Feb 19, 2009 -- 10:23AM, appy20 wrote:

The problem with accepting responsibility for someone else cheating is that gives everyone the right to cheat.  In other words, if my spouse is not perfect, I can cheat.  Since no one is perfect, that pretty much opens the door to cheating. I see that women get a disproportionate part of the blame here.  Men are to be forgiven and women are to be punished.  It is a pattern.   I have yet to see a list of allowed imperfections that women are permitted to have.  Also, this view does not take account biology. Some people are biologically wired to cheat.  It isn't fair or accurate to blame their partner for that.  Women have been getting the blame for male biology since the dawn of time.  Also, women with mental illnesses are prone to cheating and it isn't fair to their partners to be blamed, in any part, for that.

Another thing that really irks me is that I don't believe that cheating partners are entitled to perfect spouses.  If I am cheated on and found to be imperfect, I just think that it is not fair to work all that hard to make myself perfect for someone who is going to cheat if I don't.  Someone who is also not perfect in addition to cheating.  That kind of keeps one partner jumping through hoops all of the time.  Just because a person cheats on their spouse does not mean they are perfect in other ways.  That mentality that says "hey, I cheated on you, you better shape up" really sticks in my craw. 

If someone cheated on me (and no one ever has), I would work to improve myself but I am not going to waste those improvements on a cheater.  I am going to leave, find someone who can love me enough even when I am not perfect and who won't use my imperfections as an excuse to replace me.  All of us have a right to grow and should not be unduly punished for not being born perfect. 

No, cheating should not wreck a person but nor should it compel someone to stay in a relationship with a cheater.  It only enables the cheater.  It perpetuates the genes.  It certainly benefits a lot of cheaters. 

Another thing that irks me is that staying with cheaters hurts those of us who value and want monogamy.  Why?  Because chances are if you forgive your spouse, you are going to have children by him.  Those children will carry and perpetuate those genes.  Even though those genes enabled us to survive, we need more than survival now.  Monogamy also has value.

We have plenty of  infidelity genes floating around.  Since we do not have as many lethal STDs, we don't have nature's way of balancing things out.  Also, since monogamous people tend to have fewer offspring by multiple partners their genes are not spread as much.  Quantity is not better than quality. Monogamy could become extinct.  75% of adopted males whose biological fathers cheat, will cheat even when adopted at birth.  That is twice as high as those adopted who had monogamous biological fathers.

I think one reason that more women are cheating than ever is because monogamy genes are dying out.  I just think there needs to be a balance and monogamy should be an option for those that want it.  No one is doing anyone a favor by remaining with cheating partners.  Look folks, being alone is NOT THAT BAD.  If you genuinely like yourself, you can live without a cheater and be happy.

IMO, to put up with cheating, you have to be desperately afraid of being alone.

interesting thought, ok i am assuming you are a man, right? well i have cheated on my husband, i to your philisophy about it not being the spouse fault to an extent. my husband is treated like a king,not to justify anthing that i have done, but in all honest he did play a role in me cheating, he neglected me, took me for granted, never appreciated what i would do for him, he made me feel unworthy of his love, and yes i still stayed with him,i made the mistake of cheating and told him and now he doesnt forgive me but yet he doesnt want us to separate explain that to me, why? obviously he cant forgive me why be with me, we dont have sex , we fight all the time, it's awful. let me know your opinion on this.

Unforgiven,

I think cheating is a serious thing.  It isn't a "mistake."  It is a very dishonest, disloyal thing to do to a mate. I believe that if your mate is so horrible that he/she would make you be dishonorable and disloyal, then the relationship should be ended--before a new relationship begins.  If someone is so bad that they deserve to be cheated on, then they should be divorced.  I think that forgiveness is a very important part of a relationship but there are some things, imo, that are unforgivable.  Just a few.  Violence, criminal activity, drug and alcohol addictions, and adultery.  Everything else, I think should be worked through.  Including feeling neglected, whatever.  If you are neglected because he does not love you, then you must leave but I don't think you should cheat.  There is nothing that could make me cheat.  If anyone I were involved with were that bad, I would leave first.  If I were committed to that person, I would attempt to fix every problem we had except for violence, drug addiction/alcoholism, criminal behavior and adultery.  There are some things, very few things, that are automatic deal breakers. Adultery is one of them.

I do believe that one reason we have so much adultery now is because in the past, people did not leave adulterers and just bore their children, thus passing on their genes.  I do believe that monogamy is threatened.  Actually, I think it is dead which is why I have no interest, whatsover, in dating or marriage.  I will never date again and have not had a date in 17 years.  The dating pool is very shallow.  Most of the men here where I live that are available for dating were dumped by their wives for cheating, violence or drug/alcohol addiction.  I have no use for that.  I am female. Life is too short to live without honor, respect and safety.

Unforgiven,

That is kind of the problem with failing to fish or cut bait, isn't it?  I do not hold with cheating, but I also do not think that cheating necessarily means a person is a bad person.   I think the noncheating spouse, if they want the marriage to continue, also needs to look at what behaviors on their part may have contributed.

What I am hearing is that you do not really love your husband and he has not forgiven you, and is unwiling to make any changes to make things work.  Why are you together?  Have you had couples counseling?  Would he be demonstrative if he knew it truly meant losing you otherwise?  Are you willing to be faithful, or at least get out of the marriage before having another partner?  

I can tell you it can take years for the pain and hurt and betrayal to go away even in the presence of good behavior.  If you want this to work, you need to acknowledge that you really did screw up, and although his behavior may have contributed, you were the one who misbehaved.  

I can tell you that marriage can survive and even thrive after infidelity, but it takes a long time for the wounds to heal.  You screwed up.  It is going to be hard for a while.  Either admit you do not love him and never will again and leave, or see if he is willing to go to counseling and work out the problems.  There is no magic wand that will take away his pain.  OTOH, I don't see where giving up everything that is you to hang on to him helps either of you.  You will need to find a path through this and there are going to be a lot of thorns. 

Beliefnet recently interviewed one man that overcame the devastating news that his wife was leaving him for someone else. Check out his story of pain and forgiveness:

How to Forgive After an Affair:

www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Relationsh...

I suspect she is not waiting for nor wanting your forgiveness.  I suspect she would view it differently than you mean it.  I think you can go ahead and forgive her, but I wouldn't contact her and tell her that.  At least, not unless you are in frequent contact with her anyway. Anyway, that is what I think.