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Switch to Forum Live View Do you ever really get over being cheated on?
3 years ago  ::  Jan 16, 2011 - 1:15PM #61
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

Jan 14, 2011 -- 3:53PM, ApollosSun wrote:

Very recently i was cheated on by my girlfriend...the pain is so severe that sometimes i cant even do the simplest of tasks and my heart feels as if its forever broken.


Yep; sucks to be betrayed.  Personally, a woman betrays me, she's history.  She's shown the evidence of her character, and it's neither faithful nor loyal.  Buh-bye.

She keeps coming back saying how she loves me and that we can fix this but for some reason i just cant see how it can.


Completely understandable.

whenever im with her or touch her hand or look at her i think that she's not mine anymore and that she's tainted by some other man.


Do you think she was ever with anyone else before you?  She was who she was when she met you, and will be who she is tomorrow as well as today.

I feel like i need to move on but i cant for some reason...


There must be some other lesson for her to teach you, then.  Hopefully, that lesson is not that you are a glutton for punishment.

i feel hope that we can stay together and i want this to work but the outbreaks of anger and the tears have taken its toll on me and i don't know what to do......


Well, whatever you do, do NOT forgive her too easily or too swiftly.  Tell her what she can do to earn your trust again, and make certain to tell her that if she ever has a sexual encounter with anyone again, that's the end.  She's your history.  See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya. 
As for what she could do?  Here's some suggestions:
Total transparency.  No secret email accounts, secret contacts with other men OR women by any means whatsoever.
Complete access at any time to her cellphone records(all of them, all the phones, all texts), computer browsing history, and emails; no secret phones, secret email accounts, secret letters smuggled in and out.
Put a time limit on these restrictions, say a year and a half or so.  If, during this time, she ever betrays you to the slightest degree, again, "see ya!"
Make her pay you for her betrayal of trust; what do you think your tears and anger are worth, say in court?  500 bux?  A thousand?  Ten thousand?

The thing is, there must be consequences.  If there are no consequences, there's no real repentance.  What should she give up to show that she means what she says, that her word is worth more than squat?  IME, if you forgive someone too soon, or the consequences for that betrayal are not high enough, the bad behavior will soon repeat itself; she'll go back to it like a moth to a light bulb.  OTOH, the consequences must not be TOO high, or SHE'll think that you aren't worth the trouble.  It's a tough balance.

Personally, like i said---ONE betrayal is enough to send her packin'.  But in my case, i make it clear at the beginning of a relationship what my deal-breakers are, and i'm a man of my word.

Warmest regards-

Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 02, 2011 - 4:38PM #62
TitaniumOrchid
Posts: 5
Hello all-

I've been away from b-net for quite some time; I needed to focus on being more active in the outside world.   It seems that it was a good thing to "poke my head out of the sand."  I've finally begun to pursue my dream of becoming an artist and taking better care of myself.  I've overcome many obstacles and am on the path to creating a wonderful life for myself and my children.  

It seems, however, that my husband of 13 years did not share the same joy for my new found independence.  I found out over the summer that he's been having an affair for almost 2 years with a woman who pretended to be my friend.  All my alarms were going off for about a year, but I had  no proof, and I certainly never thought this woman was the one he would choose.  Now that I look on it though, it makes sense.  She is the complete opposite of what I have become.  She's a very weak person- she used text and call me, crying for advice and falling apart over the smallest issues.  She has a serious alcohol problem as well, which would be another draw for my husband, whom I've finally accepted as an alcoholic.  Of course he would find someone who supports his sick world view. 

The destructive sense of betrayal and loss still interrupts my thoughts- not only to have the man I vowed to love forever turn on me in this way, but to know they were able to carry this sick relationship on right under my nose, and those of our friends-  it's beyond my comprehension.  I can't even begin to describe how their betrayal ripped me apart-- I literally felt ( and sometimes still feel) like my heart has exploded into a thousand pieces.

I know I'm slowly growing stronger each day, but I still find my thoughts wandering to their  manipulations and lies- sometimes it's the first thing I think about in the morning, and I don't want to spend my energy focusing on it. 

I have three beautiful children with this man-  I've made the decision to divorce him-  and I see  the hate I sensed deep in him for years is coming out in terrifying ways.  He's not physically abusive ( except for the time he ripped the computer out of my arms when I found all his e-mails...), but his lies and tricks are evil.  How can he be so horrible?  I recognize I need to stay focused on the divorce, on moving forward.  I feel he's been hiding money and attempting to ruin our credit- I need to pull the strength together for fight for my future, not wallow in the past, licking my wounds.

