I think it just depends on the person doing the cheating. I can take a few of my husband friends that have been unfaithful to their wives, and a few of my friends that have been unfaithful to their husbands. While one guys admitted he made a stupid mistake and felt horrible for it even to the point or crying when he was talking about it another felt no remorse. He said that he was not in love with his wife but would not divorce her because they had 3 kids and well "it's cheaper to keep her". I have a female friend that would never cheat on her husband again but claimed that she felt no remorse because after the incident her and her husband went through counseling and their marriage was better than it was before. She even said that he gave her more attention in all aspects especially physically. She said she cheated because he husband never held, touched or kissed her and rarely wanted to have sex.
Cheating is complex and people do it for different reasons, so I don't think you can throw every cheater in to that once a cheater always category.
Cheating is not always symptomatic of marital woes, but of individual woes that affect the marriage. How strong are you morally? If you are having marital woes it is a moral obligation to communicate with each other and to seek help from a professional if necessary to determine where the dysfunction is coming from. There are plenty of people, men and women who think that there is nothing wrong with them and will blame the spouse for their unhappiness. Seek the truth about yourself first. Looking at our own darkness is a very difficult process and most people won't touch it with a ten foot pole. Our society is very symptomatic of not taking personal responsibility. We want to blame anything or anyone for our problems. There is an old saying "The devil made me do it", and there is a lot of truth in this. Get out of a marriage in an open and honest way before you cheat!!!!! Most of all you hurt yourself for such an immoral act.
I cheated on my first husband with the man who would eventually become my second husband. But I did it only after the marriage was already in poor shape and was intending on ending it. I have been with the second husband now for 8 years, and only recently have I had any desire to go outside my marriage...again a symptom of other problems. I am not saying that I will cheat, only that it has occurred to me that I might be less lonely if I was with someone else. I am also not certain that he is being faithful.
I don't think that cheating is the cause of problems in marriages. I think that it is a symptom of problems that existed long before the cheating. I'm not saying people who cheat will always cheat, but it is likely that until they find other ways to address their marital woes, that cheating will give them the quick emotional or physical fix that has been lacking.
Once is all it takes to label you a cheater. However, I do believe you can become a reformed cheater. Being a reformed cheater is not an easy task, it requires you to face your own dark nature, and moral weakness. It also requires you to be able to FEEL how much pain and suffering you have caused your spouse by your emotional/ sexual affair. It brings harm to everyone involved. Nothing good comes from being immoral.
I have never seen a guy who was remorseful until he got caught. That could just be the guys I have known but that is true. Their consciences were not bothering them until they got caught.
IMHO, if the issues, problems, unresolved conflicts etc. are not addressed, or if the person is not truly remorseful about their actions, but is just sorry they got caught, then yes, the pattern is there, and I would bet even money on it happening again. It all depends on the individual, and how "hooked" they are on this destructive pattern.
“The Law of the Church is to give oneself to what is given not to seek one’s own.” Fr. Alexander Schmemann
I have never known a cheater to settle down. There may be a bit of time before he works up to cheating again but he always does. It is irrelevant anyway because even if they did not cheat again, their integrity would be shot with me and that matters a lot to me.
I have only known a few women who cheat and they had so many problems that that cheating was the least of them. In short, they were major losers often with profound personality disorders. That is just my experience, though.
I think the saying is only that -- a saying. As many people have proven, just because you cheat once, or even a dozen times, it doesn't mean you WILL cheat again.
It comes down to where people are in their lives. If you're the sort of person that doesn't mind taking the risks associated with betraying the trust of your spouse, you'll probably cheat repeatedly, even if you nearly get caught a few times. On the other hand, someone might cheat once or twice because they're in a relationship where they're not being fulfilled, and once they're in a better relationship, or they just become honest with themselves, they'll never cheat again.
That's a good point! I'm reading Steve Harvey's book, " Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man". He listed to the top main reasons why me cheat: Because he can, he doesn't think he'll get caught, or he's where he wants to be in his life or not with the person he wants to be with - he settled.
I know some men that were out therw. I thought the would never settle down or be faithful. Until the found that one woman who changed all of that! So I guess, IMO, it depends on the individual.
I think the saying is only that -- a saying. As many people have proven, just because you cheat once, or even a dozen times, it doesn't mean you WILL cheat again.
It comes down to where people are in their lives. If you're the sort of person that doesn't mind taking the risks associated with betraying the trust of your spouse, you'll probably cheat repeatedly, even if you nearly get caught a few times. On the other hand, someone might cheat once or twice because they're in a relationship where they're not being fulfilled, and once they're in a better relationship, or they just become honest with themselves, they'll never cheat again.
Oh, no study that I respect has ever been less than 67%. I have seen as high as 85%. That is genetics. There are physiological things that are as high as 100%. For instance, according to the author of Columbine who was quoting the leading FBI forensic psychologist at the time, EEGS of psychopath are 100% of the time are like one another but radically different from the rest of humanity. PBS quoted a study once in which serial killers' brain architecture is alike 85%. Some researchers believe that 70% of obesity is genetic. Brain architecture is genetic. Those are examples of complex behaviors but not related to this thread.
I believe that some, but very few, individuals can overcome a strong physiological propensity for a behavior but that the work involved is extremely difficult. I would prefer dating someone without the biological propensity even if he could will himself into another behavior.
Once they passed the biology of it, their actual personalities, characters, etc. would come into play. If they still proved themselves to be liars or they engaged in other bad behavior, I would weed them out too.
I would just love to have the starting point to eliminate those most likely to have physiological disadvantages.
