Post Reply
Page 5 of 24  •  Prev 1 ... 3 4 5 6 7 ... 24 Next
Switch to Forum Live View Do you ever really get over being cheated on?
5 years ago  ::  Jul 21, 2009 - 8:49PM #41
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Mingah,

Welcome to Beliefnet, and sorry for the pain you are going through. It is completely natural to feel hurt and confused by an affair you had no idea about, let alone a baby from that liason. The status of your marriage was not mentioned - is the approach to be to let the fact that there was an infidelity not be addressed?

For myself, a baby is always a gift from God, nothing less. Like it or not, this person is in your life (at least as long as the choice is to stay married), and she is 100% innocent (I'm assuming it is a girl). For me, the "conceived in sin" bit is not useful - after all, consider that Solomon was conceived by David's sin with Bathsheba, and look how he (Solomon) turned out.

Also, this is something that is between you, your husband, and the baby's mother. While it is nice to consider your children's feelings, I would concentrate on your own. After all, if you had decided to have a child yourself now, would you decide not to if your children objected?

Any way you look at it, you have some difficult choices to make. Perhaps you have already made some - such as a desire to stay married for example.

Thank you for your prayers- - you, your husband, and the baby will all be in mine.

Blessings,
Arnie

Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Jul 24, 2009 - 4:20PM #42
lulu2
Posts: 454

If a married partner cheats, he/she, has sight of a promised commited relationship. Can it be forgiven, yes, if the behavior of the cheater changes. If he/she has understood, the reason for cheating, and if he truly wants to repair the trust that was lost. They partner than have to commit to each other in truth , only then can trust and love return fully. Once both see that they are "us together" and not " me alone". The  healing comes instantly as love returns. 

Without the Soul of Christ alive in us...we are nothing but empty shells...
Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Jul 30, 2009 - 11:23AM #43
Mingah
Posts: 4

Hello, Thank you ArnieBeeGut , lulu2 and DAH54 for your insite, support and compassion. I've been an ER nurse for 20 years and thought that I was the only person in the world who cared about someone other than myself.  This has regained my trust in humanity.  I have not discussed this with our family and/or friends.  I made a choice to stay with my husband and not file for divorce.  One wrong choice, one weak moment in time does not make a man or woman a bad person.  Yes he cheated, there is no excuse for it, but we are human after all.  I do remember our vows - for better and worse. This is the only worse so far.  We have talked more in the past 2 months that we have in 2 years. 2 years ago, our 22 year old son(the youngest at that time) was critically injured while at work. (he's a medic) There was an aneurysm in his brain that we didn't know about. It burst when he prevented a patient from falling down the stairs. He spent 7 months of the next year in the hospital with multiple complications from that injury.  Yes I was gone all of the time between work and staying in the hospital with our son. Our lives revolved around hospitals, doctors, therapy and babysitting Dan due to frequent seizures, physical therapy and emotional support for him. We lose sight of us and who we are. We both accepted responsibility for our actions/in-ations and have been planning how to address all of the issues.  We are requesting joint custody of his daughter- 6 months with us and 6 with her mother.  Needless to say that this has put an end to invitro fertilization for us.  When my son was injured, I prayed to God that he would be healed (he has been) not 100% but we have our son back. Also that we would be given a child.  I guess that I should have been more specific about me getting pregnant and not another woman.  I feel horrible for my initial feelings for this child, and cannot put them on her. She didn't ask for these 2 people to be her parents.  So, I have the child I asked for and we go from there. Once things are further along, we will include out 4 children ( adults and parents of their own children) in the process and pray for the best. Bless you and thank you. keeping all in my prayers.

Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Aug 04, 2009 - 3:05AM #44
bayee
Posts: 9

Hello,


     I was reading the many stories of the lives of people who have been heartfully hurt in their marriage.  It is very sad to see so many people getting hurt from their partner and do not know exactly the next step to take or do.


     Well, I have experienced the same thing as you all.  I have been married for 38 years and got married early in my teens because I got pregnant.  Back then, that is what people did so they both could raise their child together and hope to have a happy life.  I have worked all my life, help take care of my Mother, went to College while working, took care of our home by myself with no help AT ALL from him.... never ever!!  I felt like a Robot going around and around.  But I never complained and went on with what I needed to do and I did just that, although I could not get my husband to help out.  You see he was gone all the time and never really knew where he was most of the time.


