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5 years ago  ::  May 06, 2009 - 12:07PM #51
Hipi75
Posts: 220

Generally speaking, years of abuse causes a person to be unhealthy, because the formerly abused person does not know what healthy really is.  It takes years of recovery, healing & positive influences.  It doesn't sound like your lady has had a lot of time to thoroughly heal & clean out her head.  (It took me 7 years to recover from emotional abuse... I can't imagine what she must have gone through.)  But you seem to be a positive influence for her.  What you must do for the both of you is keep yourself healthy.  Drawing healthy boundaries is a big part of that.  That doesn't make you the bad guy, despite the times that it seems so to either of you.  Just focus on staying healthy & keep that as your main priority.  That's the best advise I can give you from my POV.

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5 years ago  ::  May 06, 2009 - 12:30PM #52
rickyvilleza
Posts: 81

mr Hatman;


you are very right in your assesment of her, and she has treated me badly in the past and taken me for granted.  I base my decision on the fact that I truly believe she does love me, even if that love sometimes translates to anger in that her hurts and wounds from the past are directed towards me.  I bear the brunt of her deepest hurts because I'm there.  No one else, even her 'close' friends see her at her worst.  I do.


These last three months, she had ample opportunites to meet new men and establish new relationships or make me jealous.  She did not do so.  Instead, she kept sending me subtle and sometimes not so subtle and even desperate messages letting me know she loved me and wanted me back.  Even in the throes of our heated argument, she said I was the best man she ever knew and that I got her through the toughest times, even more than her two sons.


mr. hatman and H175;  yes she is very broken.  She calls herself 'damaged goods'.


I know what I'm getting into (or in this case back into).  We've been intimate for two years.


Our love for each other has been tested.  She will go through times again when she is hot and cold.  I can't help it though.  She is the only one I truly love, and our intimate moments are highs I can't even describe.


I will try to heed your advise and set boundaries that we can bith accept.


 

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5 years ago  ::  May 06, 2009 - 11:15PM #53
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
Ricky-
Yep, what Hipi said.  Glad you're patient with her, just don't let her get in the habit of dishing out abuse. 

It may be helpful in her healing process to draw her out as to just what "love" means to her, as well as what she's experienced of it, both positive and negative.  What her dreams of love were BEFORE her abusive marriage, and what they are now.

You may help her to find herself again.

But you need to be aware of something else, too.

I have seen it that a woman on the rebound will seek out a rescuer-type to tell all her troubles to, to be honest with, to get her head clear---then dump him on the grounds that he "knows too much" about her.  Then she'll seek a strong, bad-boy type again, and repeat the pattern that led her to endure the abuse she's known for so long.

Curiously, I've seen that people tend toward sticking with the familiar, even if the familiar is a cesspool.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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5 years ago  ::  May 07, 2009 - 10:09AM #54
Hipi75
Posts: 220

I understand her belief that she is damaged goods.  That's a common belief among those that have been abused, even after overcoming it (though it is not true.)  I am curious as to whether she is getting help or not.  Escaping the abuse is one thing, but until her mind is cleared of the 'poison' she won't truly overcome it.  That takes time & a lot of work.


I really hope she does what she can to develop a healthy mind set.  It sounds to me like she's got someone wonderful for her & I'm sure she deserves it.  I would hate to see her past get in the way of that & hurt both of you.  If she isn't getting help, you might want to encourage her to do so.  And if she won't go to a therapist (which I understand) try to encourage her to get help in other ways, like support groups, workshops, books, etc.  Let her do it her way.  God bless.

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5 years ago  ::  May 07, 2009 - 1:45PM #55
rickyvilleza
Posts: 81

To hipi75;


Yes she is going to see a therapist, although not as often as she should.  She does agree she needs help and I encourage her.  She started up again in February after about a nine month absence.


She does indeed see herself as damaged goods.  My validation of her (or attemped validations) as to her being beautiful and lovely are just not good enough.  She needs validation from other people.  She really does believe I think she is lovely, but it's just not enough from me.  She even gets mad at me if I push it too much (the compliments).


To Hatman; 


Yes I hear what you say.  Much of the reason for our three month cold spell and my getting another girlfriend was that she was fixated and drawn back to her ex husband.  She actually wanted to see him again but her son talked her out of it.  For several months from late November thru middle of January, I believe she was drawn back to him, i.e. 'under his spell', even though she knew he was a monster and hurt her very seriously.


She says she has snapped out of it and had it out with him a couple of months ago.  She says she stood up to him by phone and didn't let him get the upper hand.  She says this went a long way towards her healing and was a breakthrough.  I can only hope that it will last.


But with her, I'm always on the vigil.  She punishes me by denying me her sentiments and feelings.  She punishes me by denying our true relationship.  She will insist when she's moody that we are 'only friends', but when we are together, it's always her that initiates the intimacy.  This is her defence mechanism.  She truly wants the intimacy, the loving, the togetherness, and even aknowledge 'your my man' when she wants to but defers to 'we're only friends' when she wants to distance herself or punish me.  She wants me as her boyfriend because that is truly our relationship, but but she she wants to retreat from that when she feels threatened of the commitment and responsibility it entails.


As much earlier contributers to this thread alluded to several months ago, she is terrified of the idea that she loves and needs me.  Only in her weaker moments will she reveal that. One contributer suggested that she is both terrified of me and at the same time cannot live without me.  This has proved to be true, as more recently when she almost begged me to come back and adnmitted she was jealous, and months ago when I told her I had a new girlfriend, she admitted she crawled up into a ball and went to bed for three days crying, all the while telling me she was happy for me (she was lying apparently).

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5 years ago  ::  May 07, 2009 - 2:39PM #56
rickyvilleza
Posts: 81

As for love, I don't think she would be able to articulate a precise description of love, even though she is a very intelligent woman.  I don't know that anyone has truly loved her for a very long time.


But I have developed my own definition of love;


Love must pass a series of tests for there to be true love in my opinion.  Does that person care deeply about another to put themsleves out on a limb?  Has the love been tested through fire?  Has each person seen each other at their worst?  Their best?  Has each person wounded and hurt each other often?  Does each person see the goodness of the other in spite of their many flaws?  Do they keep coming back to each other even after periods of 'Blah' or even after losing the passion for a while?  Is there compatibility, friendship, genuine chemistry?  Has time borne out the deep affection for each other?


I have often put our relationship through this test.  I honestly believe that she does love me and I her.  This is my answer to the question; "why would you stay in an abusive relationship?"  I know I am in one.  I know I am with a wounded, hurt, prideful person who both abuses me and loves me and send me to heights I cannot know with another.


It is my choice.  I reenter this wide eyed and fully aware of the risks and ups and downs.

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