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5 years ago  ::  Jun 14, 2009 - 2:19AM #1
Bryan
Posts: 1

Hello all, Im a first time poster on these forums.


Im a 23 year old married man and father of a 2 year old son. My wife and I wed at the very young age of 20 while I was in the U.S. Navy, but we were dating seriously since 18. Over these past few years there has been more downs than ups. My biggest problem is that my wife is not shaping up to be the woman that I feel I deserve and need. She is still very immature and has been basically living off me since she finished high school. She's never been able to hold down a job for more than 6 months and she's never had any intrest in school or anything that would advance her as a person, or us as a family.


These were things that I noticed before we were married but I simply excused it as her being young and I figured she would grow out of it. But up to this day she has barely made any progress and we are still living off one income (mine) and its been a source of major stress on me for far too long now. She is still the same mentally, emotionally, and financially as she was years ago and its finally taken its toll on me. I've been patient and trying to work with her and these issues over the years but it just seems hopeless.


At this point I feel like the only thing left for me to do is to separate from her and tell her she needs to get herself together or else Im moving on. I realize that we made the mistake of getting married at a young age, but I do not want to wait 5-10 years and realize that Im with the same woman that Im unhappy with today.


I don't want to call it quits, but I want to separate in hopes that she will shape up into the woman that she needs to be for herself, our son, and me.


Any input and/or advice?

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5 years ago  ::  Jun 14, 2009 - 9:16AM #2
dpatel
Posts: 339

I really think you should try marriage counselling. I hope it all works out for you. God bless you and yours

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5 years ago  ::  Jun 14, 2009 - 9:18AM #3
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

Bryan-


My first question is this:


Is she the mother of the 2-year-old?   If she is, and she's the primary caregiver, then she's worn out.  2-4 year olds have near-inexhaustible energy, and are constantly putting themselves in life-threatening situations---and this takes a major toll, not only physically, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.


Perhaps she simply does not understand or is on-board with your long-term goals.  Maybe she doesn't HAVE any long-term goals---or short term, or mid-term.  Maybe you might ask her what her short-term goals are, and if she has no idea, explain the differences between short, mid-term, and long-term goals.


Maybe the first thing you could do is sit down with her and a budget, and explain things to her---well, after the 2-year old is in bed, that is.  Ask for her input, e.g. "How can this goal be met?"(supposing you were discussing the college fund for the little one, a replacement vehicle, early mortgage payoff, etc.)


The second thing?  Date night.  One night a week, take her out on a date.  Be creative.  Let her plan a few.


I would also suggest a visit to www.retrouvaille.org for their weekend-long course, if you're considering counseling of any kind.


Perhaps she is not seeing that you are quite serious about this issue.  If, after you try conversation and date nights, she's STILL stubbornly uncooperative, you might THEN plan out how you will separate from her, and who will keep the child or other custody/support arrangement.   I expect that 6-8 weeks may suffice to discover whether or not she values you or your paycheck more.  For example, if you leave and hear nothing from her for 2 months(or via proxy), I think it'd be safe to assume that she's no longer interested in being married, and a visit to www.divorcecare.com should be high on the priority list.


Warmest regards-


Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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5 years ago  ::  Jun 14, 2009 - 11:04AM #4
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Bryan,

Welcome to the Divorce & Separation Forum, and sorry for the pain in your marriage that brought you here. There are many caring people here, like Hatman whom you have met, who are happy to give valuable feedback and suggestions, as he has. I can personally vouch for his suggestion of Retrouvaille, for example.

In addition to what he offered, I would suggest that the place to start is with yourself. Did you communicate your expectations to your wife when you were married? Have you discussed this and had a dialogue about what your respective goals and aspirations for the marriage are? Is she on-board (so to speak) with your plans and goals?

When you talk about her "shaping up" it sounds more like a parent to a child, or a commanding officer to a subordinate, not a partner. Adopting this stance towards a person will actually tend to foster less rather than more of what is desired, since she is not your child or subordinate.

If she is the primary caregiver of your small child, you might want to consider the cost of replacing that care in what she brings to the family financially. The results would surprise you.

The key to moving forward is communication and respect, imo. You can work towards establishing a dialogue with her in which both your perspectives are given equal validation. In that way you can start moving towards a common goal.

I wish you all the best.

Blessings,
ArnieBeeGut
Beliefnet Community Host
Divorce & Separation

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