Hello all. I am new to this site and I am glad I found it. Hopefully I can get some advice/support out of it all because that is what I am looking for. I am a 30 year old male married to the same woman for 6 years. It is my first marriage and we have been together for a total of 10 years. I met her when I was 20 and we got married when I was 24. Recently there have been some issues that has put a heavy weight on my shoulders and allot of stress in my life. About a month ago, I stumbled upon a check written to a strange loan place as I was reviewing our accounts. Our account was negative on top of it all which is why I was reviewing it to begin with. I called my wife to ask why the account was overdrawn and to ask about the check. That was the beginning of what was to be a long rough road. After talking with her, she had informed me that she had gotten us into allot of debt. She had been addicted to pain pills for two years without me knowing. As it turns out, over the course of two years of taking pain pills, she had taken out several loans and maxed out credit cards to be able to purchase these pills. To the tune of $50,000+. I was shocked. If you knew my wife, you would have been as well as she is the last person I would have imagined to do this. She ended up going to rehab daily without my knowledge for the past few months. She is taking a medication that deters her desire for pain medication which allows for her to attend a daily rehab session as opposed to staying overnight. She did this without telling me because she thought I would be angry and not support her. After learning about what she was doing on a regular basis, I am so glad to still have her here. It could have been much worse. I am proud of her for attending rehab on her own and having the will power to follow through as well. I will say however, I am still upset by the debt as this has turned our lives upside down and created a major problem for us financially. We were even in the process of going to a fertility clinic trying to have a baby but now we cannot do that because we dont have the money. This created a very stressful next few weeks for us. I was trying my best to work on this and forgive her and try to continue our lives together when I was hit with the next major blow from her.

Just last week, as we were heading to South Carolina for a friends wedding on the beach, the night before we were supposed to leave, I stumbled across another major disappointment. For a long time she has been staying up late, away from me, in the garage, with her laptop. I have always made comments to her about this and have always tried to get her to come in and hang out with me. I never would have thought I would have to beg my wife for her attention. But in this one instance, upon going out into the garage to ask her a question, I found her online talking with other guys.  I am not perfect by any means, and admit, I have viewed inappropriate things online before, however, she was on a instant messenger talking directly with guys, most of which were from the same area as we are. One of the biggest problems with this right off the bat was, just a week prior, she said she had to get away and she ended up going to stay at a hotel room in the area. I did not question it at the time because she has been through allot in the past several months. Her Uncle passed away, she had a medical problem that came out of nowhere, and her mother had just been rushed to the hospital with some heart complications. But now, this is raising serious doubts on why she went to a hotel. I immediately went in and deleted her chat profile, and we had a long discussion about it. She said she would not do it anymore. I tried to put this all aside for the trip but, after arriving at our destination, I noticed she had installed the same messenger on her cell phone afterwards, with a message that was sent out to the same guys, telling them what her new profile was. In that same time, I uncovered several other things on her computer. Pictures of herself, a profile on an adult dating site with webcam access, and a profile that read like she was single and was seeking a sexual relationship with others. She has insisted that it was all platonic and it was a "virtual" world that she resorted to because she felt like I didn't think she was attractive anymore and  I wasnt sexually active with her. I was deeply saddened at that point and, I am usually a pretty strong person when it comes to emotions but I broke down at that point crying my heart out to her. I explained my love for her and asked why she continues to hurt me and lie to me and she cried with me, eventually leaving me to think maybe she finally realized what she was doing.