     Well, to make a long story short, I did not find out about 4-5 sexual affairs he had over the first 10 years of our marriage.  As time went on, he continued to do what he wanted.  I was working and taking care of my kids and my Mother and coming home to cook, wash clothes, clean house and clean up the kitchen.  By then, I was so tired, I showered and went to bed.....  He has always been a sneaky person and I felt he was doing this, but had no proof and he always denied it and would blame me for even mentioning it to him.


     Not until 2 years ago, he finely confessed his affairs he has had.  When I began to ask questions about them, he got very mad and said it did not matter because it was over and it happened many years ago.  So, he refused to tell me anything else but only their names.  I got a notebook and wrote down all their names down the page and beside their names, I ask questions that I wanted to know.  I left it for him to pick it up in the morning.  It was still there when I woke up.  He said he was not saying anything else about it because it was all over and long ago and did not want to get anything started and he hung up. Needless to say I did not give up.  I wrote him a letter of the questions I wanted answers to and when he came home, I took it over to him and demanded that he answer them with the truth and give it back to me that night.  He left the house and came back in 2 hours with hardly anything answered.  I already knew what he had on the paper.  I told him that I wanted to talk to him again about this and I wanted my questions answered and he said that he had eforgot about it and he wanted me to do the same.  I told him that evidently he had not forgot about it and it was weeks before I even spoke to him.  I prayed a lot for God to help me do the right thing and show me the way to help me know why this happened for so long and I did not even know about it until years later.  I still to this day,  pray every night and day for strength, understanding and the courage I need to continue my life as it is today.  He knows I do not trust him at all going anywhere, who he is talking on the phone to, where he goes during work hours and other things.  I ask God to please give me a peaceful heart because I do not want to feel that way and I am not that kind of person, but it is very hard when this has happened most of your married life.  I will pray for all of you that still have problems and God promises us that he will never leave us nor forsake us and that is how I live my life everyday, along with my children and grandchildren, that God will watch over all of us and take care of all of our needs.  Sorry so long....  I pray the best for you all!!!  Bayee


 


 


 


 


 

Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Aug 04, 2009 - 10:44AM #45
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Mingah,

Thank you for the insightful post! I too believe that heartfelt prayers are always answered, but not in the way that we might think. I guess one must be specific. Still, you have been given two blessings - one of course the beautiful child you prayed for, and the second is the chance at having the wonderful loving relationship with your husband you have wished for. The process of working through what happened and each of you understanding your role in what happened will lead to a deeper intimacy and connection than you have ever experienced. There will be ups and downs of course, and don't be surprised if hurt and angry feelings continue to surface over the infidelity. Sweeping it under the rug is of course not an effective way forward, and finding a path to forgiveness is where the relationship will be at its most fulfilling. As you have perhaps discovered, it also helps to talk about what is happening for you in a supportive environment. Please keep us posted about how you are doing.

bayee,

I am sorry for the pain you have experienced in your marriage. You are still so very hurt over the infidelities, and feel you need to find out details of the affairs in order to process what happened and move on. Your husband just wants to forget the whole thing, and that surprises you. Although you want to make the marriage work now, part of you is still not fully convinced that cheating is not still going on, and you find it hard to trust. You are confused about why there is such reluctance to answer your questions. Maybe you would be willing to express how the answers will help the relationship.

Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Aug 04, 2009 - 11:58AM #46
Mingah
Posts: 4