She's just as horrifying- the two are on a campaign to destroy my reputation- whether I want to hear it or not, I keep finding out they've both been very busy spreading lies and gossip about me to cover for their mistakes.  I've heard a person can swing back and forth on a pendulum- going between one extreme to the other romantically- I don't know what he was going through when we first got together, but she matches

I have good friends who love me, but they're all shying away from the drama.  Sometimes I understand it- they're all tucked neatly into their married lives, and I'm sure it's hard to see close friends shattered in this way. I'm too close to home for them- deep down, they know it could happen to anyone.  I'm just a reminder of that- and who wants to see it every day?

I know this isn't logical, but I feel so alone most of the time- I've taken to imagining myself being held in the arms of God at bedtime so I can drift off to sleep.  Parts of my mind know I'm making the right moves to better my life and my children, but the road feels so steep right now.  

I guess all I'm doing is asking for a little life-saver-  the waves are pretty choppy out here... I'm grateful I stumbled onto this chat-room...even if it is just to hear myself think out loud.
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 03, 2011 - 4:33PM #63
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
TO-
i'm sorry for the pain of betrayal, multiplied by the deliberate lies and slander being published hither and yon about you.

i'm glad you're divorcing yourself both from him AND that mess.

What i would advise you is to first, take stock of the situation.  When your husband is not around, go take photographs of all your property, including all bankbooks, credit card statements, insurance policies, stocks, bonds, titles, deeds---all the important paperwork---then either rent a storage space, a safe-deposit box, or leave your evidence with a trusted friend or relative that he does not know (or hates).

Visit www.divorcecare.com, find out if there's a meeting near you, and go.

Get your yellow pages out, and call all the attorneys that offer "initial consultation free," take all your questions with you, and get answers to them---then revise your list of questions, go to the next divorce attorney, and so on.  It may well be that you discover enough on your own to be able to go to arbitration rather than lose assets battling in court(s).  If you have time, you might also wish to visit a public law library, and read up on the statutes concerning divorce in your State, as well---once you take notes, you may well be better-informed than most divorce attorneys you go to, anyway!

You might also wish to contact the "Big Three" credit reporting agencies to find out if your stbx has gotten any credit cards you don't know about.  You might be able to stop the bleeding by running an ad in any local "newspaper of general circulation" in your area that states that after a date certain, you will no longer be responsible for ANY debt your stbx might run up.  (if you look in your local paper, you may see similar ads in the "Legal Notices" section, iirc.)  But that would certainly be one of the questions to have answered.

As you are no doubt more aware than most, when the stbx senses the end of the gravy train, they will often become quite vindictive, breaking or "losing" cherished items or heirlooms, maxing out credit cards, selling or hiding assets, etc.  There is something called a "Financial forensicologist"(or something like that); those of this profession have made it their BUSINESS to do the equivalent of a proctology exam or IRS audit on someone's financial transactions and history.  You may wish to ask questions concerning how to track all assets of your stbx, too.

Finally, i am glad that you are becoming more independent, finding what you love to do, and doing it; ultimately, you will need to forgive your stbx---for holding on to resentments and anger about him will be much like your taking poison every day, hoping he dies.

You'll be in my prayers.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 05, 2011 - 2:38PM #64
TitaniumOrchid
Posts: 5

Hatman,

Wow- thank you so much for the great advice.  I love it- cut through all the stuff and focus on what needs to be done.   I still battle with being stuck in my own head sometimes, and I also realize I avoid the battle because I'm not an aggressive person by nature.

I do have an attorney already, and she's asking if I think I need a Private Eye.  A forensic accountant sounds like more of a plan- it's better to play pro-active.  I also love the idea of looking for a Law Library- I never considered it would be available to the public.

I've loved reading all the support you offer to everyone here; I'm so grateful to find a place I can come and not feel so alone.

Also, for anyone reading this post who needs walk this path, I'd like to say Debbie Ford's Spiritual Divorce  is a fantastic resource. 

With gratitude and blessings,

Titanium Orchid 

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3 years ago  ::  Feb 05, 2011 - 5:31PM #65
TOYF
Posts: 1

Feb 19, 2009 -- 10:23AM, appy20 wrote:

The problem with accepting responsibility for someone else cheating is that gives everyone the right to cheat.  In other words, if my spouse is not perfect, I can cheat.  Since no one is perfect, that pretty much opens the door to cheating. I see that women get a disproportionate part of the blame here.  Men are to be forgiven and women are to be punished.  It is a pattern.   I have yet to see a list of allowed imperfections that women are permitted to have.  Also, this view does not take account biology. Some people are biologically wired to cheat.  It isn't fair or accurate to blame their partner for that.  Women have been getting the blame for male biology since the dawn of time.  Also, women with mental illnesses are prone to cheating and it isn't fair to their partners to be blamed, in any part, for that.

