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Switch to Forum Live View Do you ever really get over being cheated on?
3 years ago  ::  Mar 29, 2011 - 4:55AM #81
Orangeglowone
Posts: 4

The one thing I have found is I had no part in my husbands cheating it is a defect he has and he can not stop himself. After 43 years all I really want is some peace in my life.  I am tired of raising children, my own, him and grown grandchildren.  For that I will take responsibility, I always gave in to what ever they wanted.  Now at 61 it is my turn, I want to live alone and find peace for the rest of my life, let these people grow up and live their lives and go on without me. I am so tired of being used and I am used up.  there has to be a better life somewhere just not here.

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3 years ago  ::  Mar 29, 2011 - 8:40PM #82
REteach
Posts: 14,450

Annie, I'm really sorry. I remember feeling like someone reached into my chest and pulled my heart out. Now, my husband had only one affair, but he actually left, too.  


So, what I was told and I think is good advice is set yourself up financially safely right now.  I'd suggest you close any joint accounts or cards.


Next--do you want to make it or not? Our 33rd anniversary is in May. His affair was about 28 years ago.


I made it clear that if he came back, it was to stay. No experimenting and leaving. It was fish or cut bait--and no more affairs either. Period.  


Then I also had to do a personal inventory and make sure that I also worked on the places where I was not being a good partner.  


I can tell you it can be done, that it is truly possible to really forgive and forget.  In fact, it was probably a good thing for us, because we both learned so much.  We really truly are in love and in like and have fun.  However, that first year was sooooo hard.  And it was probably almost 15 years after that before the scar tissue was no longer sensitive to the touch, as it were.  


 


Now regarding the suicide threats--I would not let them alone make your decision. However, I agree you should take them seriously.  

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  May 09, 2011 - 4:40PM #83
princeslolypop
Posts: 2

I just found out two weeks ago that my fiance cheated on me when I was 6 months pregnant at home with a broken tailbone.  I remember the party so well because I begged him to stay home with me because we never seen each other because he was working two jobs since I broke my tailbone and could not work.  I cried the night he left, he ended up getting a flat tire about a mile or so away from the house and I begged him to let me come get him, that I would stick out the pain for a mile to get him.  He argued with me told me know and got a ride to the party and stayed the night.  The girl was someone he worked with he said that he tried so hard to stay away from her all night and that he only made out with her.  But he also told me he was so drunk he could not remember...but he remembered trying to stay away from her all night...Hearing that he tried so hard to stay away killed me, like he was just so drawn to her, like she had something I didnt...well she did...a baby by his BEST friend...I love him and I am trying to get over it but I was home and pregnant and this is so hard.  We are supposed to get married on our 5 year anniversary next year and I want nothing more than to be with him but I find myself ok one minute and crying the next...I don't want this to ruin my relationship with him because it IS in the past and I know I cannot change anything that happened but I am so hurt.  Any advice is appreciated.

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3 years ago  ::  May 09, 2011 - 9:19PM #84
REteach
Posts: 14,450

Well, statistically, guys are more likely to cheat when their partner is pregnant.  


I am living proof you can get past cheating.  My husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with our daughter who is now 29.  Our 33rd anniversary is on the 27th.  We love each other more now than we did when we got married.


If you want to make it work, you really have to let it go.  If you both want to start over, you start over with a clean slate.  Making him miserable to get revenge won't work.  He'll just leave eventually.  I also think you need to look at what stresses you might be contributing to the relationship. There is something about your description of your crying so he won't leave and offering to suffer agony to pick him up that bothers me.  I think your description leaves me perceiving you as someone who is pretty controlling and using the pregnancy and the tailbone to manipulate him. You almost sound angry that he got an extra job to cover your loss of wages.   Maybe my perception is wrong, but that is how it strikes me.  A relationship goes both ways.  When my husband cheated I did look at things I was doing to add stress.  I think that is part of why we made it.


 


So, yes, a relationship can not only survive after cheating, it can thrive. However, it takes both partners to look at what they are bringing to the table.  Babies are cute and sweet, but they do add stress.  

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  May 09, 2011 - 9:35PM #85
princeslolypop
Posts: 2

May 9, 2011 -- 9:19PM, REteach wrote:

Well, statistically, guys are more likely to cheat when their partner is pregnant.  


I am living proof you can get past cheating.  My husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with our daughter who is now 29.  Our 33rd anniversary is on the 27th.  We love each other more now than we did when we got married.


If you want to make it work, you really have to let it go.  If you both want to start over, you start over with a clean slate.  Making him miserable to get revenge won't work.  He'll just leave eventually.  I also think you need to look at what stresses you might be contributing to the relationship. There is something about your description of your crying so he won't leave and offering to suffer agony to pick him up that bothers me.  I think your description leaves me perceiving you as someone who is pretty controlling and using the pregnancy and the tailbone to manipulate him. You almost sound angry that he got an extra job to cover your loss of wages.   Maybe my perception is wrong, but that is how it strikes me.  A relationship goes both ways.  When my husband cheated I did look at things I was doing to add stress.  I think that is part of why we made it.


