Jun 2, 2009 -- 8:18AM, Teknmage wrote:

Many times people who have a been through a failed relationship believe that they want to have the ultimate relationship this time, so they can prove to themselves and to the rest of the world they really are somebody. That they are okay. I would like to suggest that you make certain that you have proper expectations regarding the things that can and cannot come from your relationships. Be realistic in recognizing that there's no perfection, and you may not reach that ultimate ideal in your relationships. Then, when you have difficulties, it doesn't mean you've reached the ultimate bottom either, that you have failed.  

I would like to suggest that your goal should not be having the ultimate relationship but rather learning to grow together during the hard times.

I agree with your goal.

I don't think that going through a failed relationship necessarily puts you in the mindset of needing to have the 'ultimate relationship.'  For me, I believe it was the opposite. 

I was in a 5-year relationship before I married my husband, and I was never happy in that relationship.  We weren't a very good match in my mind.  He was judgmental and jealous and controlling, and I allowed him to chip away at my self-esteem.  In addition to all of the things that were 'actually' wrong with him, I created a dozen other problems in my own mind because I didn't feel like that was 'the' relationship for me.

When my husband and I got together, I decided that if this was really what I wanted, I was going to have to be willing to look past some flaws and accept that everything is never going to be perfect in any relationship.  I decided to focus on the positive more than the negative.  If I hadn't, we certainly wouldn't still be together today.

The perfect man does not exist, and the perfect marriage does not exist.  You have to make a concious decision that you're going to work with what you have and make it work.  If you're not committed to doing that, even the greatest guy isn't going to look so great after awhile.

I would prefer to be without a relationship than an average one.  I do admit that.  Part of that is that being alone is not a hardship for me.  Therefore, it takes more incentive for me to be with someone.   There has to something more than just misery, imperfection and hard work.  Staying together for the sake of staying together isn't anything I value anymore because I see too many women who have and would not want what they have. 

All that hoop jumping, blame, humiliation that goes into so many relationships isn't enough for me. 

I do think you make a valid point.   A good observation.

Jun 2, 2009 -- 10:16AM, ArnieBeeGut wrote:

I too agree with the goal of learning and growing.

I am confused about what "ultimate relationship" means. On the one hand, people and relationships will always be imperfect; on the other hand, why wouldn't anyone want their relationship to be as wonderful as possible?

Conflicts are inevitable in most relationships, although they often don't arise until after a "romance" period. What determines whether there is "success" (as in the couple learning, growing, and deepening in intimacy) or a "failure" (the couple engages in a protracted period of bitterness, fighting, or isolation, or even splits up) is largely a function of how effectively they can communicate - and negotiate conflicts to mutually satisfactory outcomes.

What I see after a breakup is more often antipathy towards relationships as a whole rather than unrealistic ideals.

To me, the "ultimate relationship" (which I believe does not exist) would basically be where you envision every single 'perfect' trait you could imagine in a mate, and you actually find a mate who has ALL of those qualities.  

My 'perfect man,' for example, would never act selfishly, would be open and accepting of others, would never be critical, would do romantic little things for me all the time, would be a smart money manager, would be self-disciplined, would have an excellent work ethic, would always set an impecable example as a father and community member, would love all of my friends and family, would be perfectly balanced between wanting to spend time with me and wanting to have some independence, would never get jealous, would always try to see my point of view...etc, etc. 

My point is, the 'perfect man' for me would have qualities that even I don't possess.  It would be unrealistic for me to ever expect to find such a man.  Yet, I think some people truly do have that expectation.  I agree with you that conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, but I think some people go into relationships with the expectation that the 'perfect one' will be void of conflict.

My husband loves & respects me and tries to do things to make me happy.  Any aspects of his personality that I might find annoying or difficult to deal with, like his jealousy and tendency to be overly critical of others, are just part of the package.  We all have flaws.

I don't consider our marriage to be an 'average' relationship.  We have some very extraordinary aspects to our relationship.  Many people would envy what we have.   Still, it has its flaws and challenges.  Every relationship does...at least after you get past the initial infatuation stage.

I don't think there is anything wrong with pursuing the ultimate relationship, as long as you realize that the ultimate relationship isn't a fairytale, but simply healthy.  In order to have a healthy relationship with someone, both partners have to be healthy.  I think after going through a bad relationship, in order to have value, one must be the person they respect.  Not necessarily look for validation from others.  The problem with getting validation from other people is that they can take it away from you so easily, or hold it in front of you like a carrot in front of a mule in order to manipulate you.  It is human nature to rely on others for SOME validation.  We all need it.  But it must be balanced with self validation as well, or else you can be destroyed so easily... or find yourself in a dysfunctional relationship.

I'm not looking for an ultimate relationship just hoping God is with me. More often than not I feel so alone, I want to just get away from this life. I know its wrong to even think like that. Yesterday I was looking at the blogs on Joel Osteen ministries and so many people are hurting that my problem is as small as a mustard seed. Still I have to wonder is this my reward or am I just don't really see God working in me. I will celebrater 32 years of marriage and in this age that is a milestone. I want this growing up to find someone like my wife, not wanting to go down the path my father had with my mother. Both of my brothers have had divorces and I never saw myself there. I am blessed to be married this long but with a marriage comes the negative. I find myself struggling to leave this situation. I have come to realize that my wife has to be in charge. I'm tired of the verbal abuse, the bickering, the complaining of my faults. We all have them but most of us don't see our faults nor do we acknowledge them. We weren't blessed with children but we have alot of nieces and nephews in our family. I had hope she would love me to the end instead I feel nothing. I can't stand be with her and her moods. I know my vows are for better or worse. No one has to remind me of that. I take my vows real serious because of my upbringing. I want to be happy that is all I ask. I want someone who will share, someone who wants to be with me.

The only time I have peace in my life is when I go to sleep. My question is should I stay or call it quits? Over time everyone forgets about those around them. Out of sight out of mind.