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Switch to Forum Live View How do you tell your spouse you don't really like them anymore?
6 years ago  ::  Jan 29, 2009 - 9:18AM #1
mcleodgirl43
Posts: 3
Oh, Simon!  You have just described me!  I am that bitchy woman who was raised with rose-colored glasses in the land of make believe.  Everything was perfect, and now it is not!  I am accomplished; I have seven children, an education, a profession, not a career anymore, and I am currently enrolled back in college to get my career back on track.  I don't feel like I have the respect I used to have AND I am getting old.  Urg. . .   It's not depression; it is reality.  Spend more time with her and tell her how much she means to you and make her feel like she's an important part of the family, not just the babysitter, the maid, the laundry person and the cook.  We really need to feel like we are appreciated.  And get us out of the house.  Good Luck and God Speed.  Lisa
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 01, 2009 - 9:20PM #2
mcleodgirl43
Posts: 3
I have the same life.  I jsut need someone to listen and not tell me "it's all your fault; you're no fun anymore".  (Sigh)
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 07, 2009 - 3:37PM #3
TMC4232
Posts: 2
Simon Jester,

Hey, I just joined up on to this website after doing a Google search for the topic you posted.  My actual search was for "How do you talk to your wife when she now hates everything about you?", but somehow yours popped up and so I began reading with great interest enough to join this forum.  I will actual post a new topic later today about my situation but until then, you and I are going through some similar parallels and I FULLY underdstand where you are coming from unlike DAH54.

My situation, like yours, was awesome from the day we got married and continued so for 7 years until things began to change.  That was two years ago and we are approaching our 9th anniversary this coming June with most of these two years with me being ignored.  My wife, like yours, was fun loving and loved doing everything together with me, our family, and our friends.  She would go out of her way to make special plans with me as I have always done with her.  Now that she has moved up in the corporate world with a new job, making a great income, making new friends at work (married and single men and women), she has dramatically pulled away from doing things with me and acts "depressed" or "bored" that she has to be around me in the evenings and especially on the weekends.  She has CHANGED.  Our kids see it, our friends see it, our family sees it, but she angrily denys it.   I, like you, do love her and have done everything I can think of to add spice to our life (and yes, the obvious too), including staying out of her way at times to "give her her space", but it does not matter what I do.   In fact, if I do suggest things to do, or heaven forbid if I do suggest sex, I am told that I am "too clingy and too mushy", or, "all you think about is sex."  If I stay out of her way I am told that I am being too "cold" or too "distant", or told that I "must not want to be part of this family".  It is a Catch 22 for me.  I feel like a yo-yo.

According or our friends and family, she has given me the signs of "I hate everything about you", or better yet, even though she has not uttered the words, "I want a divorce".   I have been the one not wanting to accept this possibly reality.   We have had sex twice in the last two years (both at my instigation otherwise it would never have happened), she no longer says goodmorning or gives me a kiss goodbye when she goes to work and just leaves without saying anything, she no longer tells me hello when coming home, or goodnight, she finds great joy in making plans to go to Happy Hour with her single friends and tells me I am uninvited, she gets easily distracted when I try to talk to her about anything, she hovers over her email constantly, and has dramatically increased her cell phone texting, and on and on.  I am NEVER invited to meet her after work with her "friends", and when I have asked I was flatly told that I was not invited.

I am getting way ahead with my own problem on your page here.  BUT, the bottom line is that I understand where you are with some differences.  You love your wife and miss the wife you married and you want HER back.  Are you sure that perhaps she is so unhappy with being married to you and wants out but you fail to see it?  This is where I am.  I am starting to accept it. 

I agree with your feelings and the love you have for "what she was" but we can not live a healthy life based on memories especially if our partner has grown and moved on.  That happens between two people but not all people.  It is not fair to keep a bird in a small cage if that bird wants to fly.

I will post my situation shortly.  I don't think I will find my answers on this forum, but through example sharing, perhaps we can all realize that we are not alone and maybe we can find ways to ease our understandings and lessen our heartaches. 

Have faith.
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 12, 2009 - 5:52PM #4
appy20
Posts: 10,165
I don't think it is the same TMC.  It does sound like your wife is wanting to move on. SimonJester sounds more like he is the one wanting to move on.  He has contempt for his wife but he expects her to put out.  He dislikes her but he wants her to be all cheerful and perky.  He sounds like he wants out but is being a martyr to the marriage and thinks that he is noble in the process.

Your wife sounds like Simon Jester.
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 12, 2009 - 6:59PM #5
MarleneEmmett5
Posts: 1,704

Simon Jester wrote:

No, not that you don't love them, rather that the person who they have become is someone you have a hard time liking?