Another thing that really irks me is that I don't believe that cheating partners are entitled to perfect spouses.  If I am cheated on and found to be imperfect, I just think that it is not fair to work all that hard to make myself perfect for someone who is going to cheat if I don't.  Someone who is also not perfect in addition to cheating.  That kind of keeps one partner jumping through hoops all of the time.  Just because a person cheats on their spouse does not mean they are perfect in other ways.  That mentality that says "hey, I cheated on you, you better shape up" really sticks in my craw. 

If someone cheated on me (and no one ever has), I would work to improve myself but I am not going to waste those improvements on a cheater.  I am going to leave, find someone who can love me enough even when I am not perfect and who won't use my imperfections as an excuse to replace me.  All of us have a right to grow and should not be unduly punished for not being born perfect. 

No, cheating should not wreck a person but nor should it compel someone to stay in a relationship with a cheater.  It only enables the cheater.  It perpetuates the genes.  It certainly benefits a lot of cheaters. 

Another thing that irks me is that staying with cheaters hurts those of us who value and want monogamy.  Why?  Because chances are if you forgive your spouse, you are going to have children by him.  Those children will carry and perpetuate those genes.  Even though those genes enabled us to survive, we need more than survival now.  Monogamy also has value.

We have plenty of  infidelity genes floating around.  Since we do not have as many lethal STDs, we don't have nature's way of balancing things out.  Also, since monogamous people tend to have fewer offspring by multiple partners their genes are not spread as much.  Quantity is not better than quality. Monogamy could become extinct.  75% of adopted males whose biological fathers cheat, will cheat even when adopted at birth.  That is twice as high as those adopted who had monogamous biological fathers.

I think one reason that more women are cheating than ever is because monogamy genes are dying out.  I just think there needs to be a balance and monogamy should be an option for those that want it.  No one is doing anyone a favor by remaining with cheating partners.  Look folks, being alone is NOT THAT BAD.  If you genuinely like yourself, you can live without a cheater and be happy.

IMO, to put up with cheating, you have to be desperately afraid of being alone.


thank you, your words really hit home for me as i just found  out my husband has been carrying on for 2 1/2 years, his Father cheated and his uncle he seems truly remorseful but I don't believe this will ever change. 

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3 years ago  ::  Feb 06, 2011 - 4:15PM #66
TitaniumOrchid
Posts: 5
TOYF,

Wow- thank you for finding this and re-posting.  I've battled with the same guilt over what happened on and off too.  People can blame their "Genes" for everything, and the same goes for upbringing.  

 At what point do people grow up and take responsibility for their own actions?  I think that's what it all boils down to in the end.  Too many people these days haven't learned how to be adults on many levels-  cheating is just another symptom of their selfish tendencies.  My stbx has always behaved like a teenager, and I spent way too much time punishing myself for not being good enough for him.  My problem obviously stemmed from low self-esteem, and I needed to realize I deserved much better than the crumbs he threw my way. 

I'm sorry to hear you're going through the same thing- I hope you have great friends who will support you through the pain. 

Strength and Prayers,

TO
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 06, 2011 - 7:54PM #67
MS. E.
Posts: 6

Jan 16, 2011 -- 1:15PM, Hatman wrote:

Jan 14, 2011 -- 3:53PM, ApollosSun wrote:

Very recently i was cheated on by my girlfriend...the pain is so severe that sometimes i cant even do the simplest of tasks and my heart feels as if its forever broken.


Yep; sucks to be betrayed.  Personally, a woman betrays me, she's history.  She's shown the evidence of her character, and it's neither faithful nor loyal.  Buh-bye.

She keeps coming back saying how she loves me and that we can fix this but for some reason i just cant see how it can.


Completely understandable.

whenever im with her or touch her hand or look at her i think that she's not mine anymore and that she's tainted by some other man.


Do you think she was ever with anyone else before you?  She was who she was when she met you, and will be who she is tomorrow as well as today.

I feel like i need to move on but i cant for some reason...


There must be some other lesson for her to teach you, then.  Hopefully, that lesson is not that you are a glutton for punishment.

i feel hope that we can stay together and i want this to work but the outbreaks of anger and the tears have taken its toll on me and i don't know what to do......


Well, whatever you do, do NOT forgive her too easily or too swiftly.  Tell her what she can do to earn your trust again, and make certain to tell her that if she ever has a sexual encounter with anyone again, that's the end.  She's your history.  See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya. 
As for what she could do?  Here's some suggestions:
Total transparency.  No secret email accounts, secret contacts with other men OR women by any means whatsoever.
Complete access at any time to her cellphone records(all of them, all the phones, all texts), computer browsing history, and emails; no secret phones, secret email accounts, secret letters smuggled in and out.
Put a time limit on these restrictions, say a year and a half or so.  If, during this time, she ever betrays you to the slightest degree, again, "see ya!"
Make her pay you for her betrayal of trust; what do you think your tears and anger are worth, say in court?  500 bux?  A thousand?  Ten thousand?

