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Switch to Forum Live View Do you ever really get over being cheated on?
3 years ago  ::  Oct 03, 2011 - 2:08PM #131
Anniesheart2
Posts: 35

Livinglife,


Forgiveness has been one of the most powerful things that I have done for me. Just pray for forgiveness for her, but also state it yourself, everyday, and believe it. If you truly want to forgive her, it will bring you peace of mind, and that is so necessary in healing.


I remind myself all the time about forgiveness, and then will tell myself again, over and over, everyday I will until I don't have any unsettled feelings coming back. And my peace is growing and growing and growing.


Have faith in God, love Him, ask Him for guidance, trust in what He has for you.

Anniesheart2
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3 years ago  ::  Oct 03, 2011 - 9:09PM #132
JRomey
Posts: 6

I commend people who can forgive those who cheated on them! It is very hard - I would just have a very difficult time letting go in my mind that the person cheated.  To cheat takes a lot & those that do it (IMO) are selfish....just my opinion!  It is a very selfish act and how can you truly love someone if you can go and cheat?  Cheating IMO is a weakness/insecurity in that person.  IF you feel the desire (even the slightest) of someone else...then you get out.  You do not subject someone else to that pain cause you are lacking something in the relationship or trying to fill a void of some sort.  Get out and save the hurt!!  Even if you chose not to tell your partner - he or she will indirectly feel something different.  You can not give your WHOLE SELF when you have cheated.  You will indirectly give off that vibe that something is not right!!!

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3 years ago  ::  Oct 04, 2011 - 1:18PM #133
REteach
Posts: 14,551

Nobody's perfect.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Oct 26, 2011 - 6:20AM #134
Cor
Posts: 1

Hi all, I was not able to read all the post in this post. However, I want to let you know what I feel about the topic. I am currently married and have two beautiful kids. I am in the Military and I am currently stationed in South Korea without my wife. My wife and I have had a horrible relationship because of the things I have done and the way I have treated her. Our relationship started about two years before we got married, I’m not going to elaborate too much on what happened before we got married, but I will tell all of you what led me to cheat.


After we got married in 2006, my wife traveled back to Florida before moving with me in another state. After a month she told me she was pregnant and I was jumping with happiness and I was overflowing with joy. Two months after the news, She finally flew to where I lived and life was great. However, the joy would not last too long. She told me she had intercourse with someone I met before and asked to take care of her for me while I was gone because I couldn’t be there for her because of my duty assignment in the military. My heart fell apart that day and I cried like I have never had.


For nine months I or her did not know if the child she was carrying was mine, and yet I still decided to live with her after the news. My son was indeed mine, I could never reject that fact. And even if he was not, I am pretty sure I would have stayed with her afterwards. However, resentment and hate grew so strong during those nine months that I became someone else. I became such a horrible person that I really do not know why she stood by my side so long. But after a deployment to Iraq I knew that it was her that I needed for the rest of my life. Even knowing this, I was an emotional pirate that took away and gave her only enough attention to stay by my side.


Now here is what led me to make a mistake.


For some weird reason I believed that if she felt the pain I felt maybe she would not take me for granted (she never did take me for granted, It was me who was making that mistake). I ended up getting sent to South Korea just at the beginning of the year, and if you have never been to South Korea, well… let me just say that is a party country. To make the story short, two months after I got here I ended up drinking entirely too much that I ended up making the biggest mistake in my life. I am not going to elaborate, but I barely remember anything about that night.


I told my wife what I did several days ago. I did it because I cannot burden the pain of having such a great wife and me having ghost in the closet. Before I told her what happened I knew that she was going to leave me. And I cried, and cried, and cried some more. I know that I have lost the most beautiful things a person could ever ask for, but if they do leave me I know that it was because somewhere deep in my heart I never really forgave for what happened in the beginning of our marriage. I have read here several posts that state that they felt as if they needed revenge, but that only makes things worse.


Now that I have lost everything beautiful I can only wish I could have been more forgiving and a real man. I told her I forgave her for what happened, but my heart really never moved on until days before I told her. I can only wish I would have read some posts in here, maybe I would have not made the mistake I did. Now I only wish she can give me a chance to show her that I have finally moved on and are so hurt for all the negative things I have ever told her and done while we were together. If you ever experience someone cheating on you like I did just days before we got together, just forgive and forget. I have ruined my life because I filed to let it go and look at the positive things that I had.


