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5 years ago  ::  Jun 19, 2009 - 10:35AM #1
parkin
Posts: 490

A man I met not even a week ago and I are in a very intense rebound relationship.  We both are rebounding :  he just separated from his wife and I just lost my husband.  We spend maybe 70% of our relationship grieving our losses, discussing our desires, regrets, sadness.  We have become instant best friends. 


We talk about love, about living together, marrying.  I don't think either of us thinks this is a sure thing.  We have also discussed that we're both on the rebound and that, by definition, many of these end.  But on the flip side, I've seen statistics that show that rebound relationships aren't any more doomed than any other kind. 


He's beginning to move in -  bringing his underwear over and his toothbrush.  There doesn't seem to be any logical reason why we shouldn't be together as much as possible.  I know that most people say you should avoid rebounds at any cost.  But this feels like the healthiest thing that has happened to me in a long time.  My question :  Can rebound relationships be healthy if both people are rebounding and harbor no illusions?  Thanks!

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5 years ago  ::  Jun 19, 2009 - 1:46PM #2
Cesmom
Posts: 4,638

My husband and I were both fresh out of other long-term relationships when we got together, and we've been married 15 years.  I don't think dating someone on the rebound necessarily spells disaster.  I think where a lot of the concern comes from and why people say that rebounds should be avoided is this -


When you are still (freshly) hurting from the loss of a spouse or other significant relationship, it tends to make you more vulnerable.  People don't always make the best choices when they are in a vulnerable, emotional state.  So, someone who seemed like the perfect partner when you were in your 'rebound' mindset may be seen in a completely different light a few months or a few years down the road. 


I think people advise against getting involved in rebound relationships simply because the emotions of the 'rebound' can cloud your judgment and what kind of person you choose to get involved with.  That doesn't mean it happens that way with everybody.  If you are a strong, self-confident person who is sure of what you want, you will probably choose the right partner whether you are rebounding or not.


Just my thoughts...   

Our need to learn should always outweigh our need to be right

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them.
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5 years ago  ::  Jun 19, 2009 - 2:39PM #3
SatanicStalker
Posts: 719

The problem with rebounds in my mind is that they're not about mutuality, they're about neediness. They're about finding someone convenient to use to cover up your own grief and avoid dealing with your own problems, and they are inherently cruel and unfair to the person you are using. However, if you're both rebounding and happy to use and be used by the other person, then I won't try to stop you. But just be aware, all that pain you are both burying isn't just going to go away, you'll need to deal with it eventually or it will destroy you from the inside. Grieving is a process of healing. 


I was enormously grateful when the man who is now my boyfriend waited a year after the end of his previous relationship before starting one with me (even though I was in love with him the whole time). It was about respect. He respected me enough not to use me in a way that could leave me just as hurt as he was, and to make sure that his interest in me was actually about me, and not his ex. 


~Stalker

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5 years ago  ::  Jun 20, 2009 - 2:17PM #4
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

Parkin-


What those two said.


I agree that it is generally unfair to enter into any kind of relationship from a position of neediness, as one is but using the other---and feelings will be hurt eventually.


I've read somewhere that after one relationship ends, it is usually advisable to wait at LEAST one month for every year of the relationship that just ended before getting into a new one; there's always LOTS of stuff to process from that relationship, lots of baggage, lots of things to reconcile and or acknowledge, both about yourself, and about the other(whether deceased or not) IF one intends to enter another HEALTHY relationship, by which I mean one that is mutually beneficial, uplifting, encouraging, etc.


That said, I'm glad you've found someone you're compatible with, and good communication---especially about stuff that made your last relationship go astray or fail---will be key, as an unacknowledged error serves only to perpetuate the error, and therefore the same or similar patterns will be re-lived.


Seems to work like that; we're here to learn lessons, and those who refuse to learn them in one relationship will have to learn them again, usually in worse circumstances.


Warmest regards-


Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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5 years ago  ::  Jun 20, 2009 - 6:34PM #5
Annmessenger
Posts: 348

Jun 19, 2009 -- 10:35AM, parkin wrote:


A man I met not even a week ago and I are in a very intense rebound relationship. 




