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Switch to Forum Live View Do you ever really get over being cheated on?
2 years ago  ::  Mar 11, 2012 - 10:55PM #161
iluvpearls
Posts: 1

Feb 18, 2009 -- 2:32PM, tropicalmom wrote:

The only way you can get over it is by Loving your self ...I know , I know it sounds clishe... But is the truth .. if you put as much energy in loving your self and remembering all of the great qualities in you, as you put in remembering that you were cheated on... You would realize that 1) the cheating was never about you... 2) Is in the past and there is nothing you can do to change it. 3) That if is worth saving the relationship.. then you need to work on it, talk about it; because even thow you can not change it , you also should not dismiss it. It needs to be addressed in order to move on. But Most of all. That You are worth of being Loved Exclusively and you do not have to settle for less than The best. It is lot's of work it will not be easy but it will be worth your while if only to Learn to Love Your self more . Life is too short to dwell in things that can not be change. and remember if you must move on.. remember You DID have a Life Prior to your life with that person, You can always have a better life after Him/Her.
Much Love,
Tropical Mom


I needed to read this.  Thanks you so much.  i have been hurting so much til it aches.  I did not do anything to deserve this, but until i start acting on what you wrote was the first time I start to see my life turn around.  Thank you.

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2 years ago  ::  Apr 17, 2012 - 12:27PM #162
Emotionalmess
Posts: 1
Hello to everyone here. First I want to thank you all for sharing because you all have made me not feel so alone. I too am struggling.  Some days are great and others not so much making me feel like an emotional schizophrenic.

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years. We have definitely had our ups and downs but nothing that I had ever thought that we couldn't overcome. I always had such a strong faith in us overcoming anything.  We became friends first and then more. We had an unplanned pregnancy which resulted in a little miracle that will be 3 next month. She was a result of a botched reversible vasectomy and a almost impossible reproductive system. She is our miracle and no doubt meant to be.  We had had our ups and downs in our relationship but nothing we couldn't handle. Things were better than they have been until 2 months ago I found out that he strayed from our relationship a year and a half ago. I found out by accident when I found court documents even though in my mind I had really known for quite some time. The girl he had relations with a hand full of times over the course of a few months was one I was working with.  I feel so stupid because at the same time she was helping me train for a new position, she was acting like she was trying to be my friend the whole time having sex with the person she knew I was with.  I understand it takes two to tango...I'm not that clueless.  This woman with two children already managed to get pregnant.  He had realized the err of his way and broke it off with her and a few days later she broke the news.  He told her then that he did not want a child and did not want anything to do with her.  Apparently they had talked about adoption and she was agreeable until he brought the couple then she yelled at the couple and told them to get off her property.  He said he struggled wanting to tell me but was so afraid of losing me that he never could get the words to come out.  The woman sued for child support stating that she had to in order to keep the child's insurance through the state--sadly this is an out and out lie because I had the same insurance for a year with no forced paternity issue.  This woman now has 3 children from different fathers who her mother raises because she still wants to go out and do whatever she wants. Sad really. But nonetheless, I found out before child support was finalized.
I still love my boyfriend and we still plan on getting married.  We couldn't make it a day without talking to each other. I still have days of such hurt, I want to know why and what the draw was. I often internally wonder if he had any of the same intimacy he has with me.  There are times where I wish I didn't know so I wouldn't have these thoughts.  Although the affair is long over for him, it is fresh for me. He is so ashamed of himself and what he chanced throwing away.  I truly believe him when he says it.  Still in the back of my mind, I wonder if it could happen again. I believe in my heart it won't but my mind doesn't agree. I do believe that God has kept my faith in us because with anyone else, I wouldn't have gone through the emotional ups and downs and would have cut my losses and been out the door.  I pray everyday for God to take away the hurt and the flashes in my mind of what happened a year and a half ago.  I will be thankful to have more of the good days.  I am sorry this is so long but I really don't have an outlet of anyone to talk to that won't judge or be supportive of my decision to stay.  So thank you for your previous posts and thank you for suffering through reading this.  Please pray for God to make more good days for me and let my mind feel more like my heart.
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2 years ago  ::  Apr 17, 2012 - 1:55PM #163
REteach
Posts: 13,550

First, it will get better. The pain will go away. 


Based on your time line, this happened when your little one was a baby/toddler.  Probably busy, stress, sleep deprived, "oh, my God, I am a dad! Am I ready?" and that kind of stuff.  Maybe not an excuse, but a reason.  The thing is, he chose you.  He chose your child. (I wonder if she slept around that much if he is sure the new one is his)  Revel in the fact that he chose you. 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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2 years ago  ::  Apr 19, 2012 - 10:39AM #164
Butterfly49
Posts: 1

Hello, I'm new here and not sure of the etiquette for posting replies.But here's my story.


