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Switch to Forum Live View Yet Another Letdown
6 years ago  ::  Feb 16, 2009 - 7:20PM #1
PirateJohn
Posts: 408
Last night I went on my first date since last July.  I met her on chemistry.com and when we got together I thought she was a fantastic woman -- beautiful, intelligent, interesting.  Exactly the type of woman I want.

But as is always the case I get the call this morning -- She just didn't feel a "click."  I'm sick of it all.  What the hell is so goddamned wrong with me that here I am, 34, and never even gotten past a second date with a woman?  I'm frustrated as hell and I just don't know what to do about it.  It's getting harder and harder to get back up on that horse.  I wouldn't even mind the constant rejection if I just knew what it was like just once *not* to be.
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 16, 2009 - 7:33PM #2
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
PJ-

Exactly the type of woman I want.


First, sorry for your frustration; know how it goes.

Second, see the quoted phrase above.  You may have either consciously or unconsiously communicated "neediness" by showing her how much you wanted her, either verbally or by the way you looked at her, your topics of conversation, etc..

Paradoxically, if you want a woman to want you, you need to(at first) show them your ambivalence about anything except maybe having some fun together, giving the not-necessarily-true impression that if she's NOT fun, it's sayonara.  IOW, YOUR choice, NOT HERS.

But you probably know all this far better than I do, so I'll just commiserate; sorry 'bout that.  I wish women were easier to understand and deal with, but sometimes they just ain't.

Keep on pluggin' away; do a "post analysis," and see where you could've done better, maybe with some of the buds you made on the scene.

I've had a few first date disasters, myself, and learned from them.  Maybe you could take some small comfort in saying to yourself, "Well, better now than after I marry her and have a child or three..."

Warmest regards-

Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 16, 2009 - 7:20PM #3
PirateJohn
Posts: 408
Last night I went on my first date since last July.  I met her on chemistry.com and when we got together I thought she was a fantastic woman -- beautiful, intelligent, interesting.  Exactly the type of woman I want.

But as is always the case I get the call this morning -- She just didn't feel a "click."  I'm sick of it all.  What the hell is so goddamned wrong with me that here I am, 34, and never even gotten past a second date with a woman?  I'm frustrated as hell and I just don't know what to do about it.  It's getting harder and harder to get back up on that horse.  I wouldn't even mind the constant rejection if I just knew what it was like just once *not* to be.
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 16, 2009 - 7:33PM #4
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
PJ-

Exactly the type of woman I want.


First, sorry for your frustration; know how it goes.

Second, see the quoted phrase above.  You may have either consciously or unconsiously communicated "neediness" by showing her how much you wanted her, either verbally or by the way you looked at her, your topics of conversation, etc..

Paradoxically, if you want a woman to want you, you need to(at first) show them your ambivalence about anything except maybe having some fun together, giving the not-necessarily-true impression that if she's NOT fun, it's sayonara.  IOW, YOUR choice, NOT HERS.

But you probably know all this far better than I do, so I'll just commiserate; sorry 'bout that.  I wish women were easier to understand and deal with, but sometimes they just ain't.

Keep on pluggin' away; do a "post analysis," and see where you could've done better, maybe with some of the buds you made on the scene.

I've had a few first date disasters, myself, and learned from them.  Maybe you could take some small comfort in saying to yourself, "Well, better now than after I marry her and have a child or three..."

Warmest regards-

Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 17, 2009 - 3:43AM #5
lil_lamb
Posts: 2,898
well, i can't imagine PJ. you're handsome, you give good conversation here on beliefnet, you've got a hot job, and you're good enough to try out for the olympic handball team. it would be interesting to me see your body language in person.

