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Switch to Forum Live View Saving sex for marriage, but never getting married?
5 years ago  ::  Oct 07, 2009 - 1:16AM #11
Lovesabattlefield05
Posts: 18

Oct 7, 2009 -- 1:12AM, ArnieBeeGut wrote:


Knowing how you feel, and with intercourse still not happening, maybe you have some idea of what might cause the change you want.


Since he is conflicted about it, perhaps he has been able to express the pros and cons in his thinking so you understand where he is coming from.




i feel like time will cause the change i want. he has told me that he thinks sex would be good especially if he was in love but he likes the idea of waiting and thinks it is wrong to have sex before marriage. but his biggest thing really is that he has waited 21 years and did want it to be special but hes conflicted because he doesnt want to get married. he just like the idea of waiting cuz he has for so long. I just dont know how much time is appropriate. im still waiting for the "we will" or "we wont", then I can determine my next move.


 

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5 years ago  ::  Oct 07, 2009 - 1:28AM #12
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

So you are confident that it will happen in time, but are not sure that you are willing to wait for an indefinite and unspecified amount of time.

Perhaps he has explained why he is so adamantly against the possibility of marrying you at some point in the future.

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5 years ago  ::  Oct 07, 2009 - 1:33AM #13
Lovesabattlefield05
Posts: 18

Oct 7, 2009 -- 1:28AM, ArnieBeeGut wrote:


So you are confident that it will happen in time, but are not sure that you are willing to wait for an indefinite and unspecified amount of time.

Perhaps he has explained why he is so adamantly against the possibility of marrying you at some point in the future.




 


Im not 100% confident it will happen though. Its more of a 75% thing.


hes against it because hes never seen it work with anyone. he feels it is a waste. i asked if hed be with someone forever without marriage and he said he would. he also doesnt want kids. both of these beliefs stem from a bad childhood though. he said he wouldnt want to put anyone thru that cuz he wouldnt know what to do or how to be

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5 years ago  ::  Oct 07, 2009 - 1:41AM #14
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

His parents were divorced then.

He is willing to make a lifelong commitment to you; he's just not willing to call it being married. Something has convinced him that if he were to get married to you it would necessarily to wind up like his parents.

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5 years ago  ::  Oct 07, 2009 - 1:50AM #15
Lovesabattlefield05
Posts: 18

yes it is because of his parents, and others. this may be true about him staying for life, but i also want to have kids. he doesnt. that presents a significant problem.

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5 years ago  ::  Oct 07, 2009 - 1:58AM #16
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Perhaps he is convinced that any children he had would have just as bad a childhood as he did.

Maybe you feel that his attitude will change with time as well, however.

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5 years ago  ::  Oct 07, 2009 - 2:05AM #17
Lovesabattlefield05
Posts: 18

Oct 7, 2009 -- 1:58AM, ArnieBeeGut wrote:


Perhaps he is convinced that any children he had would have just as bad a childhood as he did.

Maybe you feel that his attitude will change with time as well, however.





hes convinced any children he had, he wouldnt know what they want or need. he feels he would put a family thru hard times cuz he wouldnt kno what to do.


he also thinks its a bad world to bring a child up in, which i do agree.


I dont think he will change his mind, I am more convinced that he wont.

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5 years ago  ::  Oct 07, 2009 - 9:55AM #18
Tolerant Sis
Posts: 4,201

I think you must consider that there is some other reason your friend is reluctant to engage in vaginal sex (at 21, that's extremely unusual for a healthy, heterosexual male) and is opposed to marriage as well that goes beyond his stated religious beliefs.


Your friend might be struggling with issues of sexual identity (i.e., he might be gay or bisexual); he might believe he has a calling to the cloister; he might be asexual.


While asexuality is not common, those of us who are asexual are just not interested. We have an extremely low libido. We'd rather scrub the bathroom sink or read the back of a cereal box or mow the lawn.  We see sex as a colossal waste of time and a mess besides.  Many of us go on and make successful marriages and engage in sex with our partners, giving them what they need on a regular basis, just as we would provide any other human need. We may engage in sex for procreation purposes, as I did.  We recognize that the normal human requires sex from time to time and that our condition/affliction is not the norm.  However, we do not make good life partners of people with a high sex drive.  However, many of us want intimacy, in the form of snuggling, back rubs, etc.


I guess, for you, the best thing to do is figure out what is really going on with your friend, and decide if it is something you can or want to live with. Being the partner of an asexual mate is not always a lot of fun.


 

First amendment fan since 1793.
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5 years ago  ::  Oct 07, 2009 - 12:51PM #19
Lovesabattlefield05
Posts: 18

I dont think hes homo or bisexual. weve been friends for quite some time and he knew I was bisexual and always stated he was into females he just doesnt think he should date or have sex. Therefore asexual is more likely than being homosexual. He does get 'horny' sometimes, just not as often as a majority, in his words he 'gets horny but has a lot of self control'.


Sometimes i can tell he is horny, he shows he is physically attracted to me, he does get aroused when we do other things. he just has a lower desire for sex, he says his hormones do scream 'sex' but he chooses to not engage. I do think he has a lower desire than most guys though, but im not sure 'asexual' would describe him either

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5 years ago  ::  Oct 07, 2009 - 4:15PM #20
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Oct 7, 2009 -- 2:05AM, Lovesabattlefield05 wrote:

hes convinced any children he had, he wouldnt know what they want or need. he feels he would put a family thru hard times cuz he wouldnt kno what to do.


Probably because he has not had a good role model for a father. And he doesn't see anyone else who he could emulate to be a good father. Maybe he feels that other men do know what to do. (Hint: most of us don't - or didn't!)

Oct 7, 2009 -- 2:05AM, Lovesabattlefield05 wrote:

he also thinks its a bad world to bring a child up in, which i do agree.


Perhaps you would allow that belief to cause you to choose not to have children yourself.

Oct 7, 2009 -- 2:05AM, Lovesabattlefield05 wrote:

I dont think he will change his mind, I am more convinced that he wont.


So being more confident that the attitude will stay the same, maybe you are figuring out what the next step might look like.

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