 


I've been married for 30 years to the same man and we have 3 grown kids and 4 grandkids. He is 50 and I am 49 (almost).My husband retired from the military in 2006 after 25 years of service.


 He had an affair with a coworker while we were stationed in CT. It lasted about six months or so he said. I let it go and we moved on. Fastforward to 2008, we lived in MS and had a great life there.He works for the Federal government and was offered a promotion but we had to move to Atlanta GA. During this timeframe he became "friends" with a female in the same agency he works for except she lived in Tallahassee FL. I found out six days before our 27th anniversary he met this "friend" in Atlanta, she helped him find an apartment and then spent the night together and to top it off they got tattoos together. I found out about it on January 2 2009. I monitored his computer and saw the instant messages they were writing to each other. I got physically ill. I confronted him about it after I retained a lawyer. Of course he was sorry (mostly because he got caught).


 Over time I forgave him (sort of ) and we tried to move on. I eventually met the "friend" in March of 2010 and she was not attractive at all. I thought I would try to make things easier on him for his new job and I became friends (sort of) with the woman. After about a year I was not really over the whole thing yet and I stopped being friends with her. During this time my husband and I argued a lot about his trips with this woman and the frequency of them and my suspisions that there was still something going on he stopped inviting me on trips with them. Many tearful arguments and threats of divorce (from both of us) and denials by him happened between 2009 - 2011.


In December 2011 and he asked me to come to Ft. Belvoir VA while he was attending a school his work sent him to. He gave me access to his computer so I can find things to do around the area while he was in class and that's when I found out the depths of his deceptions. I found an email address that I remembered from before and I thought was gone. I was able to get into the emails and was shocked by what I found. Not only had the affair been continuing but he also "hooked up" with the first female he had an affair with from CT. She also works for the Federal government and had to come to Atlanta in 2009 for work related issues. Many emails and rather graphic descriptions were written and all the while I was totally clueless about this one. My focus was on the woman from Tallahassee who has since moved into the same office as my husband and works 20 feet from him. December 9 2011- three days before our 30th anniversay. Nice gift.


 Furious is a major understatement. I am still very angry although we are going to counseling (again). I don't trust him and probably never will at least at the same level as before. He has since had the tattoo covered up with a different one of my choosing,removal was too expensive. He has agreed to get another job out the his current agency, our house is on the market and I have access to all of his computer information. Only problem is the Florida woman still works in the same office. He swears (just like before) that nothing is going on and she doesn't want anything to do with him. He broke it off with her right after I found out. I also asked him to send an email to her in his words saying he and I have talked about it and I know everything about what's been going on the last three years. As far as the woman from CT goes the last email I saw from her was dated back in January 2010 and apperantly she's feeling like a one night stand. He didn't (as far as I know) respond back to her.


He seems sincere this time but he did before too. I have no job and no college degree otherwise I would have left him. I had a good job in MS before this happened but have not worked since 2009. He calls me his soul mate but MY soul mate would not have done this. Just saying.


Thanks for listening


 


 

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2 years ago  ::  Apr 19, 2012 - 1:23PM #165
REteach
Posts: 13,550

I hear and understand. Beyond that I would say you should do what you need to do.  You know he is a serial adulterer.  So, apparently, was Bill Clinton, but Hilary has stayed with him, so it can be done if that is what you want to do.


There is a difference between being justifiably furious and not liking him. If you don't like him any more you ought to consider just leaving anyway.  Maybe there is someone out there who would be faithful, but maybe not, too. 


I hope both women feel like one night stands. 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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2 years ago  ::  Apr 28, 2012 - 11:32AM #166
FLChris
Posts: 1

I too am dealing with cheating.  But my way of dealing with it is a little bit different than most others.


At 33, I've cheated on virtually every woman I've ever dated and in turn have been cheated on frequently as well.  It's worth noting, I suppose, that although I was a man whore, I stopped cheating a few years back.  I guess I realized it simply wasn't worth it anymore. 


About five months ago, I started dating my girlfriend.  We both had some residual issues from our past (feelings of mistrust towards partners, an willingness to open up and share) but as the relationship progressed we worked through those things.  When she talked to me about trusting people, I explained to her that there's only two people I feel I could trust, neither of which are family, and that opening myself up and putting trust out there is a monumental deal for me. 


