Post Reply
Page 1 of 4  •  1 2 3 4 Next
Switch to Forum Live View Saving sex for marriage, but never getting married?
5 years ago  ::  Oct 06, 2009 - 11:05PM #1
Lovesabattlefield05
Posts: 18

Hi everyone Im new here. I want to start by saying my boyfriend and I have only been together a few months, and both of us are christian. Ive had sex before, multiple times with multiple people, but he is a virgin. Ive considered repledging myself but I dont have a true desire to do so because I love having sex in my relationships. We have engaged in everything but actual intercourse(no anal either). I feel bad for the sin I commit but I dont have a deep sense of guilt either. To put it this way, i sleep just fine at night. I feel bad more or less that I commit this sin, and am not consciously saving myself for marriage.


The issue here is, he goes from saying he just wants to save himself for someone he is deeply in love with, to saying he likes the idea of waiting until marriage. However, he does not want to, or plan to, get married in his lifetime. he is content being alone, he says. He never saw a good example of marriage, so he just doesnt believe in it, he says he isnt worried hed be a bad husband, hes more worried about the woman not being good/etc.


I wanted that to change because I didnt want to be in a relationship where theres a definite end. I want to get married someday, I feel 90% sure that I will. I even felt for a short while that maybe he was God's gift to me, but now Im not sure, because of his feelings against marriage. I am actually his first girlfriend because he felt dating was only for marriage, and sex is meant for procreating or for married people. He just decided I was worth being the first one, and since he is 21 he felt it was time for him to try and 'grow up', so to speak. We were friends before we dated and he always said he would never date...but then he fell for me.


He is on 'the fence' about having sex, he doesnt know if he will decide to do it or not. he knows I want to. I do NOT want him feeling any guilt. the last thing I want is for him to do it just because of me, or just because he feels he should since hes not getting married. if he felt any regret, ever, i would feel terrible. I feel as if truly loving him would mean allowing him to keep his virginity and not helping him commit a sin that he cant take back, but at the same time, if he isnt saving himself for marriage, what should he wait for?


Sorry this is so long, but I have a few questions regarding this. 1st being, if he is so sure about not thinking/wanting to get married or have kids, what is the likelihood of that changing in the next few years, if him and I continued to be together and happy? Obviously thats going to be an opinion but still. I dont want him to do anything he doesnt want to either but I cant help but think hed eventually change his mind, considering he did about dating. Then again I dont want to be with him for years, then ask him again about this and he still wont consider it, so i have to breakup with him, making it so much more painful than if i do it soon. But if he doesnt want to get married, is he really having premarital sex? should he just die a virgin? Does that even seem realistic? Or should he justify premarital sex because he doesnt want to get married but is in love?


I would consider not having sex if he would consider marriage someday but he has made it pretty clear that its not something he will consider. if he wont have sex or get married, is there really a good reason to stay? i care about him, but i almost feel it isnt worth it, if I could be looking for 'the one' and engaging in relationships that offer what i truly want. i recognize having sex doesnt equate love, but if it cant last AND i cant have sex, love in itself seems hardly a good enough reason, as terrible as it sounds.


Any opinions would be great. Thanks

Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Oct 07, 2009 - 12:37AM #2
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Welcome to Beliefnet and to this corner of the discussion forums. There are many diverse views here, so you are sure to get much conflicting advice. Naturally, take what feels right and leave the rest!

Although sex is something you enjoy and would like to share, you are no so adamant as to insist on it when he is reluctant. So you are being very respectful of his views even when they are different than your own. (That's a perspective that bodes very well for a long-term relationship btw!)

There are a number of options that you would find completely acceptable. One is remaining semi-celebate and saving intercourse for a marriage that will eventually happen. (btw you are having sex, just not intercourse!).

Another is accepting the fact that there is no wedding in the future, but the two of you are free to enjoy the full monty, so to speak.

The one option that is difficult to accept is the status quo, in which there is no marriage in the future and likelihood of a full sexual relationship.

Since he is clear that he does not want to get married, and also clear that he does not want to have intercourse unless he is married, perhaps you are hoping for a change in him in one of these two areas at some point.

Also, since you are clear that you are interested in a long-term relationship and marriage, perhaps there is some other reason you feel there is a future in this relationship.

Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Oct 07, 2009 - 12:41AM #3
Lovesabattlefield05
Posts: 18

Oct 7, 2009 -- 12:37AM, ArnieBeeGut wrote:



Since he is clear that he does not want to get married, and also clear that he does not want to have intercourse unless he is married, perhaps you are hoping for a change in him in one of these two areas at some point.




 


Yes, i feel like ONE of those has to change. I dont think I could stay if both of those remained unchanged, they logically do not go together in my mind anyways.

Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Oct 07, 2009 - 12:49AM #4
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Something has given you the impression that one of these things will change in him.

Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Oct 07, 2009 - 12:53AM #5
Lovesabattlefield05
Posts: 18

Its safe to say most of it comes from my own beliefs and opinions, though he has said regarding the sex that he feels he will most likely do it with me, so i base part of that opinion on that.


 


edit- i dont believe 99% of people will live their life and die an unmarried virgin. so i figure if it isnt me it will be someone else.

Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Oct 07, 2009 - 12:56AM #6
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

So hearing that gives you some hope that he will relent on staying a virgin regardless of the marriage issue.

Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Oct 07, 2009 - 12:58AM #7
Lovesabattlefield05
Posts: 18

I edited my above post. but yes, i have some hope that i can have at least one of those things. Id accept having to breakup eventually if we could at least enjoy everything a relationship has to offer for now.

Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Oct 07, 2009 - 1:06AM #8
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

You've expressed that to him.

Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Oct 07, 2009 - 1:07AM #9
Lovesabattlefield05
Posts: 18

Is that a question or a statement? he knows how i feel regarding all of these situations

Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Oct 07, 2009 - 1:12AM #10
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Knowing how you feel, and with intercourse still not happening, maybe you have some idea of what might cause the change you want.


Since he is conflicted about it, perhaps he has been able to express the pros and cons in his thinking so you understand where he is coming from.

Quick Reply
Cancel
Page 1 of 4  •  1 2 3 4 Next
 
    Viewing this thread :: 0 registered and 1 guest
    No registered users viewing
    Advertisement

    Beliefnet On Facebook