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Switch to Forum Live View Need help moving on
5 years ago  ::  Apr 22, 2009 - 8:27PM #1
runnergirl10
Posts: 1

About 6 months ago, my husband of 5 years confessed to me that he had fallen in love with another woman. This woman had been a friend of his for the past 2 years while he was in school puruing his master's degree. Currently he is living with her in her apartment while I still reside in the marital home. At this point, and we are nearing the end of the divorce process and things should be finalized soon. I am trying my best to move on, but am finding it hard to do and could use some advice on how to detach myself from the past.


My husband and I met back in college. We faced a lot of challenges together and got through them all successfully. We were a good team and a good match for one another. We not only thought this, but all of our friends and family thought it too. So many people were shocked when they heard we were getting a divorce, even his own mother couldn't understand. I can't tell you how many of them said they thought we were one of the few couples that they forsaw actually staying together forever. We overcame distance for almost 3 years and did everything we could to remain connected. We survived him going to war for a year and I struggled with the fears of never seeing him again. We stayed faithful to one another through everything and in situations where it would have been easy to stray. Yet we never did. We survived injuries, surgeries and changing lifestyles. We survived moving a ton of times, buying 2 homes, 2 cars, 2 dogs and even living with my parents for a little while. We endured deaths in the family and going back to school. You name it, we dealt with it and came out of it even stronger than we were before. Until now.


Then one day, he tells me that he had been feeling disconnected from me. At the time, we were both very busy. He was in school pursuing his master's degree and studying for the CPA exam, and I was working and coaching soccer along with attending classes to prepare for nursing school which I was going to pursue once he was done with his degree. We talked about it and we felt it was because of how hectic our schedules were.  He said that once he started working, things would calm down and even out a bit. So we agreed to set aside more time for one another. So we did. After a while, I even asked him if he had felt any better about things and he said he did. So time went on and for the most part, he acted the same as he usually did. However, during the last 3 months we were together I started noticing some slight changes, but nothing extreme. He was friends with a group of guys and one girl. This girl was in all the same classes as he was, was in the same honor society and got hired at the same company as him. So she was always around, even when the group went out on the weekends. So I got to know her, and in a way, I befriended her. She had just broken up with her boyfriend of 5 years and was feeling down about that and stressed out about her job. So I offered to go running with her to help her take her mind off of things. Overall, I never felt threatened by her and the relationship they had seemed platonic to me. She didn't have many female friends, so she talked to my husband. I trusted him however, and knew that things wouldn't get out of hand. You see, he and I had many friends of the opposite sex, and we were both used to trusting one another in those situations. But as time went on, they spent more and more time together, began emailing more and things got awkward. I had many discussions with my husband about this and he always denied that anything was going on. He thought of her as a sister and she thought of him as a brother, etc. They never did anything obvious, so I chose to continue to trust him. However, very soon after, things exploded.


They had fallen in love and he finally admitted it to me. The guilt was so heavy that when he told me, he broke down in a way I had never seen him break down before. My husband doesn't cry and he was crying uncontrollably. He said he had made the biggest mistake of his life and that he didn't mean for it all to happen. He swore he never did anything physical with her either. He said he wanted us to work again and that he would spend the rest of his life making this up to me. He promised to end the relationship with her and simply hoped I would forgive him but would understand if I didn't. I was devastated. My whole life caved in for a moment. I couldn't breath. I was beyond upset. I sat there and thought about it all and after hours of crying and asking him what the **** happened, I decided that I didn't want to throw everything we had worked for in this marriage away if he was still wanting to make us work. Deep down I thought maybe he would learn from this and that it would make him an even better husband. Problems come up in life, and you work through them. That is what I believed and I thought that if we could get through all of the stuff we got through in the past, we could get through this. So he broke things off with her and devoted himself to making our marriage work. However, you can't just forget about someone you "love." So he moped around for a week and I knew why. He was severely confused and I was severely frustrated. One week went by and he came home from work and told me he couldn't do it anymore. He said he couldn't stop thinking about her and he felt he she was better for him. He said he had felt disconnected from me for about a year and that he had just fallen out of love with me. He said it wasn't fair to me for him to stay, seeing he loved someone else. He then asked for a divorce and left that night to move in with her. It was like a kick in the face. I was left with so many questions and that night I have never yelled, screamed and cussed so much before in my life. One thing I will always remember is me asking him, "What made you feel so disconnected from me?" He replied, "I don't know, I just felt that way." He has no real reason for leaving other than it felt better with her. We never had any deep rooted issues or history of abuse. No one disrespected one another and by all accounts, we were very compatible. There is no good reason for why he left, other than he was selfish and thought he could have something better than what he already had. That is what I believe.