but hey, i don't think there is anything "so" wrong. to put it all in perspective, it's taken 1/2 boyfriend 50+ years to rack up just four girlfriends, and that's counting me and a green-card seeker from thailand. it took my oldest girlfriend to get her one-and-only boyfriend ever seven years down the aisle. i don't think it's very normal to rack up numbers. the only person i know who needs more digits than he's got on his two hands to count girlfriends decided he should sign up for sex addicts anonymous. i mean, i agree with the boy - he's not balanced.
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 17, 2009 - 8:03AM #6
PaulaEdwina
Posts: 1,720
I am lousy at second dates too.  A bit of self analysis says I'm too driven, too eager, too pushy. I'm very type A and a bit imperious so it is easy for me to take over. Thing is if you tell me to back off I love that more than your being quietly offended and polite and just never calling back.  Unfortunately people are often too darned polite so when I push I don't get push back, I get shut down.

Obviously those are not the right kind of people for me.

So what I'm saying is that you need to sit back and try to analyze your behavior on this date. Your post sounds very eager and excited - like you'd written the script for this 'relationship' before it even had a chance to sprout. Perhaps she sensed that from you? 

It's not wrong or right, it just might be that you're smelling desparate when you think you're just being earnest.

Here's my suggestion FWIW, instead of trying to date quality, date quantity. Go out with anybody. Relax your criteria - basically if anyone asks you out (short of Jason or Norman or the female equivalent) GO.  It might take the edge off and you might stop looking at your potential dates as THE ONE, and stop scaring them off.

You strike me as a planner (it takes one to know one), and that might be getting in your way?

Paula
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 17, 2009 - 9:01AM #7
appy20
Posts: 10,165
Well, this is where i excel.  I always get a second date--at least the few dates I have gotten..  It is the first date that I cannot get. I have had 3 boyfriends and dated only 4 guys.   But, I got a second, third and even fourth date off all of them.  Two transferred to other schools shortly after I met them in college.  One was the love of my life and we just couldn't navigate a few differences.  The third, wel he just wasn't attracted to me physically.   There are no men left on the planet. 

It could be worse.  Keep at it.  At least you are getting the first date.
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 17, 2009 - 9:33AM #8
appy20
Posts: 10,165
I really don't want to you to hate me and am not saying this for the purpose of offending but I tried this out with a few of my friends.  I asked if they would be interested in an intelligent, articulate, handsome guy who goes to strip clubs and is a nudist, would they be interested.  They said no. 

Some women are attracted to behavior.  I couldn't date that guy either.  Not that I don't think you are a valuable person as a friend but romantically that would not work.
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 17, 2009 - 9:31PM #9
LitanyoftheSaints
Posts: 1,223

PirateJohn wrote:

Last night I went on my first date since last July. I met her on chemistry.com and when we got together I thought she was a fantastic woman -- beautiful, intelligent, interesting. Exactly the type of woman I want.

But as is always the case I get the call this morning -- She just didn't feel a "click." I'm sick of it all. What the hell is so goddamned wrong with me that here I am, 34, and never even gotten past a second date with a woman? I'm frustrated as hell and I just don't know what to do about it. It's getting harder and harder to get back up on that horse. I wouldn't even mind the constant rejection if I just knew what it was like just once *not* to be.


This post could have been mine word for word- only replace "woman" with "man". I swear, I feel like I'm a man repellent! At least she called and told you straight out. I've never had a man do that. They just don't call and that's that.

"The centrality of our mission is to love each other. That means caring for our neighbors. And it does not mean bickering about fine points of doctrine."- ++KJS
http://kjsfanpage.blogspot.com/
http://chicksinpointyhats.blogspot.com/

"We are to be Christ's hands and feet and heart and mind and we cannot do that if we assume God's role of judgment. The judge's job is filled. God alone is judge! Those who would be Saviors of the Church and the people in it are also reminded that the Savior's job has been filled. Jesus Christ filled it once for all. "- Bishop Rodney Michel
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 17, 2009 - 11:57PM #10
PirateJohn
Posts: 408

appy20 wrote:

I asked if they would be interested in an intelligent, articulate, handsome guy who goes to strip clubs and is a nudist, would they be interested.  They said no.


Um, I've never been to a strip club a day in my life...

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