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Switch to Forum Live View Do you ever really get over being cheated on?
3 years ago  ::  Sep 19, 2011 - 9:17PM #121
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

LL718-


Is it really necessary to tell the other woman that you "forgive" her?  She may feel that she's done nothing that NEEDS to be forgiven, and your intention, however noble, is likely to not only fall on deaf ears, but start a fight.


OTOH, you DO need to forgive her, but in your heart and with your deeds in future.  Holding hatred and resentment in your heart toward another is like taking Arsenic and hoping the other dies; iow, forgiving her in YOUR heart, privately, will release your pain and allow you to move on.


But in truth, neither love nor hate allows one to move on---indifference does.  If you still love him, you still feel attached to him---same with hating him(and her, or both).  When you can get to the point of saying to yourself(and MEANING it) "Neither one of them matter in my life any longer," then you'll be free indeed.


Warmest regards-


Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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3 years ago  ::  Sep 22, 2011 - 11:59AM #122
Livinglife718
Posts: 7

Sep 19, 2011 -- 9:15PM, REteach wrote:

I suspect she is not waiting for nor wanting your forgiveness.  I suspect she would view it differently than you mean it.  I think you can go ahead and forgive her, but I wouldn't contact her and tell her that.  At least, not unless you are in frequent contact with her anyway. Anyway, that is what I think. 


Yea i guess...she says she loves him so im guessing she wouldent care. i dont kno but what are other way i can try to move on from this or help me move on from this???

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3 years ago  ::  Sep 22, 2011 - 12:06PM #123
Livinglife718
Posts: 7

I guess so ...but she still claims shes all in love with him so i guess she really wouldent care i think its childish that she would say stuff about me....but anyways i just want to kno any other way to help me go thrue this and try to move on some more

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3 years ago  ::  Sep 22, 2011 - 8:46PM #124
REteach
Posts: 15,157

Then write the letter, but tear it up instead of giving it to her.  If you give it to her, especially given how she apparently feels, it will just feel as if you are taunting her.  If that is really your goal, it isn't forgiveness.  If you have really forgiven her, just write her behavior off as sadly pathetic, feel vaguely sorry for her, and go on with your life.  

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Sep 30, 2011 - 6:46PM #125
Anniesheart2
Posts: 35

I think in giving forgiveness, it is for you. It helps you to release what they did, and to start moving forward and healing. It is such a difficult road, but it is doable. I am a little more than 6 months out, and our marriage is improving. I openly forgave my daughter in law when she came to me, but would never go out of my way towards the others. I believe it would create such turmoil in me, as well as either open doors for them again, or create such a turmoil in their present lives, not worth it at all. I tell myself just about everyday now, that I forgive them.


My husband, I told him that I forgave him in the first week, and I also tell myself just about every day that I forgive him. It is a very powerful tool, for me, towards healing.


As Reteach has said, if you are going to go forward, you have to without the baggage to drag it back down. My husband doesn't want to talk about it much, and the first 3 or 4 weeks we did somewhat. Details were never given, he changed his story a couple of times, but then remained firm in it. He does not like to have it brought up, and I realize now that the pain and hurt he feels was intense as well. I know through his actions, his emotions, his tone in his voice, that he was and is truly sorry.


Another thing Reteach had said, and to me a very important part, is that you have to look at yourself and see what you did or did not contribute to this marriage (relationship). It does not justify what the cheating spouse did, but it helps you to realize what you could have done differently, and thus, learning a life lesson, that can improve the quality of the marriage from here on, or not ever making the mistake again.


I have reflected on what she wrote, and took a deep look at myself, whom I am, and my own actions. I know from looking back, that if I had reacted differently, then I probably would not have suffered as such. It is a two way street. I do agree that some cheaters are cheaters because they want to and can. Not because of circumstances. I do believe mine was circumstances, grief, anger, jealousy. It doesn't matter.


What does matter is that I continue to grow myself, and in God, with His love, I am making continuous growth. I have learned so much about me, and have released so much pain, misery, desparation, anger, bitterness, hate, not just from this, but from as far back as I can remember. This has been the good out of this situation. I am much happier, I am remembering and reading scriptures, they are helping me understand what it is that I am supposed to do. Everyday, I ask the Holy Spirit and God to help me be loving, kind, caring, understanding, in my words, actions and thoughts.


