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Switch to Forum Live View Do you ever really get over being cheated on?
5 years ago  ::  May 11, 2009 - 12:15AM #31
Jimmhaley
Posts: 84

The original, salient question was, "How do you let go of a partner's past infidelity?"


The thing that haunts most people who have been cheated on are the details. Details details details. Did you do it in this position? That position? Which bed? Was s/he better than me? Did you enjoy it more than you enjoy sex with me? Did you perform x on him/her? Did s/he perform y on you? Et cetera, et cetera...


In a perverse way, those cheated-upon wish they could get inside the head of the cheater so they could see for themselves what happened, in hopes that the infidelity was less-than-satisfying. It hurts deeply to hear that your partner found someone else more sexually exciting than you, and more sexually satisfying. The cheated-upon want to hear the exact opposite, that it was bloody awful and how could I have even thought s/he was hot, I am so sorry, you are the only man/woman for me...


I was told by a clinical psychologist that you will never get past it until you get past realizing that it IS possible your partner could be sexually turned on by someone other than you. Once you're (or your ego is) over that, you'll begin to emotionally accept the reality of your relationship.


I'm sorry you're going through this. As other posters have pointed out, time will eventually heal your wounds, as long as you're willing to truly forgive. I wish you restful nights and surcease from the terrible heartache this must be.


Love and Light


Jimm

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5 years ago  ::  May 11, 2009 - 9:22AM #32
appy20
Posts: 10,165

However, getting over one's ego does mean continuing the relationship with the betrayer, having  his children and perpetuating the gene.  Thus increasing the world's poplulation of people who have the most difficulty in being sexually exclusive.


I believe that therapists do monogamy a great disservice when they reconcile couples that have infidelity as an issue.


I do believe people should get over it, AFTER they have walked out.

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5 years ago  ::  May 11, 2009 - 10:03AM #33
Jimmhaley
Posts: 84

May 11, 2009 -- 9:22AM, appy20 wrote:


However, getting over one's ego does mean continuing the relationship with the betrayer, having  his children and perpetuating the gene.  Thus increasing the world's poplulation of people who have the most difficulty in being sexually exclusive.




Well, no, that's not what the psychologist said. Getting your ego over the pain of understanding that you're not the only one capable of getting your partner turned on gets you past the attachment to an unrealistic idea. Whether you continue the relationship after that is immaterial...the psychologist was only talking about a major element of the pain and confusion from the initial betrayal.

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5 years ago  ::  May 11, 2009 - 12:38PM #34
appy20
Posts: 10,165

I do see a sexist thing in this.  When women cheat, having the husband become replaceable is unforgivable.  Women are supposed to be replaceable.  Therefore, a woman has more pressure to forgive.  Men used to be able to get away with shooting a lover--"A crime of passion" and could get reduced sentencing.  Women never got that.  Not in the same way.  It is terrible when men are replaced and no one faults their ego.  Afterall, it is okay if men have egoes.  How dare women.  How dare women expect faithfullness.  We are not worthy of it.  We are supposed to be replaceable.  It is, I believe, part of the male contempt for women. Somehow, their ego is more respected.


If we want monogamy, we are putting them on a leash. However, no one considers us on a leash if monogamy is expected of us.


 

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5 years ago  ::  May 11, 2009 - 12:55PM #35
Jimmhaley
Posts: 84

Good heavens appy20. I hope you didn't see anything sexist in what I posted, because certainly none was intended (or even cogitated).


Yes, I've seen the sexism you've mentioned. On the other hand I also see plenty of indication in the society around me that cheating, whether you're male or female, is frowned upon. Women who cheat are called "tramps" or "sluts", men who cheat are called "scum" or "dirtbags". This isn't an entirely one-way street as you're suggesting.


 

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5 years ago  ::  May 11, 2009 - 1:57PM #36
appy20
Posts: 10,165

My post got eaten. 


Jimmhaley, I don't think you are sexist and I did not mean to imply that.  It is our species.  I think it is biological in both genders.  Men are the hammer and women are the nail.  I just think the whole forgiveness thing is forced on women more than men and I am not convinced that that serves us well in the long run.  Forgiveness is what perpetuates the worst of our species.  I think our egoes often try to prevent that.  Forgiveness is not always productive and egoes are not always bad.  Somehow, women are not supposed to have egoes.  Ours are often crippled and demonized.  Whenever, we honor our feelings or self-value, we are labelled selfish.  Something rarely done to men. Women are taught not to hurt men's egoes.  Men are not taught such a thing. 