How does this happen? Why does this happen? Is there any legitimacy to why he left? Can people just "fall out of love" with one another? When I got married, I remembered the part about "for better or for worse, till death do us part." Our friends think he is crazy, literally, and don't understand it either. It was a like a head on car collision. I saw it coming for a second and had no time to get out of the way. He hid his true feelings from me for so long and made everything seem like it was OK. He fooled everyone. And why? Because he was too afraid to face the truth. He was too weak to stop a relationship he knew deep down was inappropriate in the beginning and ended up getting caught up in it. By the time it became a problem and I found out the extend of his feelings, it was too late. We didn't even have a chance to seek help or try to make things better. That is what upsets me the most, is that he just threw away a relationship of 8 years that we worked so hard to build. He gave us a week. What a slap in the face.


Now I am here trying to put my life back together. I know I need to move on yet I know I need to grieve. I am still very much hurt and trying to cope with this as best as I can. It's difficult to forget all the good times we had together. Especially since the majority of memories were so good. I just don't understand how this can happen. And despite knowing that I am better off without someone who treats me and the relationship we built with such little respect, I still have trouble letting go. How can he go on and be so blissfully happy with her while I sit here in pain? How is that fair? He says he is more balanced now and that he learned that he needs to be open with his feelings. I am so glad I was his guinnea pig for 8 years and that she gets to reap the benefits of my heartache. This seems monumentally unfair.


Please, any advice would be appreciated...

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5 years ago  ::  Apr 23, 2009 - 6:55PM #2
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

runnergirl-


I'm so sorry that this has happened, and that you have been so betrayed.


Yes, sometimes people just do fall out of love, and it's not fair; one of the brothers of a childhood friend had this happen to him.  The woman he fell in love with, married, and had 3 children with just suddenly dumped all the children on him and left without explanation after 12 years of marriage.  At least you got an explanation, lame as it was.


But this has been my observation.


The straying spouse, within a years time, will find out that the grass WAS greener---over the septic tank.  Then he'll want to come back, with apologies and "I was confused," etc.


I think that you should pray for the best, but prepare for the worst.


For the latter consideration, you may wish to visit www.divorcecare.com, then go there with all your questions.  If he's amenable to an arbitrator to divide the marital assets/debts, this is far less expensive than divorce attorneys---but I have seen that once some sober reflection takes place, his initial guilt may well morph into greed---depends on his character and the character of the new character in his life.  Take photographs/video of all your assets, including bankbooks, titles, deeds, insurance(s), stocks, etc.   Be certain to separate out all the things acquired before your marriage, or were inherited, etc., as these(in most states) are NOT considered to be marital property.  Cancel all joint bank cards/credit cards asap; open new accounts in your own name only.


I know that it will be very tempting to hate her, but for the sake of your own soul and sanity, do your best to avoid that trap, as soon as you can.


If you feel that you need a professional to talk to, by all means do so; sometimes it really helps to have great counsel on how to mend after such a deep wound.


From my observation, it seems that married couples send figurative roots into one another, and when one takes his or her leave, it's like ripping out those roots, leaving a gaping wound.  That the wound is unseen does not mean it does not exist, and neither will it heal anytime soon; as you may already know, deep wounds take a LONG time to heal, are easily re-opened, and when they begin to truly heal, itch---then scar.  Even the scars remain sensitive for quite a while, too.


