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Switch to Forum Live View Do you ever really get over being cheated on?
5 years ago  ::  Aug 14, 2009 - 2:54AM #51
bayee
Posts: 9

Hello,


     I somehow got in your group accidently and I am very sorry.   But what is so strange the subject that was talked about was Men cheating.  That is very strange because I have a group here also about the same subject.  It seems most of us women have about the same attitude and experience with our man.  I have been married for 38 years and this began in my life with my husband before we were married; but I did not know anything about it.  But you see, I got pregnant to which I was so careful and to this day, I cannot believe that I messed up and got pregnant.  I kept telling my Doctor he had to be wrong because I took precaution and was very careful..... but I guess something evidently went wrong, because I got pregnant anyway.  I was living at home with my Mother.  I had already been accept to go the College at 17 years old. 


     Thruout my teenage years, I loved only one other guy and the family had to move away out of town.  We did everything together and talked about everything and talked about things we wanted to do in our life.  I never had relations with him, only my husband.  But, my husband was good friends with my 2 brothers and my sisters boyfriend, so he began to come to the house quite a lot.  I use to love to dance!!!  I was also a cheerleader and loved it.  I use to teach other girls how to dance and my husband would get behind me and make fun of me and everyone would laugh at him, until I smack him.  But as time went on, we started dating and going ot to movies and things and later on I was pregnant.


    To make a longer story short, we have been married for 38 years and I have been cheated on at least 5 times that I do know of and not for sure on more of them.  For all these years been married, I did not find out for positive he had all these affairs until 1 year ago.  And then he would not tell me all about them and why he did it.  He still has not said anything else about it.  He refuses to even talk about it at all.  I told him after him confirming what I already knew but was not sure; that was all he could say to me.  About 2 or 3 more different times I tried to get him for us to talk about us and what happened with him.  And what did I do or not do as to why he cheated?  Everyone new how good I was to him and also now.  I have wrote him letters left for him when he got up in the morning to read.  And he has NEVER ever said anything about them.  I am at the point that I am about to give up!


Yes, he says he loves me, but you cannot love someone and do what he did and not talk to your spouse about what happened and why.  We never have any personal talks, he only talks about other things and that is it.....


Sorry this was so long, but I guess I had to get this out. Do any of you have any suggestions?  What do you think about this?


Bayee


 

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3 years ago  ::  Nov 12, 2010 - 10:16AM #52
Mjvr1029
Posts: 2

I suspected for a long time, but always tried to give him the benefit of the doubt.  I just found out on Wednesday.  We're working through it.  I love him. I love our 3 kids. I don't want to hurt them, and even though he hurt me... so, so much, I don't want to hurt him.  He admitted that he was wrong, he said it was the worst thing he has ever done and the biggest mistake he has ever made.  He felt terrible for causing me so much pain. He said he would never do it again and that he woud do everything that he could to regain my trust. He asked for my forgiveness and a second chance. I gave him both.  But it still hurts. I think he was sincere.  I want to believe him.  Am I a fool?  Am I opening myself up for more heartbreak.  If I listen with my heart, I do not hear a lie in this, but my heart is broken and I don't know if it is hearing things right. I try not to dwell on what happened.  I try to think about healing and moving forward.


Still, I know that I am going through the inevitable stages of grief.  Denial lasted for so long. Depression... I'm working through that, I think I'm getting better. Yesterday, I was like a zombie. Moving through the day in a haze of pain and misery.  And then I got angry.  I know who she is, though I've never met her.  I wanted to ruin her.  I wanted to tell her husband about her and cause her so much pain... but I am not that person and I do not want to become that person.  And as much as I wanted to hurt her as she and my husband hurt me, I was not willing to bestow this pain upon her husband and children.  I would not want anyone to have to feel what I feel, though I know that so many of you understand it and have felt it, are feeling it yourselves.


I went to the gym today and punched and kicked a kicking tower until my knuckles turned red and the skin peeling.  It felt good.  My husband has been very attentive.  Telling me he loves me, saying that he is sorry, kissing me and holding me as he has not in so long. And I try not to think about the fact that he should have been doing this all along, and that he's only doing it now to make amends, and that if I had not found out that he wouldn't be doing it.  I try to be in the moment, try to be thankful that he is alive and well and with me, that our children are healthy and safe, that he has a good job and can support us, that we have a nice home... that I am blessed... that it could have been worse.


I would rather have him here with me, safe and healthy, and with all his imperfections, and even his infidelity... than dead and gone from my life. 


