I like to take long, hot baths. In the summer, I run around barefoot and my feet get dirty, which makes the bathtub dirty. My husband cleans it for me, out of love.
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
I think women have evolved, men have not. If you listen to men, read what they rwrite (Read Denis Leary's Why We Suck), you will have plenty of evidence that many, if not most, men do fit those stereotypes. I fit some of it. I like affection, trustworthiness. However, I am financially independent and most women I know are. In fact, I know a lot of women who financially support the men in their lives because the men could not find their niche. I don't have a problem with that. It isn't because the men didn't try. Women who I know succeeded in marriage tend to play by those stereotypical roles. A lot of studies done today confirm those roles and meet the superficial needs that men have.
Supposedly, there are all these exceptions in men. I don't see many of them. No one I know has such an exception. I have dated a couple but in 50 years on the planet, there were only a couple.
Listen to men. Read what they write. See what they do. Believe them. They, really do, mean it. Romance is not a hollywood chick flick.
You will find more variations in women because for the first time in history women have choices. Men have always had choices. They are not going to change much.
I agree that ultimately we have human needs, not male or female needs.
We all want to feel loved and cared for and important to another person. Some people are bigger talkers than others. Some are more interested in sex than others. Some are bigger socializers, but ultimately feeling that someone cares about you is, IMO, an across the board need.
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
If you found a 1966 book shocking, you should try some of the books from the early 1900"s!
while it is true that there are gender differences, my observation is that most of these differences are exaggerated or even plain wrong. I do not believe it is generally true, for example, that sex is more important to men than women, or that conversation is more important to women than men.
The elements of a good relationship are for the most part identical in both men and women, and I believe it is individual differences that cause conflicts rather than generalized gender differences.
Whether something is a want or a need, I believe couples would be better off getting clear about them and then asking for what they want in specific terms. And also be wiling to say no - and to accept if one's partner says no - to be willing to not take any of it personally, and to also explore alternative means of getting one's needs (or wants) met.
Asking if one's partner is content with needs/wants is also a good idea - in fact I'll have to try just that. So thank you!
I think americans are the only nation on earth that has a hard time discerning between needs and wants.
I seemed to have to go through some life changing phases, divorce, unemployment, relocation, to realize exactly what needs are versus wants. Spiritually and emotionally I wanted a mate that had the same love for Jesus that I did. When I found that person we both turned the needy part over to him. His love is the boundaries for our relationship. And we seem to have had more than our needs met.
My wife and I both help each other out. It's a partnership that based on acceptance, love, and faith that comes from God. And when we get into that craving of desires we bounce off of each with love, humor and fun. However to much time spent at the well of craving can lead one to think a want is a need.
God has always provided for me everything I need and the bonus of a few well earned wants. We both need more of God, and less of ourselves. It seems like he revitalizes the need to give and share and that is the essence of love in our relationship.
What I usually think I want isn't always good for me. So I back pedal. What my wife wants is yep more of me and so that cave of self I like to hide out in has it's skull and cross bones on the wall.
I have a book called His Needs, Her Needs. It's from 1986, and I was really floored to open it up and read what the author considers his needs and her needs. The author suggests her needs are affection, conversation, her husband to be a good father, to be able to trust him, and financial support. The author suggests he needs sex, recreational companionship, attractive wife, peace and quiet (domestic support) and admiration.
I nearly fell off my chair when I read this....needless to say I do not think these apply so much to my relationship(s). For example, I've always made my own money, so I don't need him to support me financially.
Are these the needs that you have found apply to your marriage? If not, what needs might there be? Are you aware of your spouse's needs and have you asked if you are meeting them?
