You pose some very important questions Anesis! Fear is certainly debilitating to any relationship, and trust is the bedrock imo - without trust, there is no relationship.

I think that even without a divorce many come into a relationship with their issues, and it is primarily that personal baggage that results in the majority of relationship problems. Divorce adds to that by being a concrete embodiment of those fears in the pain of the breakup. This is possibly who second and third marriages have statistically even worse chances of lasting than first marriages.

What I think can be done is a person can do their own individual work by acknowledging the role they played in what happened, as well as understanding what was not theirs. Letting go of the past hurts is another important element - whether one wants to call it "forgiveness" or not. There is a saying that goes something like when you've been bitten, every rope looks like a snake. So discerning whether the fear is a snake or a rope could help in recognizing whether it is because of what is happening in the present or is based on the past.

I don't know that one can consciously get rid of fears - like all feelings, fear is what it is. One can separate the feeling from the action consciously - "I feel afraid because I have been hurt before, and I choose to trust now anyway".

Sep 26, 2009 -- 12:22PM, Anesis wrote:

Divorce can bring about a lot of different responses, which can interfere with future relationships. Fear is a big one - the fear of trusting, fear of letting yourself depend on someone again...and a very huge and real fear of mixing homes, lives, finances, etc. Some people fear the pain of woundedness and possible rejection.

The question is how can a person move past those fears so they don't affect whether or not you can step into another relationship? Do those fears continue to resurface  years into the next relationship? Once you know what the specific fears are, what can you actually do to get rid of them?

Train wrecks have to be sifted through for recovery to be effective. I made sure God was the Engineer on my next train and my wife and I are just the passengers. We have had our up's and downs but the same God  - Jesus Christ has kept the ride fun and exhilarating. When I was running the train it would go to fast over the turns, and when she was running it, we lost site of the destination... Forgive, turn it over. Love each other with Jesus help.

I would be shocked if someone who went through a divorce wasn't afraid in future relationships. 

I am now remarried for 3 1/2 years after my 21 year marriage ended with my x leaving for a friend of mine [who he is no longer with....they never do seem to stay with the one they leave you for].  I think the fears that were created during the failed first relationship has helped me to grow in wisdom of how to be more present in this marriage.  In the end, there are no guarantees in life or relationships.  You just need to find the happiness you can and love the ones you are with and never stop loving yourself. :)

Love,

C :)

Thanks Arnie!  I had some REALLY great friends here on Bnet that helped me and you are one of them. :)

~C