About seven weeks ago she cheated.  After the initial anger, I tried to work through it.  I'm not sure if I have myself convinced that I was at least somewhat successful as we were able to continue having a relatively normal life or if I fooled myself by burying what needed to be dealt with.  The last week or so has been the worst.


See, in my mind there's always a reason for cheating.  Maybe she's retaliating, maybe she's feeling neglected.  Since neither of those are applicable here, then I figure there must be some sort of thought that was in her mind.  Sort of a "what were you thinking?"  And for me, that's how I've always been able to stay in previous relationships as the cheatee.  I may not like the reason or the reply to "what were you thinking?" but it gives me something tangible I can look at and start the closure process from there.  Unfortunately, she has nothing.  She has no reason.  She has no thought on it.  It's a "I can't tell you why I felt the need to destroy the relationship but I hope you can eventually get over it."  I've tried explaining to her calmly and rationaly (99% of our disagreements are civil because hey, we're not children. No sense yelling about things) that part of my "closure" process is knowing why something happened or what someone was thinking and moving on.  She's said "I can't make something up and lie just to give you that closure.  I don't know what I was thinking." 


I feel like we're at an impasse.  What I need she can't give me.  This not withstanding, this has been one of the most solid relationships I've been in a long time in terms of her not screaming like a loon about everything, her willingness to let me talk without interrupting and judging, our ability to talk things out and come to civil disagreements, etc.  Am I getting too hung up on the ONE thing I *FEEL* I need to move on or should I hold the line and walk away?

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2 years ago  ::  May 01, 2012 - 12:27AM #167
REteach
Posts: 13,550

Chris, sometimes I think we do not really understand why we what we do.  Kids who have been abandoned in their lives, for instance, may push people who love them away.  That way they are in control of the hurt. She may have been loving you so much that she was scared of being hurt if you left or cheated. By cheating, she may have been in charge of damage control, as it were.  But some of these things may have happened to her at such a young age that she cannot really put it into words.  Or she may just be a twit.  I tend to believe that broken people do broken things.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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2 years ago  ::  May 01, 2012 - 12:29AM #168
REteach
Posts: 13,550

You might also check your own actions to be sure you are not also setting things up to drive people away before you need to start making a commitment.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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2 years ago  ::  May 07, 2012 - 4:55PM #169
Bunny2585
Posts: 2
Hi :-)

My name is Hope and i have a wonderful amazing baby girl. The father and I had split up while i was pregnant. She is now almost 14 months old. We started talking again after i had had her and he told me that he wanted to work on things with us. Not just because of our daughter. I told him that he was going to have to prove himself to me before i could 100% agree to it as hes the one who decided he wanted nothing to do with me when i was pregnant. Its been almost a year of us being back together and things were going wonderful. I recently had surgery and am in a cast. (They fused the joint below my ankle)
things were still going good until i recieved a letter in the mail with no return address. An ex fiance of a woman that was claiming that my guy was the father of her son. That he had gotten her pregnant in may of last year. Which was when he was trying to get me to work on things with him.
I showed him the letter and he confirmed that that is indeed his son and he didnt want to tell me until he knew 100% that it was true.
i know this technically isnt cheating because we werent dating when he got her pregnant but it still hurts nontheless.
After a long talk (mostly outside because i didnt want our baby to see me cry) I agreed to work on things with him bc i do love him regardless of this.
Its been almost a week since i recieved the letter and things as far as i can tell are fine (as fine as they can be) but now im still slightly worried about being hurt further. Ive been burned pretty bad in the past.

Im just wondering how i can help myself get over my insecuritys about this. Before this occured i had been telling friends that this was the man i wanted to marry. And i have found out (from a friend of ours) that hes been looking at rings for me for the last few months.

I have forgiven him but im wondering where to go from here. This is his 3rd child. I told him that i wanted the next one to be ours as well as us already having a daughter.

Im still slightly hurt (more then slightly) and we have talked more about this since then.

Just not sure if im being foolish and stupid by agreeing to work on things. I really was truely happyand i think the news would have gone over better if he himself would have told me.

Sorry for the long post but you guys all had wonderful help for others that i thought maybe you could help me.
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2 years ago  ::  May 07, 2012 - 7:42PM #170
REteach
Posts: 13,550

Well, the history is the best way to predict the future. OTOH, people really are capable of learning and growing.


She is clearly trying to break the two of you up.  Apparently she would either be happy to have him, or to just make him miserable.  


Really, only you can know what is going on between the two of you now.  Only you can tell whether he seems to have shown maturity and stability over the last year.  


You might want to talk to him about the birds and the bees because it is not clear whether he clearly understands where babies come from, or that two parents would generally be a good thing.  He needs to either learn to control himself or use a condom...

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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