Six to 12% is a small percentage. I am quite sure that is smaller than the percentage of children born to cheating males. Heck, you could attribute some of that 6-12% to mentally ill women, as in bipolar. Bipolar women can have sex drives that they cannot contain and that will skew the stats. Another percentage of that 6-12 would be psychopathic women.
In humans, approximately 6-12% of children turn out not to be related to the putative father. Human male testes are of an intermediate size related to their body builds, suggesting only a moderate amount of sperm competition. Humans are not drosophila fruit flies. We are not monogamous, but as a rule, we are not as promiscuous as other species either.
It is interesting to note that in some species, female promiscuousness actually increases their fertility.
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
Yes, we can rise above our animal instincts, but here are those instincts, in a nutshell. We have two completely different reproductive strategies, men and women do. Simple fact of nature, nobody's fault, but how we deal with that fact makes the difference in whether a marriage survives or not.
1. Men have an r reproductive strategy. Their goal is to spread the seed far and wide, and hope that a few of them survive to adulthood. 'r' strategies are low-impact; they do not require a lot of later parenting.
2. Women have an extreme K reproductive strategy. Their goal is to have a few healthy children, and do everything they need to do to get those offspring to adulthood. K strategies are high-impact; they require massive amounts of later parenting.
See the fundamental tension?
In the end, what this boils down to is men want a lot of young, healthy sex partners, which translates to young and pretty sex partners, who will pass on healthy genes to his potential offspring. Women want one sex partner who is stable physically and emotionally and financially, and will stick around until said offspring reach adulthood. She's less concerned with genes than with longevity of the relationship, because having even a couple of very young, helpless offspring is a lot of hard work, and she needs help with that.
Men have to contend with reproductive advantage issues with other men. In other mammalian species, there are fights to the death for reproductive advantage in harim. This results in a lot of tension among males, who typically live very separate lives from other males and, when it is not mating season, with the females and young.
Females of the human species, however, have this little hook, called 'hidden estrus'. It is impossible to know when a female is in season by looking at her, and encourages multiple couplings with the same male over a period of a month or so, so that he can be sure he is the father of any resulting offspring.
Okay then, fast forward to about 10,000 BCE. Civilization happens. It's essential for males to be able to work together for the good or society without killing one another. Society, therefore, establishes certain rules of the road to create a truce in the battle of the sexes. That truce is called 'marriage'. Men who violated the marriage bonds of another were ostracized; women who violated their own marriage bonds were often murdered. A man who is breaking his back to feed half a dozen children wants to know they are his genetic message to the future. It's also important to know in a small society who your actual sisters and brothers are. Yes, very sexist, yes, very nasty. But understandable from an evolutionary perspective. People were expected to respect the marital bonds, both inside and outside of the marriage. Religion was used as a means to control the population to make sure this happened.
Whether marriage was between a single man and a single woman, or between a single man and several women depended on the society. As societies evolved, marriage conferred rights and privileges, and other couples sought those protections as well.
And that is where we are today. There is still a fundamental tension. There is still a two-party system, and there is still a double standard. Society has deemed it less essential for the male to remain faithful, because presumably a child knows who its mother is. Males express sexuality in other venues, including using prostitutes, concubines, mistresses. As long as the male is fulfilling his end of the bargain - that is, supporting the offspring - a woman is less likely to divorce on the grounds of adultery than a male is.
Of course, sex is not all about procreation today, but that is the nature of the double standard and the fundamental war between the sexes.
I read this book when I was going through a divorce. I was not surprised when I read this because I know that for the "His Needs" part this was dead on and why we are now divorced. However I agree with andrewcyrus, these are not needs they are wants. The only thing we need to do is put God at the head of our house. If you read the Bible and follow the direction that God designed, all of these self help books would not be necessary. According to this book, men want "buddies" who look hot! Someone to climb mountains with but who also want to have sex when they reach the top of that mountain. Give me a break, these are not needs, just wants. As for "Her Needs", according to the author, women need someone to take care of us financially, who wouldn't WANT that. I know men who WANT that too. Go back to the Bible, it's the only self-help book ever NEEDED!
My mate and I are well matched in every avenue except sex.
We've been together 27 years, happily.
We have not, however, been intimate in more than 6 years. This is not my choice. I've always been a very sexual woman but he is simply not interested. Cheating is not an option for me morally so the struggle continues.
I've come to accept this though I would wish otherwise. Commitment to marriage trumps "urges".
Couples can be happy without a physical relationship and given our situation I certainly dispute the notion that men are interested in sex and women are interested in affection and shared interests.
If both persons agree to remain together celebacy is not the worst thing.
Myself and the lovly msPj are the exceptional couple, we threw away those stereotypical defintions before we were married. We have no heiarchy, no pecking order. We have what's called a peer marriage! Yes, there is such a thing! It exists today for us because we both believe strongly in equality, between genders, races, ethnicity's, as well as individual people.
Stuck in a marriage that isn't a peer marriage? Sorry to say we dont know of any who've been transformed. We both left marriages that were not suitable to our needs personally, and when we met later and discussed our needs, desires, dreams and wishes. We found that we were a perfect match ( if there is such a thing)! Most importantly we found that we loved married life, but had each found from experience that it must be with the right person!
With no judgement whatever we both acknowlege that people change in the course of a marriage, we both had. But when people change within a marrage they either grow together or apart.
Married life with a person who does not also desire this equality, or who will not come to center for the marriage, is part of a marriage not worth living with . Get out of it and seek what your heart desires, do it now! No matter what the cost!
For all we know this one life is all there is! Perhaps it's not, but we dont really know, do we?
We live married life like it matters above all else! We think and believe it does!
Good Luck! seeking your hearts desire! dusty and msPJ
Ps, Below is the Snake River near Teton National Park, from an early photo journey this year!
Oh what a wonderful topic. I love both of your posts. I'm rather old now and been here and there and never really found it, whatever that means.
Knew someone once that could have been what I've heard called a soul mate but I am married and have never cheated so our friendship remained that way and soon he died. Some said it was from a broken heart. That does haunt me but I could have done nothing.
I'm married to a man that if you tell him what you like or would wish of him...he does the opposite. Been that for all the years we've been married. I just keep my thoughts and wishes to myself these days and just follow. My time will come. I believe that...
