Mar 8, 2009 -- 1:48PM, rickyvilleza wrote:

I hear your encouragement about validating her, but here's the problem;

I tell her she's a beautiful woman and she ingores me.

I tell how good she looks and she ignores me, how nice her hair looks.

I tell her what an intellignet woman and she ignores me and even seems annoyed.

I tell her how we; just me and her can sit on the sofa, without any TV or music and talk for six hours straight, and I said "who else can we do that with?"  And she sort of aknowledges it, but very reluctantly.

I remind her how many times she's said "we were made for each other", and "we're sucha good fit".

The point is, every time I try to validate her worth, she seems annoyed.

Ricky,

She's annoyed because she doesn't want to hear it.  It goes against everything she believes about herself.  She has serious self-image and self-esteem problems, and she absolutely does not get what you're trying to tell her.  You're trying to solve a problem that cannot be solved by you.  Take a step back.  I'm glad to hear she's seeing a counselor.  Hopefully that will help her.  At this point, I think she's feeling suffocated.  She needs to spread her wings for the first time, and the more you push, the more she is going to see you as the person who is preventing her from doing that.  From a woman's point of view, seriously...I get a little claustrophobic just reading your posts.  I'm not saying you don't have the greatest of intentions, but she's just not ready.  I strongly believe there is nothing you can do at this point that is going to change that.  She needs to do that for herself...and I think nothing would benefit her more at this point than knowing that she was able to do that for herself.  She doesn't want anyone to save her...she doesn't want to owe her happiness to anyone...she wants to stand on her own 2 feet and know that she can. 

rickyvilleza wrote:

I love her the way she is. For fifteen months she had that commitment to me, and that's all I want back.

Do you hear your words here? Do you hear that you want "things" the way they where? That my friend is you wanting change. There is nothing wrong with wanting change. Indeed it can often be healthy. But you need to acknowledge that you do indeed want change, and change doesn't happen without risk. There is the risk that she will not want your change, that she will not accept it as valid. That she will not see the behavior as wrong. Without seeing the behavior as wrong, all you will get is meaningless words. For her; her behavior works. Her behavior validates her beliefs.

You need to understand why this change in behavior works for her, how it is validating her beliefs. Before you can hope to change her behavior. Or you can decide that the risk of losing her is more than you are willing to risk and work on changing your feelings....

rickyvilleza wrote:

She always had a problem with the 'boyfriend' thing, but she called me 'babe' and she called herself 'your cutie'.

It is only recently that she refuses to acknowledge our relationship even though last week even, we did everything a relationship entails (except sex).

I have always found for me that a relationship entails a willingness to acknowledge it if nothing more than between the two people involved in it. When one refuses to acknowledge the relationship, the relationship is far from a healthy one...

rickyvilleza wrote:

We slept together, made out, caressed, et. She even lost her guard a couple of times and called me 'babe' and 'my boyfriend' But when she's on guard she purposely avoids those terms.

Again do you hear what you are saying here? That she lost her guard, that she quit pretending, that she got real... Is that all you think you have a right to expect? That you are only worthy of a real relationship a few moments out of the day? That you are okay with the person you are thinking about spending the rest of your life with feeling a "need to be on guard with you"? You are not her ex. Relationships need honesty, respect, and trust, and what I hear here is she does not respect you enough to feel she can be honest with you. Now you can get hurt, upset, mad, or you can work on changing that...That choice is yours..

I believe we all need someone we can be real with, someone we can get naked with. I see a very basic need she has not being met.

rickyvilleza wrote:

I think what's really going on here is that she is turning 59 years old next week, and she is going through a crises
about her aging and beauty, and wants to flirt, go out with guys and feel beautiful. I'm just not enough anymore.

Perhaps because after many months you are not meeting a need she has?

rickyvilleza wrote:

Even though she calls me wonderful and exceptional and still finds me sexy and loves me physically, I'm just not enough anymore. She went out with a guy a few weeks ago and said she felt guilty about it because of me.

She likes you, she cares about you, and does not want to hurt you; but you don't make her feel safe. Perhaps at this point no man will address her need to feel safe, perhaps you can, perhaps you'll suggest counseling to learn how to make her feel safe? Perhaps you'll decide there is nothing you can do to make her feel anything, as some contend around here. Perhaps you'll decided she is just too much effort. IMHO she is crying out to learn how to feel safe, she is searching for a safe haven perhaps for the first time in her life.

rickyvilleza wrote:

Why? I never brought it up until she said that, and then I just asked her if it got physical and she said no. This was the same guy who a few weeks later groped her and sexually harrassed her.This I believe is what the 'just friends' thing is all about. She wants to go out with guys and tease and flirt and feel beautiful and not have to be accountable to me or me asking questions.

You could well be right, and if you are correct, for me the relationship would be over. Then again I could be right, and it would require a lot of work on your part, only you can decide if she is worth the effort. I do not believe you can love her unconditionally, you can I believe learn to make her feel safe with you. Learn to be her safe harbor, I believe the choice is yours...

rickyvilleza wrote:

Plus she's 2000 miles away and feels lonely and like I'm a dead end, even though were together 30% of the time and I told her I'd move there if she wants me to after a year or so.

What did she hear? At one time I heard you were unwilling to move, what is magical in a year or so? What changes then? She might; just might hear this as an empty promise, what makes her more valuable in a year or so than now? If you are really willing to move give her a date, a real date, and what is required. Give her goals to meet. Or do it now....

My guess is she really isn't feeling safe, and you are not making her feel safe. The person who makes her feel safe will have her, IMHO...


.

KatherineOrthodixie wrote:

IM extremely personal HO, this is operating from a mistaken assumption. It is beyond our power to "fix" anyone. Of course, you can do things that could support her but you can't "make" her feel any way at all. You can't solve her problems, you can't heal her  - you are not her doctor or her therapist.

Our past becomes a part of who we are, it colors how we experience things. While rickyvilleza may not have the skills to fully heal her himself, he can and is playing a role in her healing. He can do things, and make choices that will encourage and nurture her healing. Or he can make choices and act in ways that will scar her further, that will validate that men want to control her, and can not be trusted.

I happen to believe that if he wishes, that supporting her is far more likely to give an outcome he wants, than simply giving her a choice, and demanding that she choose, him or the road.

KatherineOrthodixie wrote:

Your feelings are just as valid as hers, of course. You have every right to them, and to state what you want from the relationship, and what is acceptable and what is not. She has the same right, naturally, and seems to have been quite clear with you as well. But because it's not what you want to hear, you may not be "hearing" her.

I hear that rickyvilleza wants her in his life. I see that because of different life experiences they are not effectively communicating what they need/want to one another. I believe at this point it will take a trained counselor to help them connect with what they are feeling, his girlfriend might be unwilling to go this route, he might be unwilling. Rickyvilleza can attempt to "take charge/be a man" and force the issue, by drawing a line in the sand and telling her she will do this or I'm out of your life. Personally I see that as an excellent way to be looking for a new girlfriend.... One should not attempt to paint your partner into a win/lose situation.



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Everybody thank you for all of your input a few months ago.  I am updating my realtionship with what's happened the last couple of months. 

In mid March she started texting me these beautiful messages about how she needs me in her life, she loves me, and she wishes we we're together and cuddling, et.  This all while I was still dating another woman.  We had agreed to be just freinds and she said she was ok with me dating.  That was her line to me then.

But two weeks ago she came and stayed with me for a few days.  She finally admitted she was jealous and stung by my new relationship.  We had a very mixed verbal exchange during which she told me that she was mad at me for 'pushing her aside', even though she had told me I should start dating someone else becasue she couldn't commit.  In the meantime, she has not seen any men these last few months.  During our exchange she alternated between being mad at me, and telling me I'm the best man she's ever known, and that she's jealous of my other Lady.  When I reminded her how she told me she couldn't commit to me, she said "how drunk was I when I said that?"  she said she scheduled her whole week to be just with me, and when I went out one night with the other woman,she bummed out big time

In the meantime, she's told me 'I love you' more times in the last month, than the previous six months before.  She said she wanted to fly me out to Indiana. 

Then, I had a long talk with the Lady I was dating.  She recognized that I was still in love with my cutie.  So she said "you need to go back to her".  I told her "she won't take me back!"

But to my surprise, she did.  I broke up with my new girlfriend and I am flying out to see my cutie for a week on her request. 

I truly do love her.  I told her I just want things to be the way they were before, and she agreed that's what she wants too.

I'm going to make another go of it in spite of the neurosis.  I love no other woman, except my family members.  I won't expect much, and I will not demand any commitment from her verbally.  She has already demonstrated that she does love me and has not been with any other men in last three months.  I know where I'm going, and it's one day to the next.

One day she'll tell me she loves me, and the next day she is aloof.  This is her.  But I want no other.

Please everybody, pray for us and me, and appreciate any comments/criticisms.

From Ricky