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Switch to Forum Live View Do you ever really get over being cheated on?
4 years ago  ::  Feb 12, 2011 - 10:25AM #71
REteach
Posts: 15,016

In 1982, shortly after the birth of our middle child, my husband not only cheated but actually ran off with the other woman for a while.  It felt like someone tore my heart out.


When he called and said he wanted to come back, I made it clear that coming back was only an option if it was to stay.  I wasn't going to go through that again.  


When he did come back, I also made the decision that we were both starting new--I was not going to hold it over his head, and in addition to exploring his role in the mess, I would look at the role I played too.


The first year was pretty rough.  It probably took 15 years before we could discuss it without pain. Now I suspect it may have been the best thing that ever happened to us, because we both learned so much, including how much we would miss the other.  


It is possible to recover from infidility.  Plan on it hurting for a reasonable period of time, but like any wound, the pain fades.  I would suggest that if you decide to work on being together, you don't pull the infidelity out and use it like a bludgeon whenever you are angry.  You just might make your spouse decide that being with you isn't worth it after all.  Look at your own role.  A couple is a system--we both affect the other.  That doesn't mean be a doormat, but it does mean being honest about your own behavior.  


 


In case it isn't clear--we are more in love now than we were as newlyweds.  We have a great sex life.  We are lovers and best friends.  It was worth the pain of making it work. 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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4 years ago  ::  Feb 28, 2011 - 2:29PM #72
brokenheart123
Posts: 1

Can anyone please post if they have had a happy marriage after going through something like this? Can you still love your husband so much and feel like you felt about him before you found out about the cheating?


I just got married 6 months ago. My husband and I were together 3 years before we got married. I was so happy. I felt like we were the perfect couple. We never fought, and if we did it will be for the simplest things and we will quikly get over it. I trusted him 100%. We would talk and we both agreed that for both of us cheating was so wrong and that it was something that we both couldn't even think about doing. He always talked about how other men that he knew would cheat on their partner and he said that he couldn't believe that they did that.


Anyways, about a month ago, I found out that he had cheated on me with his ex when we were boyfriend and girlfriend. It happened after we had been together for 1 year and a half. I was so devastated. I found out by him. He told me that he really regrets it and that it was a big mistake. He said that he never thought that he would do it but it just happened in that moment. He said that he regreted it afterwards and that he never talked to her again, and that he has never done it ever since.


I believe him and I know how much he regrets it. I know that he will never do it again. I do not want to leave him, but I am scared that it will never be like it used to be. I am so hurt. I can't stop thinking about it. That is all I think about the whole day. That is why I want to know if I am going to be fine. Will I ever be happy again? Can I ever be with him and not hink about what happened? **PEASE anyone who has been able to have a happy marriage with their partner after he/she cheated, please post it** Do you still remember it everytime after so many years??

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4 years ago  ::  Feb 28, 2011 - 3:40PM #73
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Brokenheart123-

That is why I want to know if I am going to be fine.


Yes, you will---faster, if you want to be.

Will I ever be happy again?


People have found happiness mucking out outhouses, so yes; again, this situation remedies itself faster if you first believe you can be happy.

Can I ever be with him and not think about what happened?


Probably not for some time, but you can choose what to think about or not think about; in the end, what you choose to think about is really the only true choice of power you have in this life.  This is not to say that you shouldn't feel hurt; when the one you love betrays your trust, this causes a deep wound, and deep wounds take a long time to heal---even when they DO heal, they leave a scar that itches.  Just because you can't SEE the wound or the scar that forms doesn't mean it's not there.

**PLEASE anyone who has been able to have a happy marriage with their partner after he/she cheated, please post it** Do you still remember it every time after so many years??


If REteach reads this, she can comment; she's been through it, and iirc, feels strongly that looking at HER contribution to his cheating made their marriage stronger and better, although she DID say that if he ever did it again, he'd be history...