And please believe me that revenge will always make things worse. I know the replies I am going to get here will be negative. But I deserve to hear what an A-hole I have been. All I ask for now is for her forgiveness and the forgiveness of God. I have nothing else but that in my life now. The pain is too much and my heart has shattered, specially listening to her cry over my stupidities.

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3 years ago  ::  Oct 26, 2011 - 7:30PM #135
REteach
Posts: 14,551

The marriage isn't over until the divorce papers are signed. After she is over the shock, she might be willing to talk.  You both might benefit from counseling.  I wish you luck.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Oct 26, 2011 - 9:58PM #136
southernpeach
Posts: 21

Hi! I was just wondering does anybody have any advice for someone who has been cheated on. My husband just told me last night that he cheated on me months back with a family friend ( some one I thought was a friend may I add) our marriage has not been in great shape for a while. I can not deny that it does not hurt but decided that what we have had with each other is not worth throwing away ( she is not worth it), we have had a diffcult past and has stood by his side through a lot. I belive I can get through this and that in the long run we may be better off.

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3 years ago  ::  Oct 27, 2011 - 12:23AM #137
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

Oct 26, 2011 -- 9:58PM, southernpeach wrote:

Hi! I was just wondering does anybody have any advice for someone who has been cheated on. My husband just told me last night that he cheated on me months back with a family friend ( some one I thought was a friend may I add) our marriage has not been in great shape for a while. I can not deny that it does not hurt but decided that what we have had with each other is not worth throwing away ( she is not worth it), we have had a diffcult past and has stood by his side through a lot. I belive I can get through this and that in the long run we may be better off.


Peach-
i would advise that you cause him some consequences and right away.
Perhaps you could insist on closing all joint accounts and credit cards, for starters, then insist upon couple's counseling, maybe even parenting classes.

SOMEthing.

IME and from my observation, if you give someone a figurative slap on the wrist for a serious violation, they will not take the violation seriously enough as it appears that YOU don't take it seriously. 

Unfortunately, many men are like dogs caught peeing where they shouldn't have; unless you catch them in the act and smack them on the nose with a newspaper right away, the bad behavior will first be repeated, then become a habit.

Do not forgive too soon.  Keep forgiveness in mind, and hold it out like a carrot, but smack him with a stick until he gets just how much this hurt you(a figurative stick; a literal stick---or baseball bat---will just get you jailtime).

Also, you need to make it clear that if he EVER does this again, he will be headed for divorce court, along with all that naturally comes from those places...including lots of bills, legal and otherwise.

Unless, of course, you're ok with being treated badly, in which case i wish you well in your master-slave relationship.

Warmest regards-

Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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3 years ago  ::  Oct 27, 2011 - 8:05AM #138
REteach
Posts: 14,551

From personal experience, I disagree with Hatman--although it depends. If he is really sorry and really plans to stay, then punishment seems pointless--he should be punishing himself suffiently.  Look to yourself, too.  You said things were rocky--can you do things better?


For me, given future happiness vs present vengence, I'll take the future happiness.  I have been the one cheated on, 29 years ago.  We are very happy now. The only consequences occurred while he was gone--closing the checking account etc. Once he came back physically and commitment-wise, it was past.  I never hit him over the head with it. He tells me this made a big difference for him. 


I guess I think there is a difference between being an ass and acting like one. You can't fix being an ass, but everybody acts like an ass occasionally.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Oct 27, 2011 - 3:42PM #139
southernpeach
Posts: 21

Right now we have decided to give it two months before doing to much of anything legal wise like possibly divorce. I have already gave him the consequences if he ever did it again that there would be no forgiveness. I honestly had no idea and he could of kept the lie going but he couldn't deal with the guilt. Like said given it two months to see how he feels and how I feel at the end of it, in the mean time we said we would work on our communication and friendship, but have done told him if in the long run if we decided to be togther we would have to get conseling.

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3 years ago  ::  Oct 27, 2011 - 7:36PM #140
REteach
Posts: 14,551

Good luck.  We celebrated our 33rd anniversary in May. We are best friends and lovers.  It can happen.  In a sense, it was probably the best thing that happened to our marriage because we really realized just how much we had to lose. 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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