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5 years ago  ::  Nov 16, 2009 - 10:45AM #11
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Welcome to the Divorce & Separation Forum, Wvurn, and sorry for the pain of infidelity in your marriage and for the pain of it having ended. You are struggling to come to terms with what happened and to try to create a new and happier life for yourself. Perhaps part of you is missing the closeness that you once had in your marriage, as badly as it ultimately turned out, and are now missing having someone to share yourself with.

You are also confused and hurt by the apparent ease with which your ex has moved on, and can’t help feeling a little resentful. Maybe you would be willing to express what you have been doing to rebuild your life now.

Blessings,
ArnieBeeGut
Beliefnet Community Host
Divorce & Separation

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5 years ago  ::  Nov 18, 2009 - 2:16AM #12
Wvurn
Posts: 5

Thank you for your insight and i can humbly say you are right. i do miss the closeness and I am resentful. But God has been good to me I havea wonderful new family in Christ, a supportive family network, making new friends everyday through NA home group, connecting with old friends I disconnected with, and knowing the Lord loves me regardless of my flaws and I have come to realize it is not my will but HIS! Every dark cloud has a silver lining.

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5 years ago  ::  Nov 18, 2009 - 10:37AM #13
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Despite the pain you have experienced, you are now seeing a way forward and are taking steps on a new path towards more fulfillment. Friends and support, as well as a strong faith will certainly be of so much help, and I am glad you are getting the kind of support you need in your journey.

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5 years ago  ::  Nov 19, 2009 - 5:15PM #14
Wendyness
Posts: 3,012

We are complete in ourselves.  Expecting another to complete you will only lead to unhappiness.  As Christ said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is within YOU". Too many marriages think that dependence is love.  It is not.  When you require another individual for your survival, you are a parasite to that individual.  Learn to survive on your own, and you might find that you attract some incredible human beings along the way.  Enjoy your passions in life, whether it is taking up a new hobby, finding charity work (that is always helpful to ones soul) , and if you have children, your world should revolve around them.  The more you become a whole person the chances are you will attract the same. Learning to love ourselves after divorce or separation is the first step!

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3 years ago  ::  Jul 20, 2011 - 10:53AM #15
jjday10
Posts: 2

I am looking for some advice on being in a relationship with someone who has suffered the hurt of divorce.


My current boyfriend of nearly two years was divorced only a couple of months before we met.  He warned me of his situation on our 2nd date, of all that he had been through in the last year and 1/2 before he met me.


Over time, we really grew close and trusting, but I still feel there are a lot of things he never fully healed from and now, after a lot of time has gone by- some of these things are still on his heart and mind.


I feel that he has grown distant from me, and our relationship is in jeopardy.  He says he doesn't know how he feels- but all of his actions towards me show me how much he cares.  We frequently talk about the future as if we will share it together- but then there are days when he is so far away, I think he might never come back.


He spent some time away for work and has come home somewhat detached from me, and we have spent a lot of time in prayer for each other and our relationship.  I don't know how much space I need to give him to heal... does he need to do this without me?


I love him so much and I would do ANYTHING for him.  I want to keep him in my life, but I want us to be able to sustain our relationship from a place of health.  I am just so lost.  I don't want to live without him... but I also don't want either of us to live in pain.


Prayers, please!

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3 years ago  ::  Jul 20, 2011 - 12:40PM #16
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
jjday-
Prayer is up.

As i have aged, one of the things i have both experienced and observed is that we must learn to live with pain(various degrees thereof) until we die.  "Gettin' old ain't fer sissies." ~Betty Davis

The hurts he has suffered, you cannot heal, just as he cannot heal yours.

The Great Healer can, but perhaps there are lessons that he must still learn from his pain, for pain is a great teacher---better than advice, better than observation, better than hearing of or seeing the experiences of others.

Ordinarily, when people marry or are in a LT committed relationship, they become connected on many levels---"tendrils" of connection, invisible for the most part, but in to each other, all the same.  When a divorce or death occurs, there is a kindof spiritual "tearing" that takes place, which usually leaves deep wounds that take a long time to heal---and even when they do, they leave a scar, a sensitive scar.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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3 years ago  ::  Jul 20, 2011 - 1:15PM #17
jjday10
Posts: 2

Jul 20, 2011 -- 12:40PM, Hatman wrote:

jjday-
Prayer is up.

