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Switch to Forum Live View Do you ever really get over being cheated on?
2 years ago  ::  Sep 04, 2012 - 7:56AM #201
jollys12
Posts: 5

i understand exactly what you mean about the little reminders but how do you teach yourself to forget completely or does it never go away? tv radio books, even people in general i unfortunately made the mistake of telling my best friend my mother ad my husbands mother which in turn has created a ripple affect throgh my husbands family and each one of them now knows, creating argumnts and fall outs. im lucky enough to ahve a strong mother and a fab best friend who have stuck by me and helped me but they dont know the full affects as they havent been through this as you all have (which is why im here)


as i said in a pevious post my husband works away alot, how can i get over it and relean to trust him again while hes away, he phones me and texts me and can make all the promises in the world, but really this was only a month ago, im hurt very hurt and angry. i can understand the need to speak to "her" as i wanted to myself but unfortunately she lives miles away and my husband deleted her number etc from his phone. so as another post said i have to just forget her why should she care, but to be honest se should care! i dont undersand how society has changed so much that cheating is a day to day thing that occurs and women/men are happy to do so. even if i wanst married and hadnt gone through this, i wouldnt touch a married man with a barge pole, so how can other women not have enough self respect to do the same? innocence doesnt come into it, i dont know how you can say that, every person who cheats knows exactly what theyre doing and exactly how theyre feling? you have to crave someone else crave that person want them to be able to have the guts to go ahead and do something about it. my husband didnt just sext but he went the full hog, met a girl took her number and then met her the next night (whilst wearing his wedding ring and a tatto with my name on his arm, she didnt care.. ?) and went back to her place did he think about me then? obviously not. does he regret it now, he says so, he apologises, he hugs me when i cry tries to make things better by telling me o look to the future and he will make it all okay.. but im still at the point where it hurts to even breathe. i know everyone keeps posting time is a great healer, all i want is for time t hurry up so i can stop feeling this bad!


also, as i have seen a photo f this woman on my husbands phone i know what she looks like, so i have this mental image of them both, how can i get that out of my head? is that normal?


thank you for this thread its helping

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2 years ago  ::  Sep 04, 2012 - 8:02AM #202
jollys12
Posts: 5

my post has vanished, can anyone else see it please ?

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2 years ago  ::  Sep 04, 2012 - 10:40PM #203
REteach
Posts: 14,433

Jolly, If your husband died last month, would you be over it already? If he died 6 months ago, would you be completely back to normal? 


You have had a jolt and there is no reason to believe you should be feeling just dandy already. It will take time.


Remember, though, if you think about it all the time and make yourself feel bad, then by definition, you will feel bad.  


So, smile. Research shows that smiling even when you don't feel like it helps you feel better.


If you decide you want to make this marriage work, you have to decide you trust your husband.  Even if you don't really, you have to anyway. If you both want to be happy, you just can't be making him feel like crap.  


Look at your own behavior too.  Your behavior is the only behavior you can change.  Be the wife you think a good husband deserves.  



Good luck!

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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2 years ago  ::  Sep 05, 2012 - 2:49AM #204
Estacia
Posts: 2,209

Reteach, I agree with you! Yes we must look at our behaviors as well.


Personally speaking forgiving a spouse can be a very hard thing to do.


Good luck to you!


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2 years ago  ::  Sep 05, 2012 - 4:13PM #205
jollys12
Posts: 5

Aug 24, 2012 -- 7:36PM, REteach wrote:

We were 25 and 26 with a toddler and a new baby.  I can look back with the wisdom of a 55 year old and think we were both pretty immature, selfish twits.  Our little problem was definitely a wake up call, one I don't think we ever forgot.  


I still don't like stories, like The Bridges of Madison County, that celebrate infidelity. However, the pain really does fade after time.


Give yourselves time to heal.  Let go of your anger against your spouse because it works against your long term goal.  


To paraphrase Rod Stewart "He's in my heart, he's in my soul, he'll be my strength should I grow old, he is my lover, he's my best friend, he's in my soul."  And he would say the same thing about me.   


i posted and it says someone else has posted but i cant see mine or anyone else' posts? have i not clicked something or done something wrong?

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2 years ago  ::  Sep 05, 2012 - 4:23PM #206
jollys12
Posts: 5

Sep 4, 2012 -- 10:40PM, REteach wrote:

Jolly, If your husband died last month, would you be over it already? If he died 6 months ago, would you be completely back to normal? 


You have had a jolt and there is no reason to believe you should be feeling just dandy already. It will take time.


Remember, though, if you think about it all the time and make yourself feel bad, then by definition, you will feel bad.  


So, smile. Research shows that smiling even when you don't feel like it helps you feel better.


If you decide you want to make this marriage work, you have to decide you trust your husband.  Even if you don't really, you have to anyway. If you both want to be happy, you just can't be making him feel like crap.  


Look at your own behavior too.  Your behavior is the only behavior you can change.  Be the wife you think a good husband deserves.  



Good luck!


no i can say for deffinate i would not be over my husband if he passed away, i have thought of that, how i would feel if he was suddenly taken from me, but at the same time this is a little bit of the same effect my husband was "taken" and then as you said he chose to come back to me, he chose me i get that, and no one can feel the way you do about your husband, its your own bond you have together hes my best friend which is another reason why i feel so betrayed. i understand why i cant keep bringing it up and making him feel bad as that will in turn make me feel bad, but cant help BUT feel bad... if you know what i mean.


my husband says all the right things does all the right things and makes all the right promises and i guess only time will tell, im just in such fear i will be hurt again and dont know how i will be able to cope with that pain..


have you thought about starting up a website or facebook twitter type page? you are a therapist really? from your own experience youve started a great thing on here helping others. its "nice" to have talked to others who have gone through the same thing and come out the other side. thank you.

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2 years ago  ::  Sep 05, 2012 - 8:41PM #207
REteach
Posts: 14,433

LOL! No, I am not a therapist. I am a woman who has learned that you don't die from a broken heart.  I have learned that you can really learn from infidelity and that what you learn can actually make your marriage stronger.  


Life is not perfect. We learn from mistakes. We can become stronger from them, if we really take the time to learn the lessons.


My husband screwed up--but I was not exactly being the perfect partner myself. He learned, but so did I.  We both have learned that if we want a happy marriage, we both need to take care of each other.



So, the pain takes time.  Don't dwell on it. Force yourself to smile.  Force yourself to think of happy things. Do things together. Talk. Try to act romantic.  Keep you eye on the prize.   

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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2 years ago  ::  Sep 06, 2012 - 4:29AM #208
Estacia
Posts: 2,209

I think we can move on from a cheating loved one, we could or could not get over it. In the end either way we never forget.


It will always be in the back of our minds when the next person comes into our lives.


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2 years ago  ::  Sep 06, 2012 - 8:04AM #209
REteach
Posts: 14,433

I don't think about it a lot, and when I do, it does not hurt.  It was a learning experience for both of us.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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2 years ago  ::  Sep 16, 2012 - 3:25PM #210
chocolategirl
Posts: 2

Sep 6, 2012 -- 8:04AM, REteach wrote:

I don't think about it a lot, and when I do, it does not hurt.  It was a learning experience for both of us.


what about a nonstop cheater who makes all the nice promises after getting caught then after 6 months start all over again all the while being a pastor and helping other couples with the same situation.

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