The thing is, there must be consequences.  If there are no consequences, there's no real repentance.  What should she give up to show that she means what she says, that her word is worth more than squat?  IME, if you forgive someone too soon, or the consequences for that betrayal are not high enough, the bad behavior will soon repeat itself; she'll go back to it like a moth to a light bulb.  OTOH, the consequences must not be TOO high, or SHE'll think that you aren't worth the trouble.  It's a tough balance.

Personally, like i said---ONE betrayal is enough to send her packin'.  But in my case, i make it clear at the beginning of a relationship what my deal-breakers are, and i'm a man of my word.

Warmest regards-

Hatman


Trust me you will get over  this heart break, time heal all wounds life goes on just think this person just done you a favor. The best is yet to come.

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3 years ago  ::  Feb 08, 2011 - 11:23PM #68
MrsBeBe
Posts: 1
I am currently working on trying to forgive my husband. Per her nothing happened. They met 1 time in a public place and only talked via text and email. She had no clue he was married but found but later he had a son per him. Which is his step son. I found out with my own investigating. We have been married for 2 years now and this started after our 2nd anniversary, trife right. Everyone can come up with an excuse but everyon has a choice in my book. I could choose to things but when your married your choice was to honor your vows (supposedly). He tld her he was going out of town for a week and that was the end..per her. HE was signed up to a site and even lied aout the emails I had seen. I guess I had fool on my forehead. Our marriage may not be 100% perfect but who's is???? I find it to be a selfish act that left me without an option but yet  begging for forgiveness and new desires to make our marrieage work. Right now I am torn, due to my principles about cheating. I am not scared to be alone nor feel I need a man to validate me. But or some reason I am still inthis marriage trying to forgive this act. Mind you this happened in September 2010 so its still new to me. In a slight battle but still wondering will I trust him again 100%....but I know if I cant we will have to divorce.
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 10, 2011 - 6:58PM #69
Bezant
Posts: 1,338

Jan 14, 2011 -- 3:53PM, ApollosSun wrote:


Very recently i was cheated on by my girlfriend...the pain is so severe that sometimes i cant even do the simplest of tasks and my heart feels as if its forever broken.



I sympathise with your distress.

Jan 14, 2011 -- 3:53PM, ApollosSun wrote:


She keeps coming back saying how she loves me and that we can fix this but for some reason i just cant see how it can.




What Hatman said, completely understandable.


Jan 14, 2011 -- 3:53PM, ApollosSun wrote:


whenever im with her or touch her hand or look at her i think that she's not mine anymore and that she's tainted by some other man. I feel like i need to move on but i cant for some reason...i feel hope that we can stay together and i want this to work but the outbreaks of anger and the tears have taken its toll on me and i don't know what to do......




You will have made your decision by now, but whatever the outcome I discourage you from taking any action that causes you more stress than you can tolerate. If a relationship is causing you ongoing stress -- it ain't worth it.

Personally I think if you cheat once your word has no value. "I love you" and "I'm sorry" are the most abused phrases in the English language, and it shouldn't be said if it's not meant. If she wanted the 'other' person, she should have broken the commitment honourably.

Marriages IMO and long-term comitted relationships (e.g. when a couple lives together, or children are involved, 18+ months) are a bit different, and for these I would advise a little more patience, consideration, and compromise, within reasonable limits.

But for shorter-term relationships, I think, unless the unfaithful partner is both sincere and worth the reconciliation (e.g., you care about her and unfaithfulness is not a dealbreaker), it's better to move on.

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3 years ago  ::  Feb 10, 2011 - 7:05PM #70
Bezant
Posts: 1,338

Feb 8, 2011 -- 11:23PM, MrsBeBe wrote:

I am currently working on trying to forgive my husband. Per her nothing happened. They met 1 time in a public place and only talked via text and email. She had no clue he was married but found but later he had a son per him. Which is his step son. I found out with my own investigating. We have been married for 2 years now and this started after our 2nd anniversary, trife right. Everyone can come up with an excuse but everyon has a choice in my book. I could choose to things but when your married your choice was to honor your vows (supposedly). He tld her he was going out of town for a week and that was the end..per her. HE was signed up to a site and even lied aout the emails I had seen. I guess I had fool on my forehead. Our marriage may not be 100% perfect but who's is???? I find it to be a selfish act that left me without an option but yet  begging for forgiveness and new desires to make our marrieage work. Right now I am torn, due to my principles about cheating. I am not scared to be alone nor feel I need a man to validate me. But or some reason I am still inthis marriage trying to forgive this act. Mind you this happened in September 2010 so its still new to me. In a slight battle but still wondering will I trust him again 100%....but I know if I cant we will have to divorce.




I think you'll overcome this situation, whichever way it ends.

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