I can relate to what you are going through. I am going through a similiar emotional experience right now. Although the circumstances are a bit different, ultimately it comes down to makeing the decision of being authentically happy or mustering through life making yourself become happy...which would be a daily battle. With kids envolved it makes things more complicated. Do you make the decision based on what is better for them or you? Or is that decision one of the same.

I feel that life is short. A person needs to make the best decision for themselves...for their authentic happiness. Yes it is important to consider all ramifications and process everything, but in the end it is yourself that has to live with the decisions made, you will be the one left with the decsions you made for your lifetime. Children grow up and move on with their life. They make their life's decisions as well.  Follow your gut.

Hi, Kwatk. Good for you to think and reflect and try. Marriage is hard to do. Happiness is hard to come by. Done right, both are worthwhile.

Jul 23, 2009 -- 12:18PM, Kwatk1422 wrote:

Should I stay and do my duty; love, honor, cherish, in sickness and in health. Or do I risk making myself truly happy by leaving and potentially finding the soulmate I have always wanted?

This question causes me to wonder whether you're doing them right.

You're not going to become happy by finding your soulmate. It's more likely to go the other way 'round - you find your soulmate because you've become happy. (And it's possible that the soulmate you hope to find will be your wife.)

The first question I'd like to ask you is this: Is your wife making you unhappy? Is she hostile, or uncaring, or unsupportive? Is she making your life worse by her actions, behaviors or attitudes? Is she unwilling or unable to work with you to improve your marriage?

If you can't honestly answer "yes" to one of those questions then I'd strongly urge you not to fix on your partner as the source of your unhappiness. That's unfair to her, and it isn't going to help you. 

I'm not suggesting that you have to stay and make things work with her. I am suggesting that she's not the problem, and replacing her is not the answer. Whether you end up staying with her or leaving, I'm assuming that you don't want to hurt her or the children, and that you don't want to end up unhappier and more frustrated than you are now. I recommend that you change your perspective and stop focusing on your wife and even your relationship as the thing to fix.  Treat her with the respect due to the mother of your children and the affection due to someone you have loved, and work on yourself. It sounds to me like you have some issues to deal with relative to your personal equilibrium, and it's been my experience that you can't really have a deep and successful relationship with anyone else until you've become comfortable and content with yourself.

I don't know enough about your background or situation to suggest whether you'd do better working on yourself while you're with her, or while living separately, but I will tell you that I have rarely seen someone get happier by focusing on improving someone or something outside themselves. I have, however, seen a number of people burn bridges and destroy relationships but assuming that their inner discontent can be healed by someone else.

Best of luck to you,

La

Jul 23, 2009 -- 5:27PM, Kwatk1422 wrote:

You seem a bit upset, and angry because I don't think you read or understood. I have been in counseling for 2 years, so not like we haven't worked at this, and tried, and fought for it. The feeling, which is just a feeling, isn't there. Doesn't make it write or wrong in my humble opinion. So do I play the dutiful husband part out, and stay committed because it is the right thing, or leave in order to truly be and or find hapiness.

Oh, I didn't mean to come off that way.  It's just that, in my experience, leaving to find happiness is usually not the answer.  The answer usually comes in finding the happiness no matter where you are.  The 'feelings' that initially attract you to someone usually don't last, and at some point, you have to decide you are going to create your own happiness where you are at.  I honestly do wish you the best of luck.

I think that you state that you are no longer in love with your wife. But do you love her?

Your marriage has become more about the kids. How much are you involved with the kids?

I am certainly not against divorce. I've been divorced twice myself. I do think that you should give your family a good, fair chance first.

I am on the opposite end where we both took each other for granted ...just got by day to day. He left me for another woman after 18 years and she is now pregnant. Would I still take him back , yes as God would want. Make time for each other, even it is taking a walk and holding hands. Go someplace beautiful and make love where it is just the two of you. Say you love each other every day and hugs and kiss before going to sleep. So many things I wish we had done in the beginning and now I know it is too late. Don't give up without trying everything and most of all keep praying to the man above for answers. They will come to you. God bless and I hope it works out.