Yes, it hurts.  I still shake with pain from it.  I haven't eaten since I found out. But I know I'll get past this and that I'll come out of this stronger.  We will work together to make this marriage what it should be, to repair the damage that was done and rebuild it into something bigger, stronger, more beautiful.  It will take time.  I'm still healing.  I'm still hurting.  But I know that things will get better.

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3 years ago  ::  Nov 15, 2010 - 1:13PM #53
Mjvr1029
Posts: 2

I sure hope I can get over it.  I'm trying, any way. If you are reading this because it happened to you, feel free to read my blog.  Journaling helps me to process the thoughts and emotions I'm having.  That stuff is too long to post here, I think.

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3 years ago  ::  Nov 23, 2010 - 3:18PM #54
Loriag
Posts: 1

So I get a phone call from some guys stating that my husband has had an affair with his wife. Right. We have been together for 18 yrs and never once has he ever... Its not in his charactor to do this. All of his friends know this of him.


But there was proof. and my questioning him. It all came out that he was with this woman for a little over a month. And never slept together but she did perform oral sex on my husband. To my that is still concidered cheating, no matter what.


My husband is so very remorseful on everything that happened. He told me everything that I needed to know. But I still have so many questions.


I also feel that this was more of a wake up call for us. We just moved a yr ago and havent slept in the same bed for all this time. We have a young son and had to make time for any sex. Now that our son just turned 5 he told his dad, this is his bed and his room time to get out and sleep with mom.


That was the night I found out everything.


I still am trying to figure all this out and wonder if I can put it past us and move on.


I love him and know he loves me back. But the trust factor is gone for now.


How do I get over this and put it away so we can try to make our marriage work, better?


 

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3 years ago  ::  Nov 24, 2010 - 8:01PM #55
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Lori-
I don't know that one can ever "get over" a betrayal of trust like this.
It's like a death of a close friend or relative, in a way, to me.
With time, the pain grows less.
Oh, you can go to counseling, you can talk things out, you can insist that your husband have a completely transparent life for a period of time(like a year or two) in which you test his resolve to be faithful from now on---but still, for the most part, there will almost always be at least that little nagging thought in the back of your mind: "Will he do it again?"

You may wish to google "Retrouvaille," and/or visit www.retrouvaille.org, read up, find a meeting near you, and go---asap.

Apparently, a lot of people have re-discovered what made them fall in love initially, and re-kindle that spark.

All the best!

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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3 years ago  ::  Dec 10, 2010 - 9:56AM #56
Ashley0219
Posts: 1

My boyfriend and I are going through the hell of recovering from an affair right now, and I have to say that this blog has finally helped me. We have had more blow up fights since the affair was revealed then ever before, even though I agreed to work on it and move on. I was so glad to read all your posts and see that I am not crazy for wanting to stay with him. I have also been taught once a cheater always a cheater and that if it ever happened to me that I HAD to leave the man. But I just cant. I know the connection we have and believe I owe it to both our future to see it grow.


It hurts to know he did this to me. Trust has always been a big issue of mine...and I thought he and I stood on the same ground when it came to the digust we felt about cheating. My problem right now is not forgiving but forgetting. I constantly have a smart comment about something or a snotty look. I can not believe that after everything he did, it will be me who ruins the relationship. How does that happen??


Anyway, a sincere thank you to everyone who posted about moving on and working to forget. I can not tell you enough how much easier I can breathe knowing I am not the only one with these emotions and thoughts. I am so glad I stumbled upon this site!

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3 years ago  ::  Dec 20, 2010 - 1:36PM #57
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Ashley0219,

Welcome to Beliefnet and to our little corner here addressing relationship issues. And thank you for being willing to share some difficult things going on in your relationship. Infidelity can present the most painful and challenging things - and yet can also be a catalyst to deepened intimacy, as hard as that may be to believe.

Perhaps this can be an opportunity to learn how to share difficult feelings in a manner that keeps the other person safe enough to truly hear and understand them. Being critical and attacking of course doesn’t do that.

Perhaps you are recognizing that infidelity is more complicated than simplistic platitudes (i.e. “once a cheater always a cheater”). Your boyfriend did indeed cheat - and yet you still see many positive qualities in him and have much hope that a wonderful loving relationship can be built.

