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Switch to Forum Live View Do you ever really get over being cheated on?
3 years ago  ::  Dec 22, 2011 - 2:49AM #151
Bronxhouseofcheaters
Posts: 2

Hello all,


I'm new to the board and an hour later I'm finally logged on whew... 



I just Googled "how to get over a cheating husband" and this blog popped up and so many of the comment have hit home for me. And for that I want to start by saying thank you all.


I started my current/first relationship 18 years ago as a 17 year old.  He was my first everything.  I took our realationship for granted and felt that i was "entitled."  Why because "I am the badest chich" or so I've thought.  Sighhh


He was my first but he wasnt my last and he has had the same amount of time i've had to play. and play he did.  I found out a week and a half ago that my husband of a year and three months was cheating on me for up to two years during our relationship and marrige.  what hurts about this situation, is that his timing couldn't have been worst for me..... Why then???  I decided we would get married because I wanted to change my life and be the woman that he deserved.  But it was to late.  All the trash talking, with holding sex, mental abuse....


Such a long courtship 2 children later, he's cheated on me.  I'm devistated, I'm shocked, I'm angry, I'm guilty.......


The signs were there but I thought it was my guilt getting at me.wow.wow. wow.( shaking my head. )  I've never been caught i dont think i will.  Him on the other hand was dealing with a female that wanted to make sure that i got word about their relationship after storking me and other friends on facebook.


Please help... Confessing my infedilities is not an option he cant deal with it; it's not fair for him to hurt as i have.


 

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3 years ago  ::  Dec 22, 2011 - 4:19PM #152
REteach
Posts: 14,804

Oh, my. 


Well, I think you have taken step 1, which is to look at your contribution to where you went wrong.  Well, maybe step 1 is actually to protect yourself, which might include separating banks accounts and stuff like that. 


I do think that looking at your own behavior is a good first step. Lots of people don't want to do that or admit that they did anything to contribute. 


So, does he want to stay with you? It sounds as if you want to stay with him.  I would suggest both a marriage counselor and a date.  If you have kids, maybe find someone to watch them over night and stay in a hotel, go out to eat, talk and listen and listen and talk. 


Perhaps some individual counseling too so you can better understand your own need to cheat. 


What I can tell you is that it is possible to fall back into love, to forgive and pretty much forget--forget the hurt anyway. 


If you do talk, remember to use "I". Not "you make me angry" but "I get angry when you...".  Not "you are mean" but "I feel hurt or lonely or whatever when you..."


Remember to listen to him, too, and take criticism as constructive.


Yes, this will hurt like hell.  You will survive it.  You have a chance to grow stronger and wiser.  I think you are willing to do the work to get it done.  Just know that you can indeed do it. 

Good luck!


 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 05, 2012 - 9:10AM #153
BrokenPineapple
Posts: 2

I've read the entire 15 pages and I can say it has made me feel a lot better. It's been 3 months since my girlfriend admitted to cheating and it wasn't till I read these pages that I feel I can actually start forgiving. I've spent so much of the last 3 months going over every little detail about the cheating and asking her so many questions it was driving me crazy and I know it was starting to bother her too. I felt like it was eating me from the inside. I just couldn't stop thinking about it.


I now believe that I will eventually forgive her, but I'm still worried about something. Does the trust ever get back to the level you had before the cheating? I've heard so many people say that once trust is broken it can never be 100% again, but I've never heard this from anyone who's been in a position to confirm if its true so I'd like to hear the input of people who've actually stayed and worked it out.


I'm also curious how long did it take for you to forgive your partner. I now feel I can forgive, but I also feel like I'm purposely delaying the forgiving process, because I feel like if I forgive too fast I'm admitting that it was ok to cheat.


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3 years ago  ::  Feb 05, 2012 - 12:03PM #154
REteach
Posts: 14,804

Yes, trust can come back.  I would say the first year was kind of walking on eggshells.  The pain was pretty gone by 5 years.  By 15 years we could talk about it without hurt.  


My advice though is not to ask questions about things that might really bother you if you get an honest answer.  Remember that she had the choice and chose to come back to you.  That is the part to focus on.


So, yes, from someone with experience. You can go back to normal.  In fact, being away from each other can let you realize how much you really love each other.  

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 05, 2012 - 5:12PM #155
BrokenPineapple
Posts: 2

Thanks for the reply REteach. Your posts here have been very helpful. It's nice to see that people have made a relationship work after cheating.


As far as the asking questions, I've already asked almost everything there is to ask about the before, during, and after of the cheating haha. It probably didn't help asking, but I couldn't help wanting to know everything.


How long would you say it took for the trust to come back for you? And how long did it take you to forgive him for the cheating?


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3 years ago  ::  Feb 06, 2012 - 8:15PM #156
REteach
Posts: 14,804

There is a certain amount of just needing to stomp on suspicion.  I think after a couple years during which he was clearly committed, suspicion just stops rearing its head. But in the meantime you just have to say "no" when you twitch.  You need to remind yourself that YOU were the one chosen in the end.  


IMO if one keeps attacking the person who cheated, at some point they will decide coming back was a mistake and it is time to move on.  You need to put it in the past and let go.  That may involve some negotiation--please let me know where you are going and when you will be back, and I will do the same.  It may require looking at what you may have done to harm the relationship, and seeing what you can honestly do on your end.  


If you look at the statistics, there is a lot of cheating going on. Even though when it happens to you, it feels like you are the only one.  That doesn't excuse it, but it provides perspective. 


There are no doubt some people who just really don't care, they are serial cheaters and they couldn't be faithful with a gun to their heads.  Those people it may be easier to just leave.  But I suspect the majority of cheaters are responding to stress, sometimes just a perfect storm of stress.  Possibly if you can understand the circumstances, it will be easier to write it off as a learning experience.