I read Battlefield of the Minds by Joyce Meyers, and this book helped me to release alot, understand alot, and now improve my life in His way. As I have done this, I have noticed a difference in the way people address me, look at me, converse with me, spend time with me, and the most important is the way my husband does.


Reteach, you showed me a valuable lesson, and all the others here that are sharing. I am making good progress, we both are, and there are days that are difficult, but we can get through them. My faith in God has grown so much, that as soon as I start praying, I feel calmness.


Thanks, there is hope for all, if you truly want it to work out. If you don't think the love is there, search a little deeper. When this started Ididn't feel so much feelings for him. But, I also new that over the last few years that I had put some really strong walls around my heart to protect me. When you don't feel emotions, feelings, its not good. I decided to let them down, and now I remember my love for him and it is growing. I may be headed for another heartbreak, but at least I can say I gave my love the best I could, and I know that I can continue to love no matter. It is better to love than not to.


Thanks again.

Anniesheart2
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3 years ago  ::  Sep 30, 2011 - 6:51PM #126
Anniesheart2
Posts: 35

I don't want to come across as if I have given in to my husband, our relation now is so much better than ever. We talk, actually talk, he shares with me where he has been, who called, what he is doing. We are sharing activities together, some that had brought us together in the beginning, that we quit doing. We spend time together and based on my intuition and instinct, all is ok. I didn't trust them back then, and now I know better.

Anniesheart2
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3 years ago  ::  Oct 01, 2011 - 11:30AM #127
REteach
Posts: 15,157

I'm happy for you Annie.  It can be done.  :)

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Oct 02, 2011 - 12:08AM #128
Vashawn
Posts: 2

Feb 9, 2009 -- 6:30PM, ladysky wrote:

About 3 years ago I found out my husband cheated on me.  I found out threw a letter from domestics, that came to my house.  The girl was taking him for support.  At the time I was 5 months pregnant with my son, who is now 3.  I have forgiven him. it took awhile, but sometimes i can't get it out of my head.  I need to get passed  this if i want my marrige to work, but how do you let go?


Let go and let God do it, give all your problems to him and watch him see you throughSmile

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3 years ago  ::  Oct 02, 2011 - 12:41AM #129
Vashawn
Posts: 2

Sep 30, 2011 -- 6:51PM, Anniesheart2 wrote:

I don't want to come across as if I have given in to my husband, our relation now is so much better than ever. We talk, actually talk, he shares with me where he has been, who called, what he is doing. We are sharing activities together, some that had brought us together in the beginning, that we quit doing. We spend time together and based on my intuition and instinct, all is ok. I didn't trust them back then, and now I know better.


Yield yourself to the guidance of his wisdom. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God. James 1:5


Then trust in tSmilehe wisdom God gives you, and you will begin to see your efforts bearing fruit.  Smile  

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3 years ago  ::  Oct 03, 2011 - 1:55PM #130
Anniesheart2
Posts: 35

Vashawn, I went and read the whole chapter, and the first section was so cool. Yes, I have been asking God to guide me throughout this, and I have to say that it has been amazing.


I have been trying to leave it all up to Him, and have been asking Him to guide me as He sees fit. This has been one of the most difficult times that I have ever been through in my life, but I see it as such a valuable lesson for me. I have learned how to pray over again, and this time, I know my prayers are being answered and looked at. I have felt His presence in my life.


I have learned to read scriptures at my pace, and I reread them, look over them, read what is suggested and then start at the beginning of those chapters and books. I have been amazed at what I am getting out of it.


I have asked the Holy Spirit to guide me daily in my thoughts, my actions and my words, to keep my thoughts good and kind and loving. I never really thought about what I thought, and it has been transforming for me.


I never knew how negative I was until all of this came about. And being happy and peaceful has been so gratifying for me, and I know that my family is seeing something, as well as my customers, friends and just others that I am around. Why does it take such a life-changing event to open your eyes, to realize what you have?


I thank all of you here, and I pray for all that I have come into contact with, as I feel you are all my sisters and brothers. One other thing that I have learned, in addition to asking forgiveness, is asking for blessings for all involved. That was really hard for me, but I think that I understand it now.

Anniesheart2
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