ArnieBeeGut,


How did you become so wise and insightful?!  You are so right about the ups and downs.  Yesterday was one of the downs. Right before my son was injured, I started major restoration on my teeth(grinding them 24/7 for years)Fortunately no cavities just major grinding. That came to a halt when we had to pay for all medications for our son ($2500.00/month for 1 year) then it went down to $1000.00/month. So when this blew up in my face, we had saved enough money to have implants placed for my upper teeth. That went out the window with child support/back child support for the past year. The child's mom waited 9 months to file for child support.  So I have 6 teeth on top and 8 on the bottom. Have ground my teeth to the gum line and boy do they hurt. Lost 12 pounds in the past 6 weeks. on the days when they really hurt, all that I think of is - one selfish act caused a major change in the lives of 2 families and now with both of us on unemployment there's not enough to go around. (he was laid off in Feb. and I was in April - can't believe hospitals are downsizing RN's in the ER). Today is less painful but we are working on filing for full custody of the baby.  My husband knew the mom from her coming in to the store where he worked and she would hang out until closing and have a few beers with the staff.  Normally not an issue, but they both were married at the time. Have since found out that she is also into drugs, has been seen leaving the kids in the car when she is hanging out for a couple of hours, has been arrested for domestic abuse against her then husband. As my grandmother has said, this to shall pass.  I keep waitingWink for this to pass and it's not passing fast enough.  We'll get past this in time, but as my family knows all to well, patience is NOT my middle name.  Thanks for all the support and may God keep you in his arms.

Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Aug 05, 2009 - 10:32AM #47
ArnieBeeGut
Posts: 1,407

Thank you for your sincere and heartfelt response. It is hard to juggle so many difficult emotions with all that is going on for you, and I hope it has been useful to talk about them here.


You are facing so many stresses in your own life, both financial and health - teeth are a crucial element to one's health, and being in constant pain there can be excruciating. Grinding teeth is of course a reaction to all the stress you have experienced, and are continuing to experience. Any one of the issues you present would put an enormous amount on any individual as well as a relationship. Maybe it could help to accept the fact that both you and your husband have been dealing with the problems as best you could under the circumstances. I wish it were possible to give some kind of magic formula to produce the outcome you are desiring - while all things do pass, they do not do so in our time, but God's. You could always try the patience prayer - "Please God, grant me the gift of patience....and I need it NOW!"

It is wonderful that you are taking steps to ensure that this new baby will be brought up in a healthier environment. All the best in that endeavor.

Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Aug 08, 2009 - 9:30PM #48
andrewcyrus
Posts: 4,253

Feb 9, 2009 -- 6:30PM, ladysky wrote:

About 3 years ago I found out my husband cheated on me. I found out threw a letter from domestics, that came to my house. The girl was taking him for support. At the time I was 5 months pregnant with my son, who is now 3. I have forgiven him. it took awhile, but sometimes i can't get it out of my head. I need to get passed this if i want my marrige to work, but how do you let go?



Yeah this is scary stuff. I have been in human resources and have noticed about 2-3 males and 1-female that have multiple child support enforcement attachments. And I have gone through about 100-150 employees in the past two years.


 


The question here is do the children ever really recover from the cheating. I believe that educating them and helping understand core ideas like abstinence, fidelity, birth control at an early age can head off a ton of bad examples.


 


 

Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Aug 10, 2009 - 2:42PM #49
appy20
Posts: 10,165

"The question here is do the children ever really recover from the cheating. I believe that educating them and helping understand core ideas like abstinence, fidelity, birth control at an early age can head off a ton of bad examples."


85% of males with fathers who commit adultery, even if separated at birth and live with adoptive parents who are 100% monogamous, cheat on their spouse.  People who cheat have children who cheat and that skews the odds for those of us who want monogamy.  


If people are going to stay with cheaters, I wish they would tie their tubes.   We could use a fewer number of playas.


 

Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Aug 10, 2009 - 8:30PM #50
Mingah
Posts: 4

Hi,  Thanks to all who replied.  It's nice to hear different opinions and thoughts.  I know that it will be a long, rough road.  Some days are good and then there are the days that are really tough.  I am not trying to be a saint,  but I have forgiven my husband for the affair, but I still can't get past the fact that he provided her with what was needed to have the child. It makes no difference if he wanted this child or not.  I spent the past 10 years telling him that I wanted our child and as stated before, he felt that the finances were not stable enough. That reason went out the window. A firefighter/paramedic and me a ER RN.  How financially unstable are those jobs - NOT.  So...........the feelings of loss, sadness don't go away.  There's the empty space in my heart that feels lost, cold.  I really don't know how to describe it.  Common sense tells me that time does heal all wounds, but my heart is telling me not at this time.  Oh well, I'll have to wait and see how things go.

Quick Reply
Cancel
Page 5 of 24  •  Prev 1 ... 3 4 5 6 7 ... 24 Next
 
    Viewing this thread :: 0 registered and 2 guests
    No registered users viewing
    Advertisement

    Beliefnet On Facebook