Perhaps it is a good thing that more women are cheating. If men are not going to improve, at least let women give them opportunity to forgive.  Let women hurt their egoes.  Maybe more men do need replacing.  Perhaps, then, they can learn empathy. Perhaps not. At least the rules will be equal.

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5 years ago  ::  May 17, 2009 - 4:12PM #37
lovely60
Posts: 1

I read your posts, I did enjoy the knowledge and wisdon from each posts, I have a husband that after 6 months of marriage walked out and after 2 years we tried to reconcelle but in the mean time he had got up with another women, had an affair with her and I don't hold any bad thought's towards her because he did not tell her he was a married man he lives in another state..Then we when got together a couple weeks ago he treated me like i was his Mistress when he got phone calls, I told him the marriage was over he wanted to spare her feelings but yet he wanted to come back to me..so now he tells me he is due to go in for surgery to have his leg operated on and wants my prayers and yes i will pray for him he is 73 years old, he has a bad heart and a anusirum in his leg, which could very well burst in surgery and die..I have no ill feelings towards him or her, becuase God heals the borken hearted when we reach out to him for his help and mercy..


   I am much younger then my husband, but he has a lustful spirit out of controlle for his age so i ask all of your prayers for him and myself, I know he and I will never get back together but this man has good in him if he could jhust get past Lust for women..


   God Bless each and everyone of you, that have hurts from marriages just keep the faith

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5 years ago  ::  May 17, 2009 - 7:13PM #38
Siribi
Posts: 205

That's really sad "lovely60" and it's also rather commonplace. I've seen it happen several times with members of my mother's family. Maybe there's a gene at work, but in that family all the men were remarkable Lotharios who ended up badly, alone, in ill health and having to depend on previous wives or daughters for care.

"We're all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." Oscar Wilde
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5 years ago  ::  Jul 21, 2009 - 1:21AM #39
Mingah
Posts: 4

My heart goes out to each and every one of you. Each of us has thought that it only happens to other families, surprise.  It happens to us.  My husband and I have been married for 14 years, each from a bad marriage.  I knew that I married "the one".  He's a great step-father and has raised my kids as if they were his biological children, we have a combined total of 4 children. They refer to his as their dad and their biological father as the sperm donor. On June 9, 2009 a young woman pulled up on our driveway and had a baby with her. Much to my surprise, she asked if my husband was home.  I called to him and had him come outside.  This young woman tells us she just wanted to show the baby where her daddy lived.  At that time every possible emotion went through me and I told her to leave and asked my husband if this was true.  It was.  From the paternity suit, this was a one night thing, and both parties were married at the time. She is now divorced and getting child support from 2 men. How nice. I have stated many times during the past 14 years that I wanted another child, our child and was always given the same response - we're getting to old.  Our oldest child is the same age as the woman that my husband had an affair with 34 now, 32 thenand our youngest was 22. Our children do not know about this child, i'm afraid that they will not accept this information easily and don't want to hurt 4 more people.  We are 52.  Now what do I do?  The right thing would be to welcome this baby into our family, but I just can't. I feel so selfish now.  Why should this child be blamed for her parents stupidity?  At the same time, why should I raise a child that was conceived in sin and always be a reminder of the one night stand? We don't want to divorce, but that leaves the issue of visitation with this baby? Help me to understand my feelings and pray that the choices we make are the right ones for this infant.  thank you so much.  Everyone will always be in my prayers.

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5 years ago  ::  Jul 21, 2009 - 12:33PM #40
DAH54
Posts: 3,318

Relationships are all about choices. Each and everyday we make choices, and their are consequences as a direct result of those choices. Our choices cause us to live in happiness or sorrow. We control what we feel, and what we choose to experience.


Relationships are about choices, and events in our lives. One event, a child conceived, between the person I claim to love and someone other than me. I can choose to see that event as a blessing, a non event, or a curse. I can choose to love that child, as a very special gift to the world, I can choose to ignore that child, and pretend that child does not exist, is not of worth. Or I can choose to label that child as conceived in sin, an albatross around my neck, a curse, and a reminder of betrayal.


When one strips all the labels away, we have at heart the same basic event. We can choose which labels we choose to add to this event.... We can feel we where unloved, unworthy, un-respected. We can believe that it was a choice to hurt us. Or we can recall why we chose to claim that we loved this person in the first place. We can acknowledge that we are all less than perfect. How we choose to label this event directly relates to the pain we experience, the hurt we feel. One option is to pretend, one option is to never ever forget, one option is to forgive. Relationships are all about choices, will you choose to win the battle? Or will you chose to value the relationship?


 

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