When I met my wife what attracted me to her was her deep love and compassion for everyone and everything coupled with a childlike sense of wonder. She was fun, vivacious, and deeply caring about the needs of everyone and everything around her.

In the last couple of years however she has become something completely different, she is judgemental, jaded, reclusive, and apathetic about just about everything. She just spent the last 2 hours bitching about how much she hates Christmas, she used to love it with the same sense of glee that a child typically has.

In essence she is no longer the person I married and I am finding it difficult to actually be friends with this new person.

Yes I know everyone is going to say she should be checked for depression, but I don't think that is it. She has had problems with depression in the past (a pretty bad bout of postpartum following the birth of our twins 6 years ago, Seasonal Affective Disorder, and a few other episodes over the years)  and this is something different. For one it has been a steady path that has been ongoing regardless of her level of depression and she doesn't exihibit any of the behaviors she typically does when she is depressed.

I'd just bring it up with her, but she does not respond to that at all, she will either start beating herself up for "screwing everything in her life up" (a refrain of hers which has become more and more common as time has gone on) or she will get defensive and try to turn it back on me.

So any suggestions?


SimonJester:
My husband has ADHD~if you have no idea what that is let me explain:
"It like living with a 16year old,who's got the patience of a 4year old,who's got the attention span of a 2year old~~~
and who sometimes has/throws temper trantums like a spoiled brat"
My husband's a good man~he's a good provider,and a hard worker.
He's been working for the same company for 35 years~it will be 36 in September.
There's just one thing: and that is that I don't really love him.
He's "cold sometimes~he has no feelings what so ever. Nothing fazes him." Not even the death of relatives:
It took the death of our 21 year old Persian cat in 2004 for me to see the man CRY!!!! He bawled like a baby!!!
He didn't shed a tear when his three grandparents passed away~nor his father in law, or uncles.

My heart belongs to a former highschool lover/close friend who means the world to me.
My husband knows how I feel,he knows all about the guy~ As I have told him so.
Now don't get me wrong~ I love my husband dearly~but it's a totally different kind of love that I feel for
my former highschool lover. My former lover "has my heart~always will,always has."

I've told my husband many times that I don't love him the way I love my friend.
He knows this and understands it.

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6 years ago  ::  Feb 13, 2009 - 9:25AM #6
appy20
Posts: 10,165
Whoa, Marlene.  That is cold.  Do you think this fair to your husband? No wonder, he loved the cat.
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 13, 2009 - 9:57AM #7
KatherineOrthodixie
Posts: 3,689

MarleneEmmett5 wrote:

He's "cold sometimes~he has no feelings what so ever. Nothing fazes him." Not even the death of relatives:
It took the death of our 21 year old Persian cat in 2004 for me to see the man CRY!!!! He bawled like a baby!!!
He didn't shed a tear when his three grandparents passed away~nor his father in law, or uncles.


Different people express/deal with emotions in different ways. I myself am not a crier, and remained dry-eyed at funerals. However I can assure you that some things hurt too deeply even for tears. But I especially wouldn't show or share my grief with someone who was very clear about not loving me.

“The Law of the Church is to give oneself to what is given not to seek one’s own.” Fr. Alexander Schmemann
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 13, 2009 - 12:38PM #8
appy20
Posts: 10,165
I also question the ethics of marrying a guy while still in love with another.  That was never fair to the guy you married.  That isn't a situation that is going to bring out the best in anyone.  I also believe that people have a right to assume they are the chosen partner when going into a marriage. Whether he knows it or not.
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 13, 2009 - 3:13PM #9
MarleneEmmett5
Posts: 1,704

appy20 wrote:

Whoa, Marlene.  That is cold.  Do you think this fair to your husband? No wonder, he loved the cat.


Appy20:
There are many different types of love in this world.
There's the love a mother has for her children,the love a sibling loves his/her brother or sister.
There's the love that two friends have for each other.
And then there's a love between a man and a women
And a husband & wife.

Do I think it's fair how I love my husband.
Yes.
He denied me something that I've wanted since I was 6:
That was a child.
He said he wanted children ~but really lied to me~and he did this for 21 years,till I was too old to have a child.
Now I ask you is that a nice thing to do to someone you supposedly LOVE????
I love my husband but not in the way that I love my best friend~who i've known longer than him!!!

And as I pointed out my husband has ADHD and "has a block when it comes to showing his feeling/loving me"
My life with him isn't a "bed of roses"~far from it.

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6 years ago  ::  Feb 17, 2009 - 12:19PM #10
mizzlady2u2001
Posts: 1
I'm not trying to be rude but I took the things you said kind of the same way.  It's spose to be about your wife yet when  you write it's more about you and what you want.  Maybe you should look at whats going on with you in the relationship as well.
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