One challenge is that the unfaithful partner usually wants to forget the whole thing and move on, and the betrayed partner still has many painful feelings to express and often has a need to understand how it could have happened in the first place. Learning to express how you feel without making him wrong will go a long way towards willingness to continue discussions past the point of comfort for him. He likely carries feelings of guilt and shame about his choices, which many men find difficult to express. Have patience and keep working - you’ll get there!

Blessings,
Arnie

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3 years ago  ::  Jan 03, 2011 - 12:38PM #58
shamsnur
Posts: 1

Me and my husband have been together for twenty years now off and on and i can't trust him at all i have been through a lot with him and he keeps on cheating i feel like there is something i'm doing wrong i have left him but because of our children i have let him back i even moved to another  state he says he love me and wont let me go because i'm the best thing that has ever happen to him i believe him but is he still in love with me no one can love someone and keep on hurting them when do this hurt stops  i have no one to talk to about this that i know because i don't want them to know my business but i think they already know and don't want to tell  me i need some help

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3 years ago  ::  Jan 14, 2011 - 3:53PM #59
ApollosSun
Posts: 1

Very recently i was cheated on by my girlfriend...the pain is so severe that sometimes i cant even do the simplest of tasks and my heart feels as if its forever broken. She keeps coming back saying how she loves me and that we can fix this but for some reason i just cant see how it can. whenever im with her or touch her hand or look at her i think that she's not mine anymore and that she's tainted by some other man. I feel like i need to move on but i cant for some reason...i feel hope that we can stay together and i want this to work but the outbreaks of anger and the tears have taken its toll on me and i don't know what to do......

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3 years ago  ::  Jan 15, 2011 - 10:13PM #60
AngelsFly
Posts: 1

 


I am so certain you must be exhausted for cheating is not a simple issue. It can take years to recovery from. It takes a very strong person to continue a relationship afterwards, it is never easy. But, often it is very beneficial. The true problems of the relationship can be cured  thus the outcome of bliss.


1. Do you know why she did it? Has she apologized? Does she reassure she will not do it again? Do you believe her? Was it once or is it regular? Did you love her? Do you love her? Is she willing to earn your trust again? Do you see this women beneficial to your future? (long term.) These are questions only you can answer. 


2. If you feel like you should move on but "can't" that shows to me you still love her. I understand you probably feel beterayed. If you want your relationship to work, it most certainly can. You must be ready to start a clean slate. With out any of those painful memories or anger.  


3. All relationships have troubles. Some big some small. Every relationship must make a choose to continue. Because love, it is much stronger than any pain. But love does not keep recordings of wrongs. If she is willing to commit to only you, then she is yours. But it takes two.....you must forgive and allow her to be yours again. It sounds like you are not accepting her, so she will be tainted in your eyes. If you do accept her, let her know. She was tainted in yours, however she is no longer. 


4. If you do allow her to be apart of your life again make sure she knows she cannot get away with doing it again. Tell her you'd rather her call things off then go through this sort of beterayal again. Maybe seek counseling, or insist she goes. Many of times the third outside view can open eyes.


5. I believe,nonetheless, that trust is a earned privilege that she has lost. It is essential to any relationship. For a while (a year or so) it is okay to keep tabs of where she it at, and with whom. If she does not agree, then break it off. She is probably doing something negative and does not really care for you. I am sorry. But if she does agree and is not hesitant to telling you then ( assuming you do not hold her past chooses against her) trust will come back naturally over a period of time  she does not have to know, you can continue to ask questions.


6.You may feel the pressure to retaliate and hurt her. Don't. It will not solve anything, it won't even make you feel better. It will only slow down any progression and makes things worse. Do not cheat, and if you do be honest! In the end, you will be glad you did not cheat. For you will aways be a faithful and loyal person. 


7.You must wait it out and insist on not putting pressure on rushing the process. Healing takes time but it certainly can happen. All pain can be healed if this where not so, then how can there be so many peaceful and seemingly happy people with relationships? (friendship or love?)


8. Find a retreat. When you need to get things done but suddenly start feeling insecure. Run to that escape for moments. Come up with phrases you know to be true, and repeat them to yourself. On a separate note, I had self worth issues after the affair. I would wake up every morning and say out loud things that made me unique and special. I also would say characteristics I liked about myself. Then I would say his decision does not make me less of a women. Now find a way to apply that to your relationship. 


I was cheated on once  by my husband of 13 years. We figured out the issues, and have moved forward. I believe it has made our marriage stronger. It certainly has made me, as a women, stronger. 


all ways be honest with exactly how you feel, now is the time and never hide away from the true feelings within. 


Find strength,


Erica

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