But the thinking-about-it thing; if i were to tell you, "Do NOT think of an elephant," pretty soon, and the harder you tried NOT to, all you COULD think about would be the elephant.  What i found that worked for me was to pray and ask Our Father to give me something else to think about, then act on THAT thought when it arrived, as i knew it would.  Helped me quit drugs, smoking, drinking, even meat for about 5 years...don't see why it wouldn't work for just about anything, but perhaps you have a different idea that works for you, or another may occur to you.  Whatever works to short-circuit the obsessing over it will be fine.  Based on your post, i'd say that you already know that constantly replaying the situation in your mind, imagining more and more details, is NOT healthy and is NOT helping---right?

ETA:
Curiously, i just received the following statement as the concluding words of an email that just came in:

"Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections."

Warmest regards-

Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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4 years ago  ::  Feb 28, 2011 - 7:42PM #74
REteach
Posts: 15,016

Feb 28, 2011 -- 2:29PM, brokenheart123 wrote:


Can anyone please post if they have had a happy marriage after going through something like this? Can you still love your husband so much and feel like you felt about him before you found out about the cheating?




Well, we were already married and had kids when my husband cheated and actually left for a while.  It hurt.  That was in 1982. 

Yes, you can really get past it.  We are madly in love coming up on 33 years.  


Don't let something that happened when you were dating ruin what you have now.  Do you really want to drive him away for something that happened a year and a half before you got married?  Do you really want to make his life so miserable harping on it that he doesn't want to be with you any more? You need to think about whether you want to ruin your marriage by being miserable over something that happened before you got married.  


 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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4 years ago  ::  Mar 07, 2011 - 1:11AM #75
Orangeglowone
Posts: 4

I have been married 43 years and he has cheated on me the whole time, why haven't I left, 2 kids, a demanding job, a house to take care of and I have known him since I was 10 years old.


He has give me 2 std's and the last 7 yeas have been hell, in my heart I love him but, I am not longer in love with him. Now he is 65 and I am 62 so what is the point of leaving.  We barley talk and he will not talk about the last affairs and the drugs that brought them on.  I put a stop to them by making him retire and getting all the girls fired and made sure they did not get unemployment, since they seemed to really enjoy rubbing it in my face.  The one thing they forgot was I knew the same people he did and was well respected.  We have 2 kids, 4 grandchildren, and 4 great grandchildren, he is sick now and just expects everything to go back to normal, it is all I can do to be around him.  Every time I have to take a pill for Herpes, I get mad all over again.  I have arthritis all over my body and take care of 5 acres of farm land, 4 horses, 2 dogs and 2 cats and now him, I took my vows to mean what they said in sickness and in health, but there must be a hell on earth. I live it every day

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4 years ago  ::  Mar 07, 2011 - 10:53AM #76
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Orangeglowone,

Welcome to this corner of Beliefnet. I am so sorry for the pain you have experienced in your marriage for so many years. Not only was there betrayal of the marriage vows, there were STDs you were subjected to through no fault of your own. Perhaps the most hurtful thing is the lack of any remorse.

It is completely understandable to be angry at all of this. For now, you are still committed to upholding your marriage vows and stay in the marriage, no matter how painful it may be to even see your husband. There is the expectation that things will be “normal” now - I’m wondering what “normal” might look like. Perhaps you feel you have no choice but to go along.

Blessings,
Arnie

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4 years ago  ::  Mar 09, 2011 - 11:00AM #77
Orangeglowone
Posts: 4

I made a vow to God to stand by this man and I will do it. I can't say I love him but, at 61 and being sick myself I can't start over and I was to young to know the difference between love and being used when we married. I have known him since we were 10 years old.  I felt on my wedding day that I was making a mistake, just a gut feeling and my big brother said please do not do this.  In those days if you were going to have a baby you got married.  What a fool I was.  I have made a life for myself that has some happiness in it.  I have my painting and sewing and reading.  I have 4 horses that I take care of and 5 acres of land and I do enjoy it so you just have to make so good out of bad lemons.  Thanks for your reply and God bless you.  Hope your life is happy not matter what is going on.Smile

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4 years ago  ::  Mar 11, 2011 - 12:30PM #78
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

So for now, you are content with what you have now and feel that is all you can ever hope to get.

