|7 years ago :: Dec 16, 2008 - 4:39PM #1|
As a host I have read many post here. Over the years I have seen some common patterns in failing relationships...
1) Self deception: We lie to ourselves... Often the lie is divorce is not an option, or a form of this concept. We believe we have no choice, no option. In powerlessness we find the power to enable us to remain were we are, hurting & hurting others.
2) Selfishness, it seems like all hurting relationships involve selfishness. And selfishness breeds selfishness. I believe in ideals, and I think the ideal relationships involves a willingness to put my partner first, when that is reciprocated by my partner we have a strong marriage/relationship. It's when I start to put myself first that my actions take a toll on our relationship. In this world with all the advertisement we are exposed to daily it is so easy to slide into a mindset were I am putting myself first, were I am embracing my wants, my desires. This often forces my partner to put herself first, and this starts a downward spiral. Healthy relationships are not based on putting one’s self first, on using your partner to fulfill your own wants and desires.
3) Communication: So often this is another key. One partner decides they no longer need to communicate. Perhaps they feel their partner should simply "know" (read their mind). Perhaps they just assume their partners "knows" (based on your actions) and that they don't need to tell them. (Something I am way to often guilty of by the way). Perhaps the relationship has been hurting for far too long and they have reach the point where they now believe they "know" what their partner is thinking or feeling... At some point during the course of your busiest day you have time to drop your partner a note, telling them they matter to you. That you are thinking of them. That they are important to you. When was the last time you did that? In my experience in happy relationships the answer is in hours, not days, weeks, months, or years...
4) Scoring: Happy and healthy relationships are not based on scoring. It’s not about being personally right, one partner does not win, and the other lose. If your relationship is about being right about winning and losing chances are very good it’s already over and you just aren’t aware of it. You only win when your partner wins, more important is your relationship only wins when you both win.
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