Hello, I am back from several months ago as I posted my situation back in May when my husband of 14 yrs (together for 20) just separated. During our separation we began seeing a marriage counselor so I was hopeful we might be able to work things out and reconcile. That is not the case as I have filed for divorce - although this is not what I want. Here is my story..

My husband hasn't been living at home for 5 months since May 5th after he got arrested for DUI again (happened several years ago also). I have suspected for a long time over the past 1-2 years he may have been unfaithful to me. He would go out 3-4x times a week staying out until all hours of the night. Coming home at 300a-400a a couple of times a week - well what am I supposed to think. He frequents a "biker" bar which is really not a "good" place to hang out -you know the "party" crowd. Not a place for a husband and father to be at so frequently. I have asked him time and again to not go there and how this will lead to something - placing his attention/energy/efforts into the bar/drinking etc....and not on his family/marriage - well where are his priorities? Anyway, this has been going on for a long time but I finally accused him of being unfaithful (without difinitive proof) last Oct. Things went really downhill then. It got worse with him staying out even more. Then around Dec - he decided he wanted to try more - but still I felt something was going on - woman's intuition you know. Well he did try and did spend a bit more time at home but still could go out till very late a couple times a week. In April I accused him again - and asked him for a divorce. He denied it emphatically. Then after the arrest May 4th - I asked him to leave. Just cannot keep rescuing him anymore. 

Thruout our separation he has been denying any affair/relationship with anyone else. He agreed to go to counseling so I felt there was hope. He actually went to the first 4-5 sessions of counseling. Then he went away for a biker weekend and after he returned from that I noticed a definite difference in him. He would not call me daily anymore (that was part of the marriage counseling advice) he would not want to talk about our relationship or go to more counseling sessions. Then he gets arrested again July 9th and goes to jail for 20 days. He doesn't call me to tell me until a week later - I had no idea where he was. I go to court on the day he gets out July 28 and pick him up, bring him to other jail to get his personal stuff then bring him back to town. Since then again no real effort at wanting to reconcile and still denying anything is going on. He would tell me he loves me and wants to come home but he "doesnt know how" and he would figure it out soon. I just kept hoping -the eternal optimist I am- that he was being honest and just my personal insecurities were creating the feeling he was cheating/lying to me. He agreed to go to a marital counseling retreat weekend Sep 18 - so I really thought we would be able to work things out and he would make his marriage a priority. 

Well on Sep 5 he came over to see the kids (3 children 14, 11, 8) - going to spend the night Sat to Sunday and I was going to leave the house. While he was there he left his phone charging on the counter and left to get pizza. Well I took advantage of the opportunity to confirm or deny my suspicions. I found calls/texts to someone where she called him "Babe" and told him she loved him. He also told her he loved her. Many texts back and forth just showing me he has been in a relationship with her for some time for it to have developed to this point. I was crushed although I expected it. You can feel/suspect it all you want but to see the man you love tell another woman he loves her is devastating.

Anyway, I accused him - he couldn't deny it anymore and he left. He still tried to say he loved me and this "thing" with  her has nothing to do with me but is all about him. What a classic dump  line. I moved all his stuff out and had a large yard sale to sell whatever tools, car parts etcc to make money so I dont lose the house. Oh that's another thing - he hasn't really been giving me money he should but makes sure he pays his tab at the  bar. I believe this girl works as bartender at one of the bars he frequents.  

He wants to live a carefree, fun, no responsibilities life style- he can't live up to expectations, standards and responsibilities that is too much work. Live in the moment. My self esteem has taken a crucial blow I will take a very long time to recover from this. I allowed him to take so much from me and I tolerated behavior I shouldn't have for far too long only to discover what I always suspected to be true.

My greatest fear is that he truly "loves" this new woman and will be happy with her rather then me. How do I move past this pain and go on with life?

Welcome back, and sorry for all that has been happening. Although in one sense it must be a relief to know that you have not been crazy and that your intuition was correct all along. On the other, it hurts terribly to now know for sure. Perhaps you are now realizing that your gut feelings can be better trusted.

Unfortunately you cannot make choices for another - and the ones that have been made are not conducive to building (or rebuilding) a loving relationship.

Hatman has given you some excellent ideas for moving on from this. As painful and difficult as it may be, his advice on not criticizing him to the children is best for them.

Even without the other woman, there has been a long-standing pattern of behavior that you found unacceptable. At some point, you might want to look into what kept you from asserting your needs with regards to the partying in bars, etc. Maybe this is a wake-up call to address your own insecurities, which have kept you from the inherent power you do possess. That may be an even more difficult process than coping with the pain you are now feeling over the irrevocable loss of your marriage.

It is okay to feel sad, it is okay to feel angry - as Hatman said, it helps to feel your feelings deeply. It also helps to get a support network - friends, family, anyone you can turn to for emotional support and with whom you can share what is going on for you.

You are in my prayers.

I believe that there is always hope, and people are capable of remarkable changes. However, the odds may not be in favor of that happening. it is certainly encouraging that there is individual counseling, the track record of coming clean in counseling is not very good either. A counselor cannot fix a person - the individual has to do the difficult inner work themslves. It isn't clear that is the case, although one can only hope. Regardless of what he does or doesn't do, I hope that you take the opportunity to look at yourself and get clear on why there was a willingness to put up with unacceptable behavior for so long. You can't make anyone else's decision for them, least of all a spouse; you can be clear about what is and is not acceptable behavior. Also, looking at your own fears that go back to childhood is very helpful for your being able to move forward regardless of what happens to the marriage. Perhaps in the best case there a chance for reconcilliation may present itself, but even if not, then addressing your own stuff will help.

I wish you all the best in this difficult time. Please keep us posted on how you are doing!

LittleLost-

Well, ONE thing that al-anon will do is provide you with a group of people who have been through(or are GOING through) the same or similar things, themselves.  Another thing would be to teach about co-dependence and enabling, for helping you to understand how you may have contributed to his behavior will help you to stop doing so in the future.

Bottom line is that going couldn't hurt, and could possibly help a great deal.

Warmest regards-

Hatman