 


So, yes, a relationship can not only survive after cheating, it can thrive. However, it takes both partners to look at what they are bringing to the table.  Babies are cute and sweet, but they do add stress.  


First of all I take offense to this, I was by no means controlling.  He worked to jobs and every chance of down time he got he was walking out the door to go party and drink.  I NEVER used my pregnancy to control him nor would I ever, so if youre going to give advice you shouldnt assume the worst about the person who was cheated on. 


I cried because we were arguing because I asked him to please stay home with me because we never got to see each other.  And I offered to pick him up even though my tailbone was broken because I seen this as a sign that he should not go to this party...and well...guess I was right.  I dont appriciate being made into the bad guy...I DID NOT make him cheat on me, he KNEW I was at home pregnant with his kid and so did she, EVERYONE at that party knew about me and that I was carrying his baby.


And you automatically assuming that I would get revenge on him is absurd, you dont do that to someone you love and as far as stresses go who isnt stressed??  Or economy sucks so bad that it is messing with almost everyone you cannot possibly blame stress for him cheatin on his pregnant fiance.


You may have felt like it was your fault when your husband cheated on you, and I may be unsure of things right now but I am not unsure in how I precieve this.  NO MATTER WHAT you DONT cheat on your partner, when times are tough and things are bothering you if you TRUELY love the person you work it out or you leave but you dont by any means justify cheating on a stressful relationship.  He HAD a choice and he made the wrong one.  He could have just left me if it was so bad he didnt have to go chasing some homewrecker around a party for an outlet.  This is why it is so hard to get over, he could have left but he chose to betray me and his child. 


as for her being stressful, she perfect, sleeps 8-8 since the day she was born she will be 2 july 15th and her first few words were please and thank you.  She is polite and sweet and we could not ask for a better child.

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3 years ago  ::  May 10, 2011 - 4:36PM #86
Anniesheart2
Posts: 35

ReTeach  I have read your posts and you have given me alot of inspiration. I have really grown through this process of cheating, lies and such. (By the way, I am Anniesheart1. My other logon quit working.) It has now been almost 2 months, and I have come to the conclusion that I am stronger than that. I also know from what I have read through these posts and at Marriage Sherpa's web site, that to have thrown it all away in the first week would have been premature. I have learned so much about me, and have learned to stand on my own two feet again. I am a much stronger person.


I have read numerous blogs on this widespread problem that I cannot believe how bad it is. I believe that my husbands flings were not "love" based. They were out of spite, revenge, he was jealous and got back at me. And I think also from the losses he has had of his mother, sister and father. He has apologized over and over and wishes that I could just put it all behind. He might have thought it could be feelings, but I think they were somehow covered up. Does this give him an excuse for what he has done? No. But, as I move on I realize that if I had not let him become the controller from the fears I had of his aggressions, it could have been very different. It is amazing as a person backs down from the confrontation, how it becomes a habit to try to keep the peace, and then I suppose it makes it easier for the other spouse to take advantage in any ways they can. I was too needy perhaps at the time. I am coming 50 this year, and if I knew then what I know now....


I have gone over what has happened and rationalized it over and over, and there are always two sides to every story. BUT, communication is so important, to be able to talk to each other, to be able to take criticism, to accept compliments to each other, to be able to try to understand how you each work and not condemn, not be unconcerned or uncaring because you wouldn't react to a situation the same as your spouse. The words I love you, should be used carefully. Some people fling them out there so often that it just becomes those words. When you speak them, it should mean something. Some people don't speak them enough, they are hard to say (used to be me) and I don't know why.


He wouldn't always hear what I wanted to be said, but I didn't react like his family and/or culture to events in his life. And I am sure that in his time of mourning, he didn't feel or want to feel my compassion. He has turned me away from him numerous times and spent that energy on his friends, "barflys" and new best friends. Some of these best friends are female and younger, pretty, etc. So, as I have questioned him on occasion, they are just "friends", nothing more. And I think as time has gone by, there could be a tad bit of age creeping in and more insecurities because of that, he always wants to look good. My body is not anything like it used to be, BUT I am embracing my age as it comes. I am enjoying the grays and wrinkles.


I imagine that because I am not a touchy feely person, I don't laugh out loud over any funny thing, have always been the quiet kind, don' always express myself, and so on. I don't interact well in crowds, I do much better one on one. He is the exact opposite. He thrives on the interaction, the noise, the commotion.


