I would prefer to be without a relationship than an average one. I do admit that. Part of that is that being alone is not a hardship for me. Therefore, it takes more incentive for me to be with someone. There has to something more than just misery, imperfection and hard work. Staying together for the sake of staying together isn't anything I value anymore because I see too many women who have and would not want what they have.
All that hoop jumping, blame, humiliation that goes into so many relationships isn't enough for me.
I do think you make a valid point. A good observation.
I too agree with the goal of learning and growing.
I am confused about what "ultimate relationship" means. On the one hand, people and relationships will always be imperfect; on the other hand, why wouldn't anyone want their relationship to be as wonderful as possible?
Conflicts are inevitable in most relationships, although they often don't arise until after a "romance" period. What determines whether there is "success" (as in the couple learning, growing, and deepening in intimacy) or a "failure" (the couple engages in a protracted period of bitterness, fighting, or isolation, or even splits up) is largely a function of how effectively they can communicate - and negotiate conflicts to mutually satisfactory outcomes.
What I see after a breakup is more often antipathy towards relationships as a whole rather than unrealistic ideals.
Many times people who have a been through a failed relationship believe that they want to have the ultimate relationship this time, so they can prove to themselves and to the rest of the world they really are somebody. That they are okay. I would like to suggest that you make certain that you have proper expectations regarding the things that can and cannot come from your relationships. Be realistic in recognizing that there's no perfection, and you may not reach that ultimate ideal in your relationships. Then, when you have difficulties, it doesn't mean you've reached the ultimate bottom either, that you have failed.
I would like to suggest that your goal should not be having the ultimate relationship but rather learning to grow together during the hard times.
I agree with your goal.
I don't think that going through a failed relationship necessarily puts you in the mindset of needing to have the 'ultimate relationship.' For me, I believe it was the opposite.
I was in a 5-year relationship before I married my husband, and I was never happy in that relationship. We weren't a very good match in my mind. He was judgmental and jealous and controlling, and I allowed him to chip away at my self-esteem. In addition to all of the things that were 'actually' wrong with him, I created a dozen other problems in my own mind because I didn't feel like that was 'the' relationship for me.
When my husband and I got together, I decided that if this was really what I wanted, I was going to have to be willing to look past some flaws and accept that everything is never going to be perfect in any relationship. I decided to focus on the positive more than the negative. If I hadn't, we certainly wouldn't still be together today.
The perfect man does not exist, and the perfect marriage does not exist. You have to make a concious decision that you're going to work with what you have and make it work. If you're not committed to doing that, even the greatest guy isn't going to look so great after awhile.
“Let go of your attachment to being right, and suddenly your mind is more open. You’re able to benefit from the unique viewpoints of others, without being crippled by your own judgment.” Ralph Marston
Many times people who have a been through a failed relationship believe that they want to have the ultimate relationship this time, so they can prove to themselves and to the rest of the world they really are somebody. That they are okay. I would like to suggest that you make certain that you have proper expectations regarding the things that can and cannot come from your relationships. Be realistic in recognizing that there's no perfection, and you may not reach that ultimate ideal in your relationships. Then, when you have difficulties, it doesn't mean you've reached the ultimate bottom either, that you have failed.
I would like to suggest that your goal should not be having the ultimate relationship but rather learning to grow together during the hard times.