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4 years ago  ::  Mar 28, 2011 - 6:54PM #79
Anniesheart1
Posts: 1

I have been married for 23 years this June, and am in dire need of some support, advice, opinions, etc. I have found out last Tuesday, that my husband has been cheating on me, not once or twice but several times. And expanding for about maybe 20 of those years. I have had my hunches but nothing to back it up with. When I would question him, he would get angry, defensive and tell me nothing was happening. Nothing. I was his pot of gold, he wouldn't trade me for a million dollars and so on.


Two years ago my son's ex wife had confessed to a fling with my husband ( he is my son's stepfather) but I could not believe it, I thought it was a lie to hurt us both as we had some disagreements. She was telling the truth, and the guilt and pain it had caused her was too much and when she came to town this last week, she came and told me. Was very sorry. and there she was. So I asked her to confront my husband and she said I will, I called him down and she said I told her about when we kissed. He said, whats a kiss. And she said and I told here about everything else. She left and I said so How many others are there?


He told me all my hunches were right, all the times I questioned him. So, yeah, I am having a difficult time here.


His mother died in 96, his sister in 99, his father in 02. He was close to his father, and since his father has died has expressed dieing a lot. "I wished I was dead".  I feel like putting a bullet between my eyes, and so on. Over and over. My next problem is we have discussed this several times over the last week. The first day he said I should move out. And I guess I should have let him. By Thursday, he was really having a hard time, I couldn't talk much to him, and he told me maybe he should move out again, he couldn't stand to see me this way, hurt, crying, and I told him he should. He told me he didn't have anywhere to go, could stay at his sisters for a while, but had no one, no where. He can't read, doesn't have much of an education, only one good eye, etc etc. He stayed and begged me all nite to reconsider, we can work it out, it happened in the past, let it go, try to forgive, and on. Think about our kids, ( they are 23 and 21, one living at home going to school.)


Yesterday, I couldn't live with all of this mess and told him I wanted him to go ahead and move out. And he told me if he moved out and I didn't want to be with him, that he has no reason to continue to be here. That he will do something stupid. He told me how he would do it and said, I am not afraid to go, I will do it, I miss my dad and I am ready to go be with him. He said he called his brother and told him that if we separate he will do something stupid. He told me that at the dance (he plays music) the night before, that someone told him if he needed a place to stay that he could stay with them, and he told them, no that he wouldn't be around much longer, that he would be gone forever.


So, I am a crossroads. Our marriage has been rocky, but I do love him  a great deal, but with all the lies, betrayal and such. But I am afraid that one, he will do this again, and two, if he chooses to do something stupid, will he try to involve me? I am asking for advice, opinions, please .

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4 years ago  ::  Mar 28, 2011 - 10:32PM #80
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Generally-speaking, every threat to commit suicide should be taken seriously.
Those who do not, usually end up regretting their choice to do nothing.
If i were in your shoes, i would first pray...then, maybe pick up the ph. and call social services, a suicide hotline, a local mental hospital and ask what options are available.
When i was suicidal...maybe 30-odd years ago, now...my mother found out that the only way to get me involuntarily committed was for me to first commit some crime, and then have the prosecuting attorney make a recommendation for a 72-hour psych eval/hold(which turned into 6 months, but that's another story), then have the judge go along and make the commitment order..

Does he drink?  If so, you could put a bug in the right cops ear at the right time and get him pulled over/busted for DIP, and start the ball rolling that way.

i'm very sorry for what you're going through right now---finally having all your suspicions validated, his tearful confession of all his lies, his threats to do away with himself if you leave him(or you kick him out), the hurts from both past and present---but as you still love him, and as REteach will tell you, this CAN be a time to work through some things and set new groundrules, especially if you're also willing to examine your part in his choice to be unfaithful with honesty, accepting your part in this.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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