As I look back now, I realize that while I did not make the choice to go outside this marriage to look for something to feel in the gaps, perhaps I could have done something different to have compensated, not more but different, to have helped him through some hard times. But the first one was out of jealousy and revenge. That one, there was nothing that could have changed it. The betrayal is there, the hurt, the pain, but I am a forgiving person. If any of you are interested, take a look at Marriage Sherpa. They have some very helpful blogs going on, and posters that have been hurt as well.


One of my mottos is that I am like a coyote, I can adapt to change in my environment like they do and keep on going. Pick up the pieces and keep on going is another. Life is not going to wait for me or anyone.


One of the other things that I have been doing is praying. Praying for forgiveness for my husband, but for myself as well. Praying for kindness and compassion. Praying for forgiveness for those others out there that are involved at the third party, whether it started out in innocence on their part or not. Praying for strength each day to get through this. God is here for all of us. No matter how hard our trials are, ask him for his love and kindness. I don't ask for much else, because I have realized what is important.


My husband has really shown remorse. He has lost weight, has aged throught this short time, lost sleep, has been very apologetic, and wishes that he had not done any of this. He has threatened the suicide a few more times, but I think that its one of his controllers as well. I also told him that he needed to quit talking that way. He also has tried to make him the victim, because he is hurting and misses what we have had. I have told him it just will take time. It has happened, but I cannot change it. I can move forward with or without him, I am choosing with at this time. It will take time, it will hurt, the thoughts, images are not as bad as they were. So many of you have experieced so much more than what I am going through. I know that you cant rate any of this, its pretty much personal and how each and everyone of you reacts to situations is how quickly you will heal and move on.


Open this blog up to your other half, see if you can get them to read it. Please check out Marriage Sherpa, it is a wonderful site as well. I have just read their blogs and have really learned from everyones experience. ReTeach, thank you so much for sharing yours too, for I was ready to toss it all in.


God bless all of you and your input, Hatman, thank you for your insight as well.

Anniesheart2
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3 years ago  ::  May 10, 2011 - 7:33PM #87
REteach
Posts: 14,450

May 9, 2011 -- 9:35PM, princeslolypop wrote:

First of all I take offense to this, I was by no means controlling.



Shrug.  Well, I said I could be wrong. I said that was how I saw you coming across. 



I cried because we were arguing because I asked him to please stay home with me because we never got to see each other.  And I offered to pick him up even though my tailbone was broken because I seen this as a sign that he should not go to this party...and well...guess I was right.  I dont appriciate being made into the bad guy...I DID NOT make him cheat on me, he KNEW I was at home pregnant with his kid and so did she, EVERYONE at that party knew about me and that I was carrying his baby.



My youngest daughter is currently pregnant and she does some of the same stuff you are doing here--emphasizing being pregnant over and over.  Her older sister, who is also pregnant with her second child kind of rolls her eyes when younger sister does this.  Pregnancy is not unusual. I know it is neat and wonderful and exciting, especially the first time, but those of us who have been pregnant before are not as impressed. My husband cheated while I was pregnant and ran off and left me with a 2 year old and a 4 month old.  Your fiance may have only made out.  If you bothered to read my post, I was cheated on too. I had the guts to look at what I might have been doing to make things go south. As long as you are unable to consider that your behavior plays a role in how you interact as a couple, I am inclined to think your relationship will be rocky.  


 


And you automatically assuming that I would get revenge on him is absurd, you dont do that to someone you love and as far as stresses go who isnt stressed??  Or economy sucks so bad that it is messing with almost everyone you cannot possibly blame stress for him cheatin on his pregnant fiance.



Well, I was cheated on when pregnant by a husband.  Why should I feel sorrier for you?


NO MATTER WHAT you DONT cheat on your partner, when times are tough and things are bothering you if you TRUELY love the person you work it out or you leave but you dont by any means justify cheating on a stressful relationship.  He HAD a choice and he made the wrong one.  He could have just left me if it was so bad he didnt have to go chasing some homewrecker around a party for an outlet.  This is why it is so hard to get over, he could have left but he chose to betray me and his child.



So dump him and feel noble. If you are going to come and ask strangers for advice, don't be surprised when you get it.  If all you want is someone to say "oh, my, what a rotten person" then don't ask for advice. 


 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  May 10, 2011 - 7:44PM #88
REteach
Posts: 14,450

May 10, 2011 -- 4:36PM, Anniesheart2 wrote:

 It has now been almost 2 months, and I have come to the conclusion that I am stronger than that... I am a much stronger person.



Good for you!  That is what I discovered too.  


But, as I move on I realize that if I had not let him become the controller from the fears I had of his aggressions, it could have been very different. It is amazing as a person backs down from the confrontation, how it becomes a habit to try to keep the peace, and then I suppose it makes it easier for the other spouse to take advantage in any ways they can. I was too needy perhaps at the time. I am coming 50 this year, and if I knew then what I know now....