Rebound relationships can be healthy.  This is not, however, a good situation.  Discussing marriage with a man you've known for days, and having him move in, is really too fast in any situation.


Underwear and toothbrush; okay.  Dog and winter clothes; no.


Good luck.



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5 years ago  ::  Jun 23, 2009 - 12:32PM #6
appy20
Posts: 10,165

I agree with all that has been said that generally and I do mean "generally" rebound relationships are bad news.  However, I don't think what is general always applies to an individual situation.  One of the advantages of being a grownup is that you can take some risks.  As long as you are willing to accept the consequences. Afterall, it is your life.   After a certain age, risking a heartbreak is not such a great risk.  I would not rush into a marriage but the advantage of living together is that if it fails, then you won't be in for too much hassle. 


My advice, use your gut.  Do listen to your intuition if it warns you about ANYTHING.  Don't talk yourself into this.  Just make sure that it is what YOU want.

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5 years ago  ::  Jun 23, 2009 - 4:54PM #7
parkin
Posts: 490

Thanks Appy for your reply.  I never said anything about marriage - so I'm not sure where Ann got that idea, but you're right :  It may end.  And if it does, it was meant to end and that will be what happens.  It really doesn't scare me so much.  


I figure we're getting a tremendous amount out of each other right now- helping each other through a hard time - and yes - using each other (what relationship doesn't have a little of that, right?) but if we play it right, we'll both end up stronger. 


I'm thinking that the only danger is if one or both people take it too seriously and start over-investing emotionally in its longevity.  We're both pretty honest about it's possible shortness. 


Thanks again for all of your replies! 

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5 years ago  ::  Jun 23, 2009 - 10:57PM #8
tattwo
Posts: 286

Well it seems like both of you are aware of your feelings and emotions. If this is what you both have to do to cope then so be it. Just like the previous posters said make sure you both grieve your previous relationships.

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5 years ago  ::  Jun 24, 2009 - 6:57AM #9
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Parkin-
Overnight, another thought or three occurred to me.
What I have seen happen in some rebound relationships is that the woman, especially, is coming not only from a place of vulnerability and neediness, but also, woundedness.  In her woundedness, she will share deep and intimate details of her life---then later, regret having been so open with him once she's stronger and better, leaving him then for someone healthier.  Someone who does NOT know all those gory details, all that ugly muck.

Or what can happen is that something you thought was shared in confidence and trust comes back to you from a third party, and you find that he's been blabbing your business about town.

(personally, this is one reason why I seldom share anything of that nature with a woman, for it is a rare one that can keep a confidence, that can be trusted to neither tell her girlfriend circle/family or use it against me in a future argument.  In fact, if a woman presses me for some intimate-and-private/secret detail of my life, I will admit to lying to her as a test, to see if that's what happens, that she blabs it around town---as I'm certain to warn her along the lines of "What I'm about to tell you is for you, only.  Never tell anyone else as long as you live," first. If she does betray my trust, she's history.)

Earlier, you wrote:

I never said anything about marriage - so I'm not sure where Ann got that idea


Probably from your OP, where you wrote:

We talk about love, about living together, marrying.


And on careful re-reading, I see that he is just "separated" from his wife.  I suspect that you haven't talked with her yet, or she doesn't know about you.  Have you considered how or if you will respond when she does?  Rest assured, she will, eventually; "chance" meetings between someone who knows them will occur, and gossip will ensue, ala the Proverb "Gossip is like an arrow stuck in the thigh of a fool."

And finally, at the risk of sounding awfully judgmental, adultery is not a great thing to get involved with; Proverbs states that one who engages in it 'destroys himself,' and in another place, says that 'wounds and dishonor will he get, and his disgrace will not be wiped away.'

If I were in your shoes, I think I'd say something like "Cool your jets, there, astro-boy; come back to me when you can show me those signed divorce papers, approved by a judge, and let me check 'em out to make sure they're real."

From my observation, at least 60% of "separated" men go back to their wives within a year.

Warmest regards-

Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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5 years ago  ::  Jun 24, 2009 - 12:43PM #10
appy20
Posts: 10,165

I missed the part about separated.  Okay, I strongly suggest you hold off on moving in.  Wait for a divorce.   I think a marriage, even an ended one, deserves at least that much respect.

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