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8 years ago  ::  Jun 25, 2009 - 5:21PM #31
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

I like the saying about how we have 2 ears and only 1 mouth, so it's better to listen twice as much as to speak.


Partly I don't want to know, partly I don't want to disrupt the peace.


So you feel that just raising the question will necessarily lead to an argument or fight.

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8 years ago  ::  Jul 01, 2009 - 3:40PM #32
Lily42
Posts: 22

I have heard that saying and I like it too. I felt that asking him would remind him that he was angry and he would get angry again, but things have been going pretty smoothly for awhile now. I guess we've had 2-3 counseling sessions since then. It's hard to remember how scared I was when I came here. He's not totally turned around because he mentioned when/if we get divorced the other day so I guess it's still in the back of his head, but i asked him about it once and he said it's kind of a joke because "so many people get divorced and he like to know he has a way out if he needs it." But I kind of lean on the serious side so I don't always get his jokes. Anyway we're supposed to, both of us, keep thinking positive things. I wondered if in a weird way I was bringing fights on too by worrying about them coming, sort of attracting negative by thinking negative. So far positive thinking seems to be working.

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8 years ago  ::  Jul 01, 2009 - 4:14PM #33
Hatman
Posts: 9,954
Lily-
Maybe you should start "joking" about cutting off his penis while he's sleeping---and when he objects, say that every time he threatens you with divorce, joking or not, it's sticking a knife in your guts/heart/back, where ever.

Consider not telling him that you're joking until after a week or so has passed; a few sleepless, fitful nights may serve to drive the point home(no pun intended).

I found the following Proverb both curious and instructive:

"Like a madman, who throws firebrands, arrows, and death, is one who deceives his neighbor and says, 'I was only joking!' "

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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8 years ago  ::  Jul 06, 2009 - 10:01AM #34
Lily42
Posts: 22

I like that proverb Hatman, I don't think he would believe me if I tried to fool him like that so there would be no sleepless nights for him there. Thanks for the advice though

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8 years ago  ::  Jul 06, 2009 - 1:47PM #35
Cesmom
Posts: 5,740

Jul 1, 2009 -- 3:40PM, Lily42 wrote:


I have heard that saying and I like it too. I felt that asking him would remind him that he was angry and he would get angry again,



And if being reminded of it is necessary in order to discuss it and get it out in the open and dealt with, then maybe that's not such a bad thing. 


Jul 1, 2009 -- 3:40PM, Lily42 wrote:


but things have been going pretty smoothly for awhile now. I guess we've had 2-3 counseling sessions since then. It's hard to remember how scared I was when I came here.




I hope, for your sake, that this change is genuine and not what is commonly referred to as the 'honeymoon period.'


Jul 1, 2009 -- 3:40PM, Lily42 wrote:


He's not totally turned around because he mentioned when/if we get divorced the other day so I guess it's still in the back of his head, but i asked him about it once and he said it's kind of a joke because "so many people get divorced and he like to know he has a way out if he needs it."




He's not respecting you or your marriage by saying such things.


Jul 1, 2009 -- 3:40PM, Lily42 wrote:


But I kind of lean on the serious side so I don't always get his jokes. Anyway we're supposed to, both of us, keep thinking positive things. I wondered if in a weird way I was bringing fights on too by worrying about them coming, sort of attracting negative by thinking negative. So far positive thinking seems to be working.




I hope you are not blaming yourself for being mis-treated.  I wish you the best in your marriage, but I hope you don't have a 'stay no matter what' mentality.  You need to be able to recognize when it is no longer safe or healthy for you to be there.

Our need to learn should always outweigh our need to be right

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them.
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8 years ago  ::  Jul 06, 2009 - 5:29PM #36
Lily42
Posts: 22

You said you hoped i am not blaming myself for being mistreated, I am just trying to take responsibility for whatever might be happening if there are communication problems, it takes two people to communicate. You're not the first to refer to mistreatment. My counselor after the dish breaking fight talked about shelters where I could go, but I don't feel abused. confused, somtimes scared. not as much recently. He has worked hard to control his temper, he said he was trying to listen to the positive voice, so I think he's working hard.


I realize this sounds like a pretty defensive post, sometimes I feel like he needs that.

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8 years ago  ::  Jul 07, 2009 - 10:07AM #37
Cesmom
Posts: 5,740

I dated a guy once who used to break things and say horrible things to me when he got angry.  If he had been drinking, it was much worse.  He had anger issues that he refused to acknowledge, but I always found a way to justify it.  My biggest justification of his behavior was that, even though it made me very uneasy, he had never been physically abusive.  Manipulative, blaming, controlling...but not physically abusive...until he was.


There seems to be this perception that physical abuse starts gradually and gives you time to recognize it and get out.  That's not always the case.  He was physically abusive once and only once.  That one time was so severe that it almost killed me...it would have killed me if a neighbor hadn't come by to step in.  Looking back, I saw warning signs that he wasn't quite right, but I chose to ignore them until it was almost too late.


It scares me a bit to see you taking responsibility for his behavior.  If you can work things out through better communication, more power to you.  I just think he really needs to take responsibility for the anger issues or the situation could turn out very bad.

Our need to learn should always outweigh our need to be right

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them.
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8 years ago  ::  Jul 07, 2009 - 2:14PM #38
Lily42
Posts: 22

I'm sorry, for what happened to you. I don't know what to watch for and i know they all swear they will never hit. The only thing I know is to have a plan in case it ever gets that ugly, but i don't think it will. He seems to have worked through his rage and toned down his temper.

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8 years ago  ::  Jul 07, 2009 - 3:32PM #39
IreneAdler
Posts: 2,849

 So you are good with his periodic "when/if we get divorced" comments?


To me that smacks of emotional abuse. Now, maybe he does not comprehend how hurtful this statement is to you, and, then again, maybe he does. If so, why does he continue to say it? Would you continue to make a statement that you know hurts his feelings? No, you would not. I would expect him to respect your feelings similarly.


And, if you have not made him aware of how these comments hurt you, might ponder why you cannot have such a discussion.  It is perfectly reasonable to ask a spouse to refrain from certain statements if theyare particularly hurtful. 


Might google “signs of emotional abuse in a relationship”


Irene.

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