areyou going to do then? I'm a little confused, it seems you are leaving things open-ended. It seems like you still have to tell him it's over at some point. Or am I missing something.


BeerLover




Hi BL!!! Long time no "see". LOL!! Its confusing because it does seem like I'm leaving things open. I feel that he want leave me a lone unless I stop all communications period. By me talking to him will leave room for him to still think that we're together. I've told him that I the things he has said and does, I'm not cool with and that the relationship is not working. He knows why I dont want to be with him but he don't "understand". Oh well.


Oct 21, 2009 -- 8:20PM, ArnieBeeGut wrote:


It makes perfect sense to only want to be with someone who wants to be with you and isn't also looking for other relationships. Perhaps you are convinced that he will do the right thing and step out of the way so you can move on. You are clear now that you want out of the relationship; perhaps part of you feels that it is not possible for you to do so in such a way that ends it regardless of what he says or does.




He's not going to leave unless I make him. Trying to hold a conversation with him about my feelings is emotionally draining. Some how it always go back to him and his feelings on how my words can either make him sad or happy. So...yeah.


Oct 22, 2009 -- 6:14PM, DAH54 wrote:


can't be... Then why does he NEED to make the choice? It sounds to my ears like you've made the choice, and as such it is only fare to tell him in no uncertain terms that he is not the one for you so that he can move on, so that he can find the right woman, the right person for him.



He doesn't need to make the choice. I guess the point that I was trying to make to him if he's not satisfied with me then leave me alone. I see your point thought because I don't make the decision then he won't leave. Plus, that's too much like doing the right thing. LOL!!!


Oct 22, 2009 -- 6:14PM, DAH54 wrote:



Why aren't you mad? Are you not worthy, not enough to be all that one person needs? Do you not respect your own feelings? Do your wants not matter to you? You know the right man is out there for you ~ but in your mind is the right man going to be willing to share you with another? This guy is in your life and at this point perhaps blocking the right man from asking you out (simply because he is in your life and fun to go out with. Another man might see him as more than what he is?).... You've got a relationship going where you do not wish to go, potentially blocking you from finding the right relationship for you.



Of course I'm worthy enough to be all that one person needs. No doubt. But I feel that I'm not the one for him then there's no need for me to get bent out of shape about. Yes, it hurts my feeling to hear or see negative things come from someone who claims they care about you but do the things that they do. What can I do either stay or move one. When someone tells you they want to meet your friend because her name is pretty and to see if she is pretty too, well the writing is on the wall - that was finality to me. I'm not the one for me - apparently. AND I'm not going to to try and prove to him how wonderful of a person that I'm or jump threw hopes for him to show him that I'm all the woman that he needs. If he can't see that then the hell with him.

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5 years ago  ::  Oct 23, 2009 - 6:07AM #8
DAH54
Posts: 3,318

Oct 23, 2009 -- 1:33AM, tattwo wrote:


.... I'm all the woman that he needs. If he can't see that then the hell with him.




I like the way you are thinking here. There are times within a relationship when one needs to fight for what one believes in, but it seems to me that when one is in the dating phase one should not need to fight to prove their worthiness. Their attractiveness to their date!


For me there is a difference between attraction and lust. When I'm dating I want to find out if I am attracted to my dates core values. If I respect them as a person and value their input into my life. No matter how much I might lust after someone, if I fail to respect them as a person, to value their input into my life long term; the relationship is going nowhere I wish to go.

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4 years ago  ::  Oct 27, 2009 - 7:13PM #9
tattwo
Posts: 286

Oct 23, 2009 -- 6:07AM, DAH54 wrote:


I like the way you are thinking here. There are times within a relationship when one needs to fight for what one believes in, but it seems to me that when one is in the dating phase one should not need to fight to prove their worthiness. Their attractiveness to their date!


For me there is a difference between attraction and lust. When I'm dating I want to find out if I am attracted to my dates core values. If I respect them as a person and value their input into my life. No matter how much I might lust after someone, if I fail to respect them as a person, to value their input into my life long term; the relationship is going nowhere I wish to go.




 


Well I'm not budging. Life is to short to do too much compromising especially when they are not doing any for you. Not to mention when the relationship is in its early stages. If I'm doing all of this now, I'm going to have to keep doing it throughout the relationship. Too me, its not worth it.

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4 years ago  ::  Oct 27, 2009 - 8:30PM #10
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

So your plan is to maintain no communication whatsoever and eventually he will get the point and stop trying.

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