So be gentle with yourself, and if screaming and beating things will help, do that(preferably in a gym or a lonely place), and if crying and mourning helps, do that, too.  See your friends and family as soon as you are able, and accept their comfort, even if their words are not always what you need or want to hear. 


I'll stop now, as I feel some platitudes and lame assurances coming on, and I don't want to minimize your pain in the slightest at the present; it just plain hurts, is all, and there probably are no words that can ease that or comfort you much, if any.


Warmest regards-


Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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5 years ago  ::  Apr 25, 2009 - 9:55AM #3
Grace & Hope
Posts: 2

I am sorry you are going through this divorce, but let me share my thoughts and expierence;


I divorced my husband and father of our two kids, five years ago.  While we were attending college he met someone else, she was and still is married to another man.


My ex-husband returned, or actually we allowed him to return into our lives, but things were not the same.  Unbeknowed to me, he had been seening this other woman on and off for the past two years.  We did not "live" in the same household, but there were many weekends, and holidays he stayed in my home.  Our children wanted to have a "normal" household and I thought I was doing the best I could to provide one.


Three weeks ago, I found out the "truth" about him and his ongoing affair.  His actions and lifestyle has affected our kids most of all, my daughter is 13, and our son just turned 8. Not only have I placed myself in an unfair relationship, but the children have had difficulty, in accepting this too.


My children and I have been seeing a family therapist, to which he only went once.  It was my teenage daugher's request; "Please don't allow him back into our home, because every time he walks away, we are left behind to pick up the pieces." She made this statement while meeting with the therapist in private.  When my ex-husband found out, he decided it was best to return to be with her, of course not at her home, he lives with his mother.


I have changed my cell number, so that they do not contact me.  He is their father, but I have also asked him, to keep her away from our children.  This woman was more of a fatal attraction, but it takes two.  He has my daughter's phone number and has only called them a couple of times during the last three weeks.


I am trying to forgive them, and have been praying. It does no good to dwell in the pain, or ask "why."  See we are expecting a rational answer for irrational behavor, and they don't have one.  I know it hurts, it did hurt more the first time, and I thought I was doing the best thing, to let him go.  My mistake was to allow him back into our lives, he did not deserve a second chance.  The good thing is we are not married, but the scars will take longer to heal now on our kids.  Our actions have a lasting affect on our kids, we are their role models, they will have a harder time understanding what a "healthy relationship" really is.


Forgiveness, is not accepting that what they did was right, but it's so that we don't allow their selfish actions to hurt us.  Deep inside our hearts, we know we tried, we cared, but we can't make others feel the same.  If prayer alone does not help you, please seek proffesional help. You need to focus your time and energy on YOU now, don't worry about him or if he feels sorry.  Your life together was real, and YOU are worthy of love.  If your husband changes his mind, and want to return to you, it would be best to seek marriage counseling together before you accept back.


GOD does not want us to be unhappy, please believe that in your Heart.  May God bless you and your family.

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5 years ago  ::  Apr 26, 2009 - 1:04PM #4
dpatel
Posts: 339

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I pray to God that things get better for you. God bless (((hugs)))

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5 years ago  ::  May 01, 2009 - 10:20PM #5
fun4havin
Posts: 4

I know you will hear this a million times but it does get easier.  I had almost the same exact situation happen to me.  I've been divorced for 3 year and still have those feeling somedays, but they are fewer and far between.


 


I used the divorce care and it was a blessing. 


God Bless


 


 

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5 years ago  ::  May 27, 2009 - 7:16PM #6
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

runnergirl10,

A belated welcome to the Divorce & Separation Forum. I ma so sorry ffor the pain you have been experiencing, and pray that you are able to grieve the loss of your marriage in a way that leaves you in a healthy place. Right now it is still too fresh and raw to even think about that however, and I believe you will be best served by addressing your feelings of hurt and sadness without judgment or trying to "move on" before you are truly ready.

You have received very good advice already, and I don't have much to add to what has been already said. I do hope you keep us updated as to your situation. In the meantime, you are in my prayers.

Blessings,
ArnieBeeGut
Beliefnet Community Host
Divorce & Separation

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