As i have aged, one of the things i have both experienced and observed is that we must learn to live with pain(various degrees thereof) until we die.  "Gettin' old ain't fer sissies." ~Betty Davis

The hurts he has suffered, you cannot heal, just as he cannot heal yours.

The Great Healer can, but perhaps there are lessons that he must still learn from his pain, for pain is a great teacher---better than advice, better than observation, better than hearing of or seeing the experiences of others.

Ordinarily, when people marry or are in a LT committed relationship, they become connected on many levels---"tendrils" of connection, invisible for the most part, but in to each other, all the same.  When a divorce or death occurs, there is a kindof spiritual "tearing" that takes place, which usually leaves deep wounds that take a long time to heal---and even when they do, they leave a scar, a sensitive scar.

Warmest regards-

Hatman


Thanks, Hatman.


I'm just really lost because there is a huge part of my heart that says "this is the man for you- be patient, stand by him and love him while he does this." But I also don't want to stay and love someone who will never be able to love me back.


He and I entered into this relationship fully believing that God would heal him over time- and that it would draw us closer together.  And we have... we are so close that the mere thought of not being in the other's life brings us immediately to tears.


I keep asking for wisdom and I just get more confused by the day.  I think I hear God's voice saying one thing, but then I also think I hear something else... I just don't know what is real or right anymore.


I know that the desires of my heart are to be with him and for God to heal him so that he can love without limitations.  I just don't know if those two are mutually exclusive...


I will keep praying and waiting on God.

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3 years ago  ::  Jul 20, 2011 - 2:15PM #18
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
jjday-
i asked God for patience, once; He told me i'd have to wait for it!

Then He gave me situations that tested my patience.  After all, one cannot develop an enduring patience if they are never challenged by the rude, uncivilized, or criminal, can one?

"God, give me patience, and give it to me RIGHT NOW!"

Ya see wuttamean?

There is a world full of injured and damaged people; they're seldom easy to get along with at all times.
You knew he was wounded when you started this relationship.  Don't say(figuratively) "I love you just the way you are---now, CHANGE!"  Accept him as he is, or not.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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3 years ago  ::  Jul 21, 2011 - 1:11PM #19
sean1016
Posts: 1

Your situation sounds much like mine. I entered a relationship a year after recovering from a car accident. It took 18 months in and out of hospitals to finally recover--physically. I didn't have counseling while going through the recovery process, though I was told later that I really could have used it. I was in rough shape after leaving the hospital and had trouble getting my life going again. I met the woman who later became my wife, a year after we met, a year after leaving the hospital. We talked about the accident and recovery--she knew all that I had experienced and accepted me as I am. She supported me when I was having a hard time emotionally and got me into counseling--she went with me. Like you, she and I decided that in time I would get better and we would have a healthy and happy life together. The trauma ran deeper than we knew at that time, and the process of therapy was more difficult and very emotionally draining for both of us. Eventually, just 6 months into our marriage, the situation got to be too much. She was deeply depressed and worried that I'd always need therapy--that I'd never get to a place that was what she had expected apparently. I felt that I had made amazing progress and was now in a much better place--and ready for a healthier relationship as we had been working toward. I couldn't get her back though. She had lost faith and wanted to end our marriage. She had believed not long before that we were 'soul mates'. Our divorce is final as of today. I am moving on as best I can but it has been extremely difficult. I am pretty clear that I will always feel the hurt of this loss. We had just begun and now it is over. It was supposed to be forever but that's not how it turned out. She began to have doubts, and that was the beginning of the end. My pain wasn't about losing another person, so that's not the same situation as yours.  I was very detached and needed space to think and deal with memories, that hurt her because she felt shut out. I think we could have made it but she took on more than she really expected and it was too much. I don't blame her and I am not upset with her, I wish I could have done a better job of opening up and including her, which is mostly what she needed. I think you can make your relationship work. My advice: Ask him to tell you what he needs and that it is not about you/he's not upset with you or avoiding you. If he is detached after work on any given day, he should tell you that. It can be stated in just a few words so that you are assured that he knows what is happening and that you do too. He should also tell you that he will be able to talk to you/open up in ? time. Maybe an hour, maybe the next morning. My counselor gave us that advice. You may not be able to realistically put a time limit on his recovery from the pain he feels. Chances are that it will always be there to some extent--it will be up to both of you to decide how to handle that in a way that does not bring down your relationship. In other words, you may need to make room for it. Just remember that you don't want to put a time limit on his improvement or have certain expectations of how he will be in the future. That will strain your relationship a lot. I wish you the best of luck!

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