By the end of the trip, at the wedding reception, I noticed her texting allot on her cell phone. Keeping in mind that during our "heart to heart" conversation the night before, she stated she was done with that and she would not reach out to those individuals again. She also stated she would never call them even though they had sent her their phone numbers. As she stepped away from the table and left her phone behind, I picked up her phone and began to look at her texts. Come to find out, she had three numbers saved under her girlfriends names, that ended up being two of the guys she found online and one guy that was her ex boyfriend. She had been texting them all and after looking at the phone records, she had even called them a few times. This was it for me. I quickly got up from the table, and left her behind going back to my hotel room. She had lied to me about her involvement throughout the entire trip and had been talking with other guys the whole time as well, some even while I was right there beside her. I was and still am heartbroken and feel like less of a man because of it. Our marriage is now in shambles and I constantly feel paranoid everytime she used the phone, gets on the computer, or leaves the house. It is like a disease that I cannot seem to shake and I dont know if the feeling will ever go away. To top it all off, her adult dating profile is still set up and she has been on it a couple of times even after we have gotten back from vacation. I am so hurt and lost I do not know what to do. She was and still is the love of my life and she is the last person I would have ever thought would do something like this. I have never believed in divorce and have always prided myself in our marriage compared to that of others but I just dont know if there is anyway around it now. I am hurt, lost, confused, paranoid, angry, sad, depressed, etc. I just need support and prayer at this time. I am sorry for the long post, but there was way too much and it is all relevant to me. Thanks for taking the time to read.

ArnieBeeGut,

Thank you for your response. Just reading what you said helps a little. As far as the reason she was taking pain medication, she started off taking them just for pleasure. However, with that said, she tells me she took them for pleasure and got even deeper into taking them because she did not feel support for anything from me. She tells me I blow her off or don't understand when something is wrong with her. She has really been bothered in the past by my inability to cope with any medical conditions she may have and thinks I do not support her much. I can understand that, but at the same time, now in hindsight, I think in my head, how much of what she always had wrong with her was for pain medication. I may be wrong for thinking that but I can't shake the thought. It is no exaggeration that she was "sick" or had other medical needs for attention way more than the normal person. Keeping that in mind, I always had a gut feeling sometimes there really wasn't anything wrong with her and she was doing it for pain pills. Even though I didn't know that, and I feel completely stupid for not noticing it now, I had the feeling in the back of my mind. She has also stated I havent showed her affection in the past and I'll be the first one to admit, there were times that she came to me wanting a kiss or a hug, or sex even, but I told her I didn't want to because she would smell like heavy cigarette smoke. I have urged her to quit for sometime because she smokes allot. She has told me she will time and time again but never does. It is a major turn off for me to smell a woman that heavily covered in smoke. She knows I feel this way about it but doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to be affectionate then.

As for the fertility, that has been a major blow to both of us. We both wanted a child so bad and cannot seem to have one. We went through several different treatments only to be let down each time. We eventually took time off before our next step in the treatment process but now with the debt we are in, if we stay together, we could resume that process even if we wanted to. Sex became an issue at that point as well as it seemed like more of a job everytime we tried.

We have both been through allot but regardless, I feel I have lost my trust and with the feeling and emotions I now have stuck in my head, and the paranoid feeling I have as well, I don't know that I will ever get that feeling of trust back. Just in the last day or two I have already found myself questioning every move she makes and it's become something I just cant help.

Again, thank you for your response and open heart. She is going to a counselor today that she has been seeing before but this is the first time since all of this. I am going on Monday to see one as well. HOpefully both of these visits will shed some light and bring clarity to our relationship and where we need to go from here.

I hav been married, divorce, remarried, seperated, put in for a divorce just last year to the same man. I feel like I am on a roller coaster. My situation now is, I am still married and his cheating, lies, manipulation has gotten worse. I am 52 and he is too, but he acts like he is 18 years old. Every time I try to divorce him he makes it so hard on me mentally. He even cause me to retired early because he told my employer that I tried to kill him. Which was one hundred percent wrong. Since, I didn't have a job or health insurance I had no alternative but to come back home. Now he hardly stay at home, he is seen openly with this 33 year old women. I have two daughters which is 28, and 29. It is embrassing for them for their father to b carrying on like he has been doing. Someone please write back and give me a peace of mind. I have and continuing to pray for my situations. I also have found out that he is involved with several other women.