Dec 11, 2012 -- 7:43PM, Caringgetsyou wrote:

I just stumbled across this when googling how to get over this. I just found out tonight that my partner cheat on me in the beginning of out relationship. He kept it a secret From me. He told me tonight. He was crying and upset but how do I know he will never do it again I'm so scared an worried I don't kno what to do

The truth is, you don't know and can never know---well, until you learn how to read his mind, if that's possible.

The fact that he confessed this infidelity may speak well of him, unless he's using it as a prelude to telling you about OTHER cheating he's done/is doing; besides, "in the beginning of our relationship" sounds like he wasn't too sure about you at first, but is more comfortable with you now, enough so that he doesn't want any lies to be between you, which could bode well for your relationship in future, should you decide to forgive him.

But if you do(forgive him, that is), you'll know your character is strong if you never bring it up again.  If you use his unfaithfulness from now forward as a "trump card" to win arguments, or get what you want, or any other unjust way to use this information, he will learn that telling you the truth is not something he'll want to continue doing, know what i mean?  So if you decide that what you want to do is punish him from this day forward, i can guarantee you that unless he's a masochist who loves pain, he'll certainly leave you.  No one sane wants to stay in a relationship with someone who repeatedly hurts them.

So you can use this incident as an opportunity to lay out what you insist on having in a relationship(like faithfulness), and lay out the consequences for his not being a man of his word---then if he violates your conditions, leave him permanently(or whatever other consequence you've mutually agreed to)---unless, of course, YOU're a masochist who loves pain and fighting and hurt feelings and drama and histrionics and etc.  Remember, if you lay out consequences then DO NOT IMPLEMENT THEM, he'll learn that your words are meaningless, too.

Also, take some time to reflect on your behavior, how you could possibly improve yourself in this relationship, as well.  Negotiate, then re-negotiate as situations and circumstances change.  IME and FMO, most men live up to---or down to---the expectations their woman has of them. 

If you set your expectations low, then low is what you'll get.  If that's what you decide you can live with, so be it.  Personally, i hope to rise, not fall.  Is his star rising, or falling?  Will you be a balloon to him, or an anchor?

Warmest regards-

Hatman

Hello,I have been married to my husband for 13 years and have recently found out he cheated on me 2 months ago in which he lied to me about it for 4 weeks.Alot happened over those 4 weeks.He started drinking heavily and ended up in the hospital because his heart went into a fib.A picture was posted through facebook of him kissing this girl in which i new nothing about even the picture.My family found out about it on facebook and some how this girl got a hold of one of my family members.The picture was sent to my email and i confronted him.He admitted to the kiss but not the affair.Until i drilled him for 4 weeks straight and one saterday night i finally gave him one last chance to tell me the truth and he admitted to the affair.Weve been trying to work it out but I am having a really hard time trying to get past this.My husband is the only person ive ever been with in my whole life.He put it all out on the table.Weve been to counseling with our pastor and know finished that and are know going to marriage counseling.He also is very remorseful and sorry and is doing what is called the 40 day love dare.It was a one time thing and i want to beleive i can have faith in him but it is so hard.I am dissappointed in him and dont even look at him the same way.I love him but am not in love with him anymore.He has lost everything that i felt for him.I am still in shock over it.We have quit drinking,deleted our facebook pages,weve had to change or phone numbers because she was harrassing us and have had to put a block on her number,ive had to change my pinterest account twice because of her and know shes getting a hold of my family members.Is he really worth all of this.Is it possible to get past this.Only positive feed back please to help.No negative.Thank you

Thanks for your replys.It has really helped getting all kinds of good feedback.Knowing there are others out there who have been through what ive been through  and have overcome this and made it work.I still am having nightmares about them and 3 days of her not being able to harrass us.I love him so much and together we are making changes to help the recovery and help with our relationship.Its still really,really hard only because im not a forgiving person but im trying to change that.So far it feels like we are moving in a good direction.Only time will tell.Im really glad I found this website.Ive been looking for something like this since i found out.This a great and thanks again for all the great positive feedback.Thats what i need and so do alot of people.

So Still thinking about the affair my husband had 2 months ago in which i found out 4 weeks ago but have been doing alot of research on how to recover and i have great people who have either been the cheater or the one cheated on and its been such great support and alot of help.Statistics say 80% of marriages either one or both spouses have or have had an affair during there marriage and those are just whats been reported.Yes my husband is in that statistic.He admitted and is remorseful.How are we to lower this statistic?Its like an epidemic.That means 8 in every 10 couples is cheating.I have also noticed it was more with someone younger rather than older.Way to help your spouses self esteem.It is like the plague.My husband is 35 and committed the affair with a 21 year old who new about me and the kids and had seen pictures of us.She didnt care.What kind of kids are we raising for her or my husband to think that was at all ok.I would like to start a support group here for both spouses if needed in trying to recover and here others stories who are going through it or even those who havent acted yet and have thought about it and need support to nip it in the butt.My husband even said he would help with the group and speak if they wanted to hear our story.I do know that its still pretty fresh but to know that im sitting here while someone else is going through the same thing with no one to talk to kills me.I want to help and lower that statistic and also let young adults know the impact of the actions they commit,have an affect on the family.Whatdoes everyone think.I know im suppose to be concentrating on myself and healing and I am,but if I hadnt found this website I think I would still be balling my eyes.Only good feedback please. 

So i dont know if any of you post on here every day or just every once in awhile but im a stay at home mom,trying to find help or just someone to talk to.Or even someone to listen.Trying really hard to try to get over my husbands affair which happened two months ago.When im home alone is when its really hard.Or when he goes to work in the morning,actually its hard all the way around.I keep asking myself if hes worth it,or have i made the wrong decision coming back to work it out.Its frustrating not having the faith and love that i had forhim before.Its literally taking up my whole life and im letting it.Anyonegot some advice on how to get off this hump.