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Switch to Forum Live View Is it true,"once a cheater, always a cheater"?
5 years ago  ::  May 04, 2009 - 10:51AM #1
tattwo
Posts: 286

This is just a general question. I'm not in a relationship but I was just curious about this.


Anyway, does it depends on that person, situation, are is it in that person nature to be a cheater?

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5 years ago  ::  May 04, 2009 - 12:03PM #2
Cesmom
Posts: 4,750

I don't think everyone who cheats falls into that category.  I think there are situations where people do things that are not generally in their nature to do, for whatever reason.  That's not to say it isn't wrong, but I wouldn't label them all for life because of it.


I do think there are some people who are completely incapable or unwilling to be or stay faithful to one other person.  There are people who will always be cheaters, no matter who they are with. 


I guess the million dollar question is, how do you recognize them before you get into a relationship with them, right?  If you could figure that out, I'm sure you'd have a best seller on your hands :p.

Our need to learn should always outweigh our need to be right

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them.
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5 years ago  ::  May 04, 2009 - 1:49PM #3
appy20
Posts: 10,165

I believe (but do not know for sure) that most people who will cheat once will find it easier to cheat twice.  I do think that they will get better at it and not get caught the second time.  However, I do think there may be a few instances where it is a one time deal but I believe they are rare.


I would never date a guy who had a history of cheating.  Even if they are not a repeat offender.  I just think the character issue is too much to overcome.  Bad boys never appealed to me.

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5 years ago  ::  May 05, 2009 - 6:59PM #4
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

May 4, 2009 -- 10:51AM, tattwo wrote:

This is just a general question. I'm not in a relationship but I was just curious about this.


Anyway, does it depends on that person, situation, are is it in that person nature to be a cheater?


It's very difficult to generalize and be completely accurate, so in answer to the question "If someone cheats, will he/she ALWAYS be a cheater," I say, "It depends."

Both ime and from my observation, most people, when they find a course of action that "works" for them, that they have defined as "success," tend to continue that behavior until it no longer gets them what they want.  So if someone cheats on you(after you first define just what "cheating" IS to you, and he understands your point of view, and agrees with it), then if he's forgiven too fast, I expect he'd do it again, simply because this may have been his life-pattern.  The consequences for bad behavior---if you want it to stop---must be as close as possible to immediate, and must also be painful.  The idiot drunk who goes and pees on an electric fence is EXTREMELY unlikely to do so again---not without at least checking to see if that fence is live, first.  So if peeing on an electric fence can fairly be compared to cheating, and the one who's caught at it is made to suffer some major consequences, then it's likely that this one can change---for they have seen and felt the consequences of screwing up.

However, if the two of you have NOT agreed on what "cheating" is, and you decide to punish him severely for, say, having a friendly flirt with the checkout gal, for example, and HE's certain that no cheating takes place until his penis enters the other woman, then you've got a problem that will probably escalate into a fight and a breakup.

Now, from both my experience and observation, quite a few women love drama(do men buy "Cosmo"?  do men record and watch soap operas?  No?  Who does?  Find out what someone loves, and you'll have a key to understanding them), and if there ain't none, they'll make some up.  Just be sure that if your mouth writes a check, your behind is ready to cash it.  For example, I always tell the women I date that I've never hit a woman, but in the instant she thinks she's man enough to THROW a punch, in that same instant, she becomes man enough to TAKE one.

Because I made that point clear from jump street, I have remained free of having to smack any woman in retaliation.

So far.  I ain't dead yet, and I ain't stopped dating.

Warmest regards-

Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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5 years ago  ::  May 06, 2009 - 3:52PM #5
appy20
Posts: 10,165

There was a news report some time ago about a study that had mapped genes that incline a woman to infidelity.  Thus far, I have not read of anything involving men that specific but there is a study that shows that adopted males  tend to match their biological parents in terms of fidelity more than their adoptive parents.  I believe there are a whole host of biological influences that can predispose someone toward cheating.  I think that if a woman who wants monogamy is smart, she will not only look at her mate's record of fidelity but also his father's.  If I were dating now, I would never date a guy whose father was unfaithful to his wife.  That way, I would be erring on the side of biology.


One day there might be a test.  I wish there were.  People could be tested before marriage as they are for STDs.  The test may not be 100% but if it could predict 75%, I would be happy.

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5 years ago  ::  May 06, 2009 - 5:30PM #6
SatanicStalker
Posts: 719


I'd be careful about the genetic markers. Even when statistically significant, they come no where near predicting things with as high as 75% accuracy. A 30% correlation is considered quite strong for a genetic behavioral trait. 


My boyfriend told me once that he was breaking his own rules to be with me, since he told himself that he'd never date anyone whose parents were divorced. Even more than that, I'm a bastard: my mother was married to someone other than my biological father when I was conceived. I may be young yet but I have absolutely no desire to ever cheat, and I am very happy in my monogamous relationship of 5 years. 


As to the original question, I don't know. My mother had a problem with it years ago, but she's now married again and I'm as sure as a daughter can be that she has never cheated on her current husband. Of course, he's the first one to really treat her right, so that might be a factor too. 


~Stalker


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5 years ago  ::  May 07, 2009 - 8:12AM #7
REteach
Posts: 14,559

If you tell a friend "Yes, you look nice in your new dress" and she doesn't, does that mean you are a liar and will lie under all circumstances?

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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5 years ago  ::  May 07, 2009 - 8:48AM #8
appy20
Posts: 10,165

That is not true of genetic markers.  Some are much, much higher than that.  They do tend to peak at 85% though.  I would much prefer trusting a genetic marker than a guy's word on the matter.


Good try, Reteach, LOL.  That is like comparing speeding to murder.  Very different things.  A white lie told to spare someone's feelings is very different from having sex with a person other than one's spouse.  The very biology of it is different.   People don't have biological compulsions fueling a white lie to spare someone's feelings.  A white lie is more comparable to mild flirting and not complete betrayal of one's spouse.  Now, a person who lies to cover up fraud might be more comparable to cheating on one's spouse for often the two go together.  At least the news worthy ones seem to.

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5 years ago  ::  May 07, 2009 - 8:53AM #9
appy20
Posts: 10,165

By the way, I am very good at detecting cheater's in real life.  I have yet to be wrong when I have warned a friend about a potential mate's propensity for cheating. I can only do it in real life though, I have to see body language and know some things about a person.

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5 years ago  ::  May 07, 2009 - 1:26PM #10
REteach
Posts: 14,559

Shrug.


My husband cheated once.  He never cheated again.  Clearly, once a cheater, always a cheater stands disproved.


Regarding genes, humans have relatively few imprinted genes, meaning generally less sperm competetion.  In some species promiscuity increases fertility, so it is difficult to extrapolate from the genetic findings of some species to humans. Approximately 15% of individuals tested genetically find their father was not the putative father, which I suppose says something about the cheating rates in human women anyway.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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