Hi Littlelost,

My wife started going to Alanon. It ticked me off. But, finally, I realized that her going must mean I better really look at this. After about a year of her in Alanon, I gave up and went into treatment. It's been almost thirty years now. Life is still tough, but there isn't that added element of drugs and alcohol that clouds everything.

Even so, about 15 years after I quit, we separated for six months. But we kept trying. We went to counseling. I remember only one thing, specifically said by a counselor that made an impression--and it was enough. He suggested that we try to remember how we were in the beginning. What drew us together. What about each other did we like/love. We did that, and remembered, and I came home.

I wish you happiness and reconciliation.

Randy 

Randy, it is not at all "too late" and your advice is most welcome and appreciated.

Focusing your attention more on yourself as you are starting to do will lead you to a more comfortable place ultimately. You are the only one you can change - you can't change anyone else. So as much as it is tempting to hope "if only he would … " it is ultimately not in your hands. What you can do is get clear on what is and is not okay with you, and not be willing to accept what is not okay. I believe Al-Anon will help with this. I have found Pia Mellody's books to be very useful in developing and understanding boundaries. Please keep us posted about how you are doing in your new journey. Many blessings!