Post Reply
Page 2 of 24  •  Prev 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 24 Next
Switch to Forum Live View Do you ever really get over being cheated on?
5 years ago  ::  Feb 19, 2009 - 7:58PM #11
REteach
Posts: 14,228

The problem with accepting responsibility for someone else cheating is that gives everyone the right to cheat.


No, it does not.  It means that if you want a marriage to succeed, you understand it takes two to tango.  I wasn't a horrible wife.  However, I did have to let go of some sense of privilege I was expecting of my husband, AND he had to let go of some sense of privilege he was expecting of me.

If it is all "me, me, me", I predict failure.  It is about "us, us, us." 

I suppose it is possible that a 100% perfect person can be cheated on (all that perfection might be reason enough).  However, since I have never met a 100% perfect person, I believe that failure to look at one's own faults, even as the injured party, is a prelude to divorce.  So, one can be self-righteous and divorced, or honest and happily married.

I prefer the happily married. BTW, our infidelity was almost 26 years ago, and I dare anyone to find a couple more happy than we are.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Feb 20, 2009 - 2:31PM #12
appy20
Posts: 10,165
So, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.  If  you give your relationship everything you've got and then it fails and then your are told you are partly responsible--that isn't worth it.  You can't be flawed, you can't be imperfect and you can't be anything in between.  It all causes him to cheat then are you really responsible at all?  Every relationship requires work. I don't find that a good reason for infidelity. 

I have no doubt you are happy  but I would still want a better man.  I could not be happy.  For one thing, I would have given my all and if it were not enough,  wouldn't have had anything left to give.  I wouldn't want to live with that kind of unrelenting pressure.  It is always walking on eggshells.  That isn't about we; it is about him.  If you don't toe the line, he is out of there. Whether you are admitting it or not, you are toeing a line.   He uses fidelity as a cattle prod.

In my single life, I can make mistakes, fix them and move on without being humiliated or having them rubbed in my face. Or having my heart broken because of imperfection.  I don't get dragged into a court with a therapist judge to try me.  I fix it, keep my dignity and move on.  I also have the relief of self-acceptance without improvement. Periodically,  I take breaks from self-improvement because it becomes unrelenting to constantly strive.   I would not have that in your marriage.  I would burn out.  There is nothing, nothing in a relationship that could make up for that misery.   

Being single, you can rest.  You can just be imperfect.  I would be very lonely being with someone that I could not be imperfect with without them cheating.  I would be lonely being with someone that can cheat if I am too perfect.  I would constantly be asking myself what did I do wrong today?  I would be lonely living on a shifting sand where the rules can change from day to day.  When love is that much agony, it becomes just a word and not a way to live.  Life is too short to live a love that is martrydom. 

It does not make people better people.  The most mean-spirited people I have ever worked with are the miserably married.  It isn't as if all that striving really does anything for your soul.  Often in office politics, singles get the brunt of the misery from the martyred married.

Walking on eggshells for the sake of the "we" doesn't do anything for the human race. Whereas, tolerance does.  Being able to tolerate a spouse's imperfections without walking out, taking revenge or replacing them contributes more to the human race than a marriage that survives infidelity.  Producing offspring capable of putting their needs aside on occasion is better than producing offspring that has to bail when their needs are not met.

At least  that is what I think.
Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Feb 20, 2009 - 7:32PM #13
REteach
Posts: 14,228
I'm not sure I understand you.  A spouse messes up once, and you are unwilling to look at whether your own behavior played a role in getting to that point?  I've got to say, if you are willing to throw away all the joy that I've had for a "better" man, you are going to be missing a level of fantastic that I have to feel sorry about you for. 

I would not have that in your marriage.


???????

My husband is my best friend.  We complement each other.  There is no problem being with him.  He anchors me against the rest of the world.  He is someone I can be myself with.

You certainly have a negative view of marriage.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Feb 20, 2009 - 7:39PM #14
REteach
Posts: 14,228
My husband really isn't into posting in places like this.  However, I asked him and he says:

To make it work, you have to feel forgiven.  He says that if he had felt like if he felt that his mistake was going to be used as a weapon and would always be attacked, it wouldn't have worked.

The perpetrator has to commit to not doing it again.  He has to commit to being a couple.

The victim has to forgive. 


Sorry, he was talking faster than I can type.
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Feb 20, 2009 - 7:47PM #15
REteach
Posts: 14,228

He uses fidelity as a cattle prod.


No.  Because he knew a second episode would have been the last.  Besides, he came back because he wanted to come back.  He is not stuck here or threatening to leave.  He wants to be with me.  He says he cannot imagine a better partner. 


He also said he had to try not to give opportunities for me to wonder if he was doing it again and that physical proximity was important.  He says he was also grateful that I gave myself to him sexually.  He says he doesn't think of that as bribery, but as what couples do. I agree.  I wasn't bribing him, I was telling him I was his partner.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Feb 21, 2009 - 2:24PM #16
appy20
Posts: 10,165
If a spouse cheats, I am not willing to even consider my behavior. Not my problem babe,  Any problem I cause him is no longer of interest to me.

Infidelity is not a mistake.  A mistake is locking your keys in the car.  A mistake is backing into a vehicle in a parking lot.  Mistakes aren't planned. A mistake is forgetting a birthday.   Infidelity takes a lot of planning and thought.  It isn't a mistake.  It is either a choice or a biological compulsion.
Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Feb 21, 2009 - 2:46PM #17
appy20
Posts: 10,165
Women can be happy with monogamous men.  Many women want that.   Just because a man is monogamous does not mean he isn't wonderful.  Most women I know want monogamy.  A monogamous guy is not necessarily unflawed.  I know a few women married to good men who did not cheat on them.  Their marriages had difficult patches.  They ended up happy as well.  If I had the choice of being happy with a faithful guy, single or married happily or not to a cheater, I would prefer married to a faithful guy or being single.

I went out last night with a group of women that I have never gone out with before.  They asked me why I never married. I told them the better opportunities I had did not work out and I really want monogamy and that is hard find.   A monogamous man is hard to find.   All of them had also quite dating for that very reason.  They were either widowed or single.  They can't get what they want from a relationship and that is monogamy.  I was with another group of women once with long marriages.  If their spouse dies, they will not marry again.  Some of them were devastated by affairs of their husband.  Yes, they are expected to forgive and move on.  They tried.  They could not. So, they stayed but the marriage was never the same for them.  For some of us, the marriage, no matter how much forgiveness or counseling or whatever, would not be worth saving. 

I am not the only one that feels this way but few are going to argue it. It is a very uncool position.  Women are taught that we are supposed to forgive infidelity.  We are not supposed to want anything.

Men ask what women want but do not care. If we want monogamy and require it, we are unforgiving, selfish, whatever.  If we want anything, it is negatively labelled.  We are insecure, etc.  We are wrong.  Even if we don't ask for that much.  Even if we only have a few things we require.  We are not allowed.

I believe in forgiveness.  Heck, I would even forgive a guy who was unfaithful  But.  I would not stay with him.  You can forgive without staying in a relationship.
Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Feb 21, 2009 - 3:52PM #18
wyrmy
Posts: 321
appy

I am not surprised that the people you hang out with have the same experiences that you have. However you might what to consider that their experiences are not the same as a statistical universe. People pick people to hang out with because they have personality traits in common with them, and personality traits are often shaped by life experiences. So, if you only hang out with people that are like you, then you should not be surprised if they have led lives that confirm your opinions.

For example, all my friends favor reason over emotion, not because that is actually common in people but because I have a tendency to stop associating with people that make life choices with emotion. Nor do I assume that means I am the same way, only that I think it is an admirable trait. It is quite possible that I am the least rational of my friends and I try to pretend otherwise by surrounding myself with rational people. I also happen to have no male friends that would consider cheating on their wives, but again, if I find out a friend is willing to do that he is likely no longer a friend. But so far, I have not had to make that choice. Which just means they do not brag to me if they cheat.

But more on topic, I have been cheated on. That relationship did not last, but it was all the lying that destroyed it. Frankly I was not sure about the cheating until I was away from the relationship and all the little facts that the lying had distracted me from added up. Not sure if I could handle it now or not, but I will admit it would be my own insecurities that would be the hard part to face.
Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Feb 21, 2009 - 5:05PM #19
REteach
Posts: 14,228

If a spouse cheats, I am not willing to even consider my behavior.


Seriously, appy, don't ever get married. Based on your posts, I do not believe the institution is for you.  You said you were happy single, and I suspect truer words were never spoken.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
Quick Reply
Cancel
5 years ago  ::  Feb 21, 2009 - 5:17PM #20
REteach
Posts: 14,228

They can't get what they want from a relationship and that is monogamy.


There is the problem.  While I want monogamy, and except for that short lapse on my husband's part, what I want from marriage is a friend and partner. Not someone whose primary characteristic is that they are on my leash.  I want someone with whom I can share.  Someone to help raise my children.  Someone with whom I can have fun on vacation.  Someone who is there when I get home from work at night.  Someone with whom I can share and play out sexual fantasies.  He's my lover and he's my best friend.  He's in my soul.  The monogamy comes about because of the other things.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
Quick Reply
Cancel
Page 2 of 24  •  Prev 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 24 Next
 
    Viewing this thread :: 0 registered and 1 guest
    No registered users viewing
    Advertisement

    Beliefnet On Facebook