Too needy is a problem.  When we almost divorced I had to realize that I could survive just fine if needed.  I think it was that knowledge that I could survive alone that gave me the strength to work it out. But, I could have made it.  Realizing that, as you discovered, is huge.  We have an enormous reservoir of strength.  :)


 


My body is not anything like it used to be, BUT I am embracing my age as it comes. I am enjoying the grays and wrinkles.



LOL!  I have 3+ years on you and yes, I can identify with that!


 


One of my mottos is that I am like a coyote, I can adapt to change in my environment like they do and keep on going. Pick up the pieces and keep on going is another. Life is not going to wait for me or anyone.



Again, good for you!  


One of the other things that I have been doing is praying. Praying for forgiveness for my husband, but for myself as well. Praying for kindness and compassion. Praying for forgiveness for those others out there that are involved at the third party, whether it started out in innocence on their part or not. Praying for strength each day to get through this. God is here for all of us. No matter how hard our trials are, ask him for his love and kindness. I don't ask for much else, because I have realized what is important.



That was helpful for me, too. 


He also has tried to make him the victim, because he is hurting and misses what we have had. I have told him it just will take time. It has happened, but I cannot change it. I can move forward with or without him, I am choosing with at this time. It will take time, it will hurt, the thoughts, images are not as bad as they were. So many of you have experieced so much more than what I am going through. I know that you cant rate any of this, its pretty much personal and how each and everyone of you reacts to situations is how quickly you will heal and move on.



It does take time.  It was a year of eggshells, then a few more years of kind of tiptoeing. It was about 15 years before we could really sit and talk about it without it hurting. What I can say, though, is that it can really be worth it.  Not for everybody, but cheating can be survived.  Marriage can thrive even after such bad hurt.  I wish you both the best of luck.  :)


 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Jun 08, 2011 - 12:47PM #89
Corrina
Posts: 1

First off, this is such a great thread. All your experiences having been giving me insight on dealing with my current issue. It's nice seeing that everyone is giving positive opinions and feedback.


I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. We live together, and things were great (or so I thought). About a month ago, we got into a fight, which drove him to leave the house for a while to get some "space" for a few days (we made it clear that we were still a couple, and this was just a breather and not a break by any means). During those few days, he slept with a co-worker of his. I would have never found out about it had he stumbled on his story. He was telling so many lies that he just couldn't keep up with them. I was so hurt. I felt so angry, betrayed, disappointed, disgusted, and upset. I felt like someone literally stomped on my chest. The bad part was that I never saw it coming. The thought never crossed my mind. It was one of those situations where I immediately jumped on the "He'd never do that to me" type of responses.


I packed everything up in a matter of hours, and was desperately looking for other places to live. Eventually, I realized that I was making decisions too prematurely, and that I really had to stop and think about my next move. During that time, he was making all kinds of promises and convinced me to at least stay for a few days to try and work it out. Things were very uncomfortable at first, but it seemed like they were slightly getting better.


My issue is that I just can't see him as the same person anymore. I don't trust him. I question everything he says or does. Before I used to physically adore him. But now when I see him around, I feel disgusted. Just like the other reader, I feel like he's tainted and that he's no longer mine. He waited 4 years to cheat on me. But yet, he still loves and cares about me and wants to make things work (or so he says).


As far as I go, my motivation for anything has detoriorated. My work productivity has been significantly low. I find myself struggling trying to finish homework. Things that I used to enjoy doing, I no longer care to do them. It amazes me how much of an impact he had on my life. I almost wished that I didn't care as much so it would stop hurting.


There are so many nights where I want to leave. I just want to walk away and start over. I have the means, and I have the support... but I just can't bring myself to it. I don't understand how much love I can have for him, even after what he's done to me. I'm still truly lost. How long would it take to get over such a thing? How does he earn my trust back (he's asked me, but I really didn't know what to tell him)? How do I stop looking at him as the disgusting pig who cheated on me, and more as a man that's trying to make it work? How do I stop feeling like an idiot for staying?

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3 years ago  ::  Jun 09, 2011 - 10:35AM #90
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Corrina,

Welcome to Beliefnet and to this corner of its world. I am so sorry for what you are going through in your relationship from the infidelity. It is one of the most painful things a person can experience (studies confirm this). You feel trust has been broken, perhaps beyond repair. There is a part of you that wants to somehow get the relationship back to the wonderful place it once had been. There is also a part of you that finds it impossible to ever trust again or be willing to open yourself up as you once did.

You have had enough time with this relationship to perhaps have some hope that it can be salvaged, and there is still a part of you that wants to get as far away as possible. You are afraid of losing something that could be fantastic, and are also so hurt that it is hard to see how it could ever be good again. You recognize that continuing to be disgusted by him is not a recipe for a loving relationship, and you haven’t found a way yet to resolve those feelings.


Blessings,
Arnie

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