Time heals a lot of things.  



I guess I could forgive him because I viewed him as temporarily insane.  :)  The rest of the time he has been a good person and fun to be with. And I love him. And he loves me. 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 17, 2012 - 10:42AM #157
Anniesheart2
Posts: 35

I would say that the trust issue is an individual one, and it depends on you, and how you want to go forward. Reteach has some wonderful advice. Don't hold it over her head. Accept that it happened. Start out new today. If she chose to stay with you, then move forward with that. Forgiveness in your heart for her is big. Do it, don't be afraid. For me it helped to release all the bitterness and anger and hate. Suspicious minds, they will tear you apart.


If you are truly wanting to go forward with this releationship, then go forward without letting the past interfere. If you don't, it will cause so much stress on this relation.


Trust is something that grows and is earned by actions and deeds, words that are true. Your heart will let you know that one. I am only 11 months out, and due to heeding Reteach's advice here, I have, we have made great progress. We are more happier than we have been in the 24 1/2 years together, other than when we first got together for maybe the first couple years.


She is absolutely right in not placing the entire blame on the CS, as I had realized that our problems were not one sided, and usually never are. I know that I carried alot of baggage around from my childhood, had beem married once, and had gotten pregnant at 18, and did not marry the baby's father. There were many things that kept me captive, too many to list, but when I realized this, and put it on paper, wrote it down, accepted the fact that I was so much to blame for our marriage problems, it made it so much easier to move on past this bump in my road. I released so many of these memories, burned them in the sink, 8 1/2 doublesided pages, and asked for forgiveness of all those that had hurt me, including my husband and the other women.


She is absolutely right that you can move past this and have a stronger relation than ever. You gain trust, love, happiness, a new best friend and someone that truly wants to grow old with you. None of this means that what they did was right, they should have come to us to try to fix the problems, but, I have realized that so many would rather not hurt you with the truth, and because of this, I think they look for other ways to fix it.


This is me, what I have figured out in my life, my marriage and my walk with God. Good luck to you.

Anniesheart2
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 25, 2012 - 12:21PM #158
Michelle0025
Posts: 1
I know getting over the hurt of being cheated on is totaly easier said than done and it can be so hard .i I know with experience, and ive been with my fiance for 3 years now and we have had so many bumpy roads in our relationship and we have fought so much. Its been hard and he always has something negative to say about me or hes always kicking me out threating to take custody of our daughter and i know i can be an emotional wreck somedays but do i deserve to be kicked out or continually be called a dumb stupid b word ? Well about a year ago we were going through a super rough time and i thought weve hit rock bottom i thought we were over all love lost and during this time i ended up finding myself cheating emotionally with another man i never had a physical realtion with him well long story short my fiance caught me and i told him everything i was so sorry and i owned up to my mistakes and since then i have been faithful to 100% and he still thinks im cheating and i know its jusr cause i went against him andbetrayed his trust but when i really stop and think about it he did wron to by always calling me names always kicking me out flirting wuth every woman that crossed his way he always put his younger female friends before me always made a joke of me and even till this day he still calls me names makes me feel like the scum of the earth hes even striked me in the face and says i deserved it he says i deserve the way i get treated sometimes i feel as though i do deserve if not worse but my good side says i dont i have tried so hard to put what i did behind me and ive tried moving on but he cant and wont and i just dont know what to do...
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 26, 2012 - 7:43PM #159
REteach
Posts: 14,804

Sounds to me like you are in an abusive relationship.  helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_a...


Not every relationship is worth keeping. What is this doing to your child?

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Mar 06, 2012 - 10:02AM #160
Anniesheart2
Posts: 35

Nobody deserves to be treated bad. It sounds as if he wants to bully you around by the name calling, the putting you down. And now the striking you. It sounds as if he is hiding something hisself and browbeating you so much that you are afraid to confront him. I only speak from my experience. While he did not threaten to kick me out, he did threaten divorce consistently for about 22 years of our marriage, the time that he was having multilple affairs on and off. Mostly I think emotional with some sex, but never attached.


My husband was verbally abusive and somewhat physically for the majority of our marriage. Last year in March, I found out about multiple affairs that he had had. After being together now for 25 years, this last year has been a challenge as well as a learning and growing experience. He told me somewhat of his affairs. I decided that I didn't want to know everything.


Since I found out, he has done a complete turnaround. He is kind, sweet, loving, caring, more than ever, and I think the guilt of what he had done over the years with these women made him angry at hisself, thus taking it out on me. Go figure, I don't understand so much, but, I do understand how my own childhood, and previous years did play me. Everynow and then, old habits of picking start happening, but when I remind him to be nice, we both pick it up a step to remember that words can strike like a sharp blade.


For the sake of your child, you need to look deep inside and ask yourself if you want to continue to live this way and raise your child in an environment such as that. Get some help. There are plenty of organizations that would help you out, take you in and such.


You have recognized your own insecurities, now you need to start healing yourself. IMO, if he is not willing to be reasonable, and it sounds as if he wasn't before the cheating, then to me it sounds as if this relation might take a turn for the worst.


Do you have family that would help you out? Friends? You need to remember that you have control of you and only you. If he is not willing to move past this hating, then it may be time for you to take control of your life, with or without him. It has to be two working together, and he has to be willing to get some help on this anger issue that he is having. I say anger because he calls you names, puts you down, threatens you, and now has struck you.


For your sake, please check into the thread by ReTeach, look to local organizations and family for some help.